Picture an underground pirate dungeon in the middle of a quiet village in Prague, filled with human skulls and fire. It was as if it was created just for me.
I was down in the depths with my pirate crew. There were fire dancers and sword fights and mugs of beer as far as the eye could see. Just when the drums were really heating up, I was called out for being a witch. I had been accused of having sex with the devil. My own crew betrayed me and I was taken away. After a fire cleanse, Holy Water sprinkle, and a branding, I was born again a virgin. A miracle!
If you have been having sex with the devil and need to be renewed…. sorry, unless you have a plane ticket to Prague and a key to the dungeon, you are out of luck. You should just accept your fate as a witch and dress the part.
WARNING: you probably won’t like what you are about to read. If you are easily offended… don’t read it. If you are open to everything super weird and don’t take things seriously (this is clearly completely made up ) then please continue…..
You guys are the ones thinking it, so why not feed the fire?
Let me take you on an intimate journey…. into the depths of my awesomeness.
First come walk with me through my chamber. The walls, ceiling, and floors are going to move around a bit so try to keep your balance. Don’t worry about the skeletons. They won’t hurt you, they are already dead. duh. Or was it not the skeletons you were worried about? In any case, please excuse the mess. My slave boys have been doing a bad job cleaning up… so now they are a bit… tied up. I’ll introduce them to you in a minute….
Oh… look out… that’s Jack, my ex. He had a bit too much of the rum and ran off with some wenches without me. We had a little talk and everything is fine now. In fact, he always seems to be hanging around. Kisses baby!
Now if you will step this way….
Let me show you my absolute most prized possession. By possession, I mean possessed. Meet the little one. You guys are all curious about this bed breaking “devil sex”… Well here is the bi-product of a freakish yet loving environment. Isn’t she just darling? She has my eyes. Careful, don’t get too close. She hasn’t fed yet today and when she’s really hungry she’ll spin her head around and vomit at you.
Keep walking with me please.
If you look right ahead I’d like to show you my behavioral reinforcement table. Just ignore this man laying here. He is a disappointment. He likes to dress like a show pony and have me train him… yet in our last session he failed numerous times to pick up his leads as a proper show pony should. He also spoke out when disciplined. Ponies do not speak. Therefore he has to go through the shocks. I keep the hood on at all times of course. Here let me turn on the shocks for you. He needs to learn his lesson anyway…..
Speaking of bad boys. Here is #359 (the slaves here live by numbers, not names). This one failed to clean my chambers properly after one of my sessions. He even forgot which floggers go where. I’m very upset with him. He has been in the stocks for a couple of weeks. I let his feet free so he can move about and clean the floors with a broom in his mouth. He’s learning slowly but surely. If he keeps up the good work I may let him out soon!
Finally, meet Larry. He kept getting excited on me… despite numerous warnings not to. So I blindfolded him and let him play with my pets. I don’t think it will be a problem anymore.
That concludes the tour. I hope you enjoyed looking into my world. So… are we still on for that dinner and a movie date or what?
Resident Evil Afterlife takes place in a world of the undead, plagued by the Umbrella Corp’s manufactured T-virus. Alice (Milla) is back on track collecting survivors and trying to bring people to a safe location…kicking zombie ass along the way. She is joined and aided by some familiar faces. Claire Redfield (Ali Larter) and K-Mart (Spencer Locke).
For some reason the search for safety takes them to Los Angeles. LA was never safe even when people weren’t walking around as blood thirsty zombies…. so I’m not quite sure what they were thinking but hey, it’s a movie. Nonetheless the group is LA bound. They may be heading into a trap before you can say “Zombie Snack!”.
As far as the cast of characters growing, Milla Jovovich is like Batman. She is willing and more then capable of working alone. However, the more movies come out, the more Robin’s and Batgirls seem to be added. Eventually, the Resident Evil franchise may go back to their roots where Milla kicked ass all on her own without the help of sidekicks. In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy the 3D zombie killing action.
Look out for this movie coming out to a theater near you September 10th.