In honor of the 57 newly-unearthed Egyptian mummies, I’m calling today “Dress Like a Mummy Day.” Don’t tear up all your white sheets–check out these costumes in the Fright Catalog shop:
Arguably the coolest of all the mummy items in the store, the Universal Studios Mummy Mask is a realistic latex over-the-head mask of Boris Karloff’s Imhotep in the classic 1932 monster movie “The Mummy.”
Decomposition not your style? The sexy Mummy Queen costume with headdress and pencil-cut skirt is super cute, if not super scary.
It’s almost Mother’s Day and as usual you are running out to get a last minute gift. You are combing the Hallmark isles and sifting through the picked over “I love you Mom” section. You run to the flower section where all that is left is thirty dollar half dead daisy bouquet. Your own baby has soiled his diaper and is making a scene in the store. You are at your wits end!
Mother’s day is supposed to be special, not frustrating. A bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear, and/or a Hallmark card isn’t going to make up for the nine months of torture you put your Mother through, not to mention her labor and your actual birth. You can take her out to dinner but that doesn’t add up to all the formula she bought for you, all the lunches she made you, all the birthday parties she organized for you… you gave her the short end of the stick.
As you sit in the store, hopeless and defeated, you take a better look at your baby. You put as much love and care into this child as anyone and it still doesn’t appreciate you. It’s mother’s day and you are a mother yourself. When do you get your vacation?
Suddenly- you flash to the creative and wisdom filled sarcastic writings of a bitter frightcatalog writer. You jump on the internet and BLAMO! Instant solution:
It’s almost Mother’s Day and you’ve got problems, so I’ll just cut to the chase. Suit your baby up in our Daisy Bunting Infant Costume. Take some crayons and create your own Hallmark Card. You can write “I love you Mom” just as well as anyone at Hallmark can. Plus, mothers like the personal touch better. Next take your Flower Child and put it in a nice basket. Drop him off on your mother’s door ring the bell and hop the next flight to Acapulco.Â Mom get’s flowers and a card, you get a vacation. It’s a win/win for you at least. If by some chance you have another child, you can suit him up in the Lil Teddy Bear EliteÂ costumeand throw him in with the flower. PRESTO! Your very own Build-A-Bear. Babies are cute when they don’t look like babies.
Mission: Mother’s Day Impossible
Another crisis averted thanks to your Halloween Harlot.
Disclaimer: This article is for satirical purposes only. We do not recommend leaving your baby alone on a doorstep. That may constitute neglect. We also do not recommend watering your flower baby as it may cause accidental drowning.
So…being the fair and liberal journalist that I am, I tried to think of other possible uses for babies, perhaps something a little more politically correct.
I couldn’t do it.
Babies are bald, puffy, bite sized old men. They have no motor skills and basically just flop around and cry and poop themselves all day. The only time you will catch em smiling is when they get the poop out and when they get to bask in the glory of having you clean it for them. Not only did you suffer 9 months of carrying them around in your belly (or dealing with the woman that did), you are expected to wait on them hand and foot. Those elitist bastards! What good are they? If we have to have babies in this world, the best thing we can do is make them pleasant to look at.
At frightcatalog.com we have the solution (though not the politically correct solution) to your baby woes. Forget the bibs and the cutsey dresses and typical designer baby outfits you buy your spawn to fit into society. Turn your baby into something useful and/or likable.
Do you remember when you were little and all you ever wanted was a pony? You sat in class daydreaming what your horsey would look like and all the hours you would spend at the barn brushing his mane and tail and giving him kisses? You knew that when you got your very own horse you would be the luckiest girl in the world…. and then… you met Johnny and got knocked up. You pushed your dreams of horses aside and imagined a life with Johnny and your new baby. You would be a stay at home mom and he would work and pay the bills. Perfect family.
But then Johnny watched you get fat and moody. He ditched you on prom night for the thin and non stretchmarked cheerleading captain while you sat in the corner in your pregnancy prom dress carrying the spawn of satan. I know how hopeless you feel, but cheer up! You can still live your dreams! We have for you the Horse Infant Costume available for less than the cost of a month’s birth control prescription. You can even put peanut butter to the roof of his mouth and make him talk like Mr Ed. Odds are the baby will still smell worse than a horse, but at least if he is dressed like one it will make it more enjoyable to clean.
If that doesn’t work for you, I’ve got plenty more ideas in my head on just how to make your baby more appealing and/or useful for society. I have heard your cries and I have provided a solution! We don’t have to eat them to enjoy them.
Disclaimer: We do not endorse riding of your horse baby. It may result in suffocation and subsequent death.