So…being the fair and liberal journalist that I am, I tried to think of other possible uses for babies, perhaps something a little more politically correct.
I couldn’t do it.
Babies are bald, puffy, bite sized old men. They have no motor skills and basically just flop around and cry and poop themselves all day. The only time you will catch em smiling is when they get the poop out and when they get to bask in the glory of having you clean it for them. Not only did you suffer 9 months of carrying them around in your belly (or dealing with the woman that did), you are expected to wait on them hand and foot. Those elitist bastards! What good are they? If we have to have babies in this world, the best thing we can do is make them pleasant to look at.
At frightcatalog.com we have the solution (though not the politically correct solution) to your baby woes. Forget the bibs and the cutsey dresses and typical designer baby outfits you buy your spawn to fit into society. Turn your baby into something useful and/or likable.
Do you remember when you were little and all you ever wanted was a pony? You sat in class daydreaming what your horsey would look like and all the hours you would spend at the barn brushing his mane and tail and giving him kisses? You knew that when you got your very own horse you would be the luckiest girl in the world…. and then… you met Johnny and got knocked up. You pushed your dreams of horses aside and imagined a life with Johnny and your new baby. You would be a stay at home mom and he would work and pay the bills. Perfect family.
But then Johnny watched you get fat and moody. He ditched you on prom night for the thin and non stretchmarked cheerleading captain while you sat in the corner in your pregnancy prom dress carrying the spawn of satan. I know how hopeless you feel, but cheer up! You can still live your dreams! We have for you the Horse Infant Costume available for less than the cost of a month’s birth control prescription. You can even put peanut butter to the roof of his mouth and make him talk like Mr Ed. Odds are the baby will still smell worse than a horse, but at least if he is dressed like one it will make it more enjoyable to clean.
If that doesn’t work for you, I’ve got plenty more ideas in my head on just how to make your baby more appealing and/or useful for society. I have heard your cries and I have provided a solution! We don’t have to eat them to enjoy them.
Disclaimer: We do not endorse riding of your horse baby. It may result in suffocation and subsequent death.
You saw his picture on Facebook. He was a friend of a friend. You requested him. He accepted. You looked at all his photos and were enamored. You found his status updates entertaining and exchanged various silly posts to each others walls. One fateful day your Prince asks you out on a date. So you spend all night doing your hair and makeup and choosing just the right outfit. You look ravishing! Finally your Prince Charming rings the doorbell and you prepare yourself to be swept away.
He is a little late picking you up, but your Prince explains that he got caught in rush hour so that is a valid excuse. Oh wait, you just remembered that it’s Saturday, no traffic. Well, at any rate, he’s there now so you are prepared to enjoy yourself. He doesn’t have any flowers, but that is such an old tradition that you don’t let it bother you. He smiles at you and you feel yourself melt into his perfect symmetrical dimples.
Suddenly his smile fades to an almost blase expression. “Oh. You are wearing that?” he disapprovingly utters. You are shocked. You look down at your outfit that you spent all day picking out. “You…you don’t like it?” you stammer. “No, it’s not that I don’t like it. It’s that you are so much prettier than that. ” he sneakily smiles. “I have something for you, my princess.” You are confused and your heart doesn’t know weather to drop or to fly. He takes your hand and leads you to his red hot Ferrari. He opens the door and hands you a Gucci shopping bag. You open the bag and pull out the sexiest red dress you’ve ever seen. Well this just seems to make up for everything! He really is a prince! How did you get so lucky? “Oh, my, gosh! It’s beautiful! Thank you!” you throw your arms around him for a hug.
He pushes you away. “Careful. I don’t want you to get all that makeup on my suit. It’s expensive.” he states matter of fact. You just assume he is joking. You invite him into your home so you can go change before your date. He declines the offer as his phone starts to ring. He tells you to be quick about it because dinner reservations are in 20 minutes and you still have to drive there. He seems to dismiss you with a wave of his hand while he answers his phone. You think to yourself that he is just busy with business. He got your such a gorgeous dress. No one has ever done that on the first date. With a Gucci in your hand, you can excuse just about anything this guy could do. He was just so handsome and rich. He was indeed your Prince Charming.
Just as you open the door to your house he cups his hand on his phone and yells at to you “Hey, keep the tags on, just in case the date doesn’t work out!” WHAT? Is he serious? Your brains starts spinning as you turn around to look back at him in shock. At that moment he starts laughing hysterically. “You should see your face!” he utters between giggles. “The dress is yours, Princess. Just no dessert for you. Don’t want you popping out of the dress too soon!” he snaps with a wink. Your Prince is a joker, you’ll give him that, but the way he calls you ‘Princess’ seems to excuse anything he can say or do. Not to mention the Gucci you are about to put on. This is going to be an interesting date to say the least.
Imagine if we could solve poverty and world hunger at the same time? In 1979, Johnathan Swift published a classic satire essay that proposed a solution: sell the babies of the poor as a delicacy to rich English gentlemen. In this way he mocked high society and shed a light on class disparity by his absurd proposition.
The website EatBabies.com was born (excuse the pun) in part to Swifts essay and also to celebrate satire in all forms (though, mostly that of eating babies). The site includes comics, art, and some fabulous recipes. Hungry? Try such entrees as Bab-B-Q Torso and follow with a dessert of Babyberry Pie. On a lighter diet? EatBabies.com has got your back! Babies can be a bit high in the fat department, but you can still go healthy with the Low Carb Baby Protein Shake.
Some time ago, there were emails circulating that depicted an Asian man eating what appeared to be a cooked baby carcass. People were shocked. However, About.com delved into this Urban Legend and believe it to be a hoax. The pictures were traced back to an underground art exhibit after being rejected as “too controversial” by curators of Shanghai 2000 Bienniale. The article suggests that the image could have been composed of doll parts and that if indeed the man was eating a real baby, he would have been arrested.
However, despite the hoaxes and satires, baby eating can be both fun and nutritious. We already know that placenta eating is popular in Chinese medicine and is also practiced in America to an extent. The placenta is loaded with nutrients and is said to have many healing properties. Well let’s not be so quick to disregard the baby itself. The meat is as delicate as veal. The high fat content and lack of muscle makes for a true delicacy.
If you are having a little bit of trouble stomaching the though of eating a baby- FrightCatalog has a solution. We carry all sorts of infant costumes to help the babies go down easier. Try a nice Italian entree of Baby Bunting Pizza followed by a chocolatey Tootsie Roll dessert, and for the more health conscious, the Banana Baby Infant Costume. Just slide on your favorite food costume, and your baby will be much more appealing to eat. TIP: babies are best served rare with a side of buttered peas and a nice Chianti.
Disclaimer: FrightCatalog does not endorse eating babies. The article is for entertainment purposes only.