A couple of years ago, a “Near Dark” remake was scrapped because the producer was afraid that the story, which has a teenage romance element, would come off like an R-rated “Twilight” knockoff — apparently, the planned unnecessary remake was probably a thousand times worse than imagined. Although 1985’s “Fright Night” isn’t quite as awesome as the near-perfect “Near Dark,” it’s up there; “Fright Night” also has a teen romance element, so it’s fair to worry that the updated remake that’s currently in development could tread too close to Twilight territory. More likely, the “Fright Night” remake will be the anti-Twilight, an encyclopedia of traditional vampire lore like the original, with wooden crosses, bats and razor-sharp fangs.
The remake actually looks promising. This week, it was announced that Colin Farrell and Toni Colette have been added to the the cast, in addition to Anton Yelchin (aka teen Kyle Reese) as Charley and rumors that Chris Sarandon will be featured as himself in the Roddy McDowell role, which would be too cool, if true. Now word is the new “Fright Night” will be in 3D, too — how could a ’10s version not be?
Couldn’t pass on the totally true astro-story going around about the zombie satellite Galaxy 15 that’s tearing through space putting other, working satellites at risk. See, Galaxy 15 isn’t some fried-out dead satellite, but a fried-out satellite that still has power and can’t be communicated with. Will its Earth-bound handlers manage to kill it in time? Stay tuned… if you still have a connection by daybreak.
In other news, Dread Central reports that George A. Romero has revealed some info on upcoming projects, now that “Survival of the Dead” has been unveiled in the US (watch it now on Amazon, XBOX Live and Playstation VOD). Are you going to dress up when the movie is released in theaters on May 28th? Make sure you’re stocked with plenty of liquid latex, scar putty and ghoul makeup from Fright Catalog. Or wear the stylish Zombie 3D costume:
Besides the fact that hell would freeze over, if for some reason by the immaculate conception I, the Halloween Harlot, had a child… I would make it awesome.
Face it, baby clothes are expensive. Add the clothes to the cost of formula, diapers, school, food, etc and you’ve grown yourself your very own financial pocket parasite. Not to mention, kids aren’t particularly the cutest things in the world. Wouldn’t you rather have a puppy? At least you can leave them alone in the house for a few hours while you run errands.
Anyway, I’m getting off subject. If I had a kid, I’d dress it up like something fun every day. At FrightCatalog.com you can find lots of fun outfits for the same price or less than the cost of normal vanilla baby outfits that you’d find elsewhere.
Little Damion, you want to be Superman today? Hell yeah kiddo! Go save the world! The other kids might try to make fun of him, but I mean, how can you -really- make fun of Superman? He’ll kick your ass. Same goes with Batman or a Stormtrooper. Your kid will start a trend in the school yard. Soon, every kid will want it to be Halloween everyday.
Bonus: The kid will use his imagination! Dressing up in different characters encourages the brain to think outside the box. He will also gain confidence. The more you encourage his awesomeness, the more awesome he will be.
It’s also fun to have to dress the kid up because it’s like having a new character everyday instead of a child. It’s entertainment for the parent. Dress him up like a Rockstar and bring him to a Korn concert. The babes will be all over you that’s for sure. Try dressing him up like a Stormtrooper and tell him that Luke Skywalker called and needs him to clean his room to save the world. Kids are gullible. By dressing him up, you make him more gullible. He’ll feel like cleaning his room is his duty to save the world!
He won’t eat his greens? Dress him up like Shrek and tell him Shrek needs to eat green to stay green! Trust me, he’ll eat his greens.
Why live in a boring world? Imagination starts at youth. Make it Halloween every day and not only will you have a constant source of entertainment, but your kid will grow up brighter and way more awesome then those vanilla Gap babies. Make a stand. Viva Halloween!
The ghoulish Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallaj kull, seen here in an aerial photo via the German tabloid Bild, continues to make the news for its reign of terror over Europe. Not flying planes into that zombie-ash sounds like a good call. Want to dress up as Eyjafjallaj kull? Pick up a Goon 12 mask — it’s almost uncanny!
Bild published the creepy photo along with ten apocalyptic theories about the volcano. The zombie theory was overlooked for some reason. The possibility that aliens are preparing a large-scale operation, however, has been noted. In any event: be prepared.
It’s almost Mother’s Day and as usual you are running out to get a last minute gift. You are combing the Hallmark isles and sifting through the picked over “I love you Mom” section. You run to the flower section where all that is left is thirty dollar half dead daisy bouquet. Your own baby has soiled his diaper and is making a scene in the store. You are at your wits end!
Mother’s day is supposed to be special, not frustrating. A bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear, and/or a Hallmark card isn’t going to make up for the nine months of torture you put your Mother through, not to mention her labor and your actual birth. You can take her out to dinner but that doesn’t add up to all the formula she bought for you, all the lunches she made you, all the birthday parties she organized for you… you gave her the short end of the stick.
As you sit in the store, hopeless and defeated, you take a better look at your baby. You put as much love and care into this child as anyone and it still doesn’t appreciate you. It’s mother’s day and you are a mother yourself. When do you get your vacation?
Suddenly- you flash to the creative and wisdom filled sarcastic writings of a bitter frightcatalog writer. You jump on the internet and BLAMO! Instant solution:
It’s almost Mother’s Day and you’ve got problems, so I’ll just cut to the chase. Suit your baby up in our Daisy Bunting Infant Costume. Take some crayons and create your own Hallmark Card. You can write “I love you Mom” just as well as anyone at Hallmark can. Plus, mothers like the personal touch better. Next take your Flower Child and put it in a nice basket. Drop him off on your mother’s door ring the bell and hop the next flight to Acapulco.Â Mom get’s flowers and a card, you get a vacation. It’s a win/win for you at least. If by some chance you have another child, you can suit him up in the Lil Teddy Bear EliteÂ costumeand throw him in with the flower. PRESTO! Your very own Build-A-Bear. Babies are cute when they don’t look like babies.
Mission: Mother’s Day Impossible
Another crisis averted thanks to your Halloween Harlot.
Disclaimer: This article is for satirical purposes only. We do not recommend leaving your baby alone on a doorstep. That may constitute neglect. We also do not recommend watering your flower baby as it may cause accidental drowning.
The zombie plague puts mothers at a distinct disadvantage. While a mother’s survival instinct is strong enough to help her stay alive under horrendous circumstances, she will doom herself to protect and care for her child without a second thought. It’s what moms do. So, in honor of Mothers’ Day, here are five zombie movie moms worth celebrating (spoilers ahead):
Helen Cooper, Night of the Living Dead – Helen believed that her young daughter would recover from a zombie bite up until the moment she saw little Karen devouring her husband, and even then didn’t see it coming that she’d be her baby’s next course. Would she have protected Karen until she turned even if she knew the bite would turn her into the ravenous undead? Probably.
Luda, Dawn of the Dead (2004 remake) – Remake screenwriter James Gunn went there: the unborn undead. When pregnant Luda shows her husband the bite mark, you know it won’t end well. The zombie childbirth arc was shocking enough to be called shameless gimmickry by the jaded, so you know it’s awesome.
Helen Robinson, Fido – Ideal housewife Helen has an affection for her young son’s best friend and pet, a lovable electronically-tamed zombie named Fido. Mom saves the day for her son and Fido, if not her zombie-hating husband, without letting a hair fall out of place.
Kathy, Quarantine – Like Helen Cooper, Kathy protects and tries to nurse her infected child to health only to be attacked by her. Kathy survives (for a while), and still tries to protect her, forcing the others to handcuff her to a banister and reinforcing the notion of unconditional motherly love.
Selena, 28 Days Later – Though not a mother (that we know of) in a biological sense, Selena’s instincts turn maternal when young Hannah is orphaned. When she realizes they’ve been lured into what amounts to sex slavery, Selena does whatever she has to to distract the uninfected-but-out-of-their-minds men from Hannah, like a true mom.
This Mothers’ Day, give Mom what she really wants: a nice bouquet, no bickering in the house for five minutes, and the promise that you won’t hold it against her if she cuts off your head to save herself should you ever get infected.
So…being the fair and liberal journalist that I am, I tried to think of other possible uses for babies, perhaps something a little more politically correct.
I couldn’t do it.
Babies are bald, puffy, bite sized old men. They have no motor skills and basically just flop around and cry and poop themselves all day. The only time you will catch em smiling is when they get the poop out and when they get to bask in the glory of having you clean it for them. Not only did you suffer 9 months of carrying them around in your belly (or dealing with the woman that did), you are expected to wait on them hand and foot. Those elitist bastards! What good are they? If we have to have babies in this world, the best thing we can do is make them pleasant to look at.
At frightcatalog.com we have the solution (though not the politically correct solution) to your baby woes. Forget the bibs and the cutsey dresses and typical designer baby outfits you buy your spawn to fit into society. Turn your baby into something useful and/or likable.
Do you remember when you were little and all you ever wanted was a pony? You sat in class daydreaming what your horsey would look like and all the hours you would spend at the barn brushing his mane and tail and giving him kisses? You knew that when you got your very own horse you would be the luckiest girl in the world…. and then… you met Johnny and got knocked up. You pushed your dreams of horses aside and imagined a life with Johnny and your new baby. You would be a stay at home mom and he would work and pay the bills. Perfect family.
But then Johnny watched you get fat and moody. He ditched you on prom night for the thin and non stretchmarked cheerleading captain while you sat in the corner in your pregnancy prom dress carrying the spawn of satan. I know how hopeless you feel, but cheer up! You can still live your dreams! We have for you the Horse Infant Costume available for less than the cost of a month’s birth control prescription. You can even put peanut butter to the roof of his mouth and make him talk like Mr Ed. Odds are the baby will still smell worse than a horse, but at least if he is dressed like one it will make it more enjoyable to clean.
If that doesn’t work for you, I’ve got plenty more ideas in my head on just how to make your baby more appealing and/or useful for society. I have heard your cries and I have provided a solution! We don’t have to eat them to enjoy them.
Disclaimer: We do not endorse riding of your horse baby. It may result in suffocation and subsequent death.
With my gloriously twisted mind, I picture Iron Man as a dude that got his super powers from being slammed in the face with a heavy metal iron by a pissed off wife. That sort of Iron Man wouldn’t be very pretty… but maybe his shirt would always be properly de-wrinkled.
Anyway, let’s discuss the Iron Man we already know and love. The first Iron Man was a smash hit. We love our superhero movies! Iron Man is sort of reminiscent of Batman, only a lot more colorful and dare I say, cocky. He’s rich and can build/buy anything he wants. He’s also the most eligible bachelor in town. In the end, unlike Batman, he unveils his secret identity and tells the world he is Iron Man. If you haven’t seen the first one, you must live under a rock. In case you do, in fact, live under a rock, here is the basic synopsis:
Our hero is Tony Stark, the super wealthy CIO of Stark Industries. Stark’s company is dedicated to weapons manufacturing on a massive scale. In Afghanistan on a mission to demonstrate new missiles, Tony and his convoy are attacked. He is taken as a hostage by the enemy. While in captivity, Tony builds an Iron Man suit and escapes. When he comes home safely he stops weapons manufacturing so he can dedicate more time to perfecting his suit which he then uses to fight evil.
Now the much anticipated sequel, Iron Man 2, hits theaters tomorrow, Friday April 7th. You will see some of the original cast (Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow) along with some new sexy familiar faces such as Scarlett Johansson and Mickey Rourke. This sequel promises to deliver action packed fight scenes coupled with Robert’s famous sarcastic humor.
Now you don’t have to just sit back and watch Iron Man kick the bad guy’s asses and run away with the hot girls, but you can BE Iron Man and experience the life of a superhero for yourself! We’ve got the new movie costumesand the comic book version costumes for kids and adults. If you don’t want to go all out but still want to pick up chicks, just borrow one of your friends kids and dress him up like Iron Man. It’s almost better than walking a poodle through the park. The ladies will be running over to say how cute your little iron man is. Superheros are strategic and you’ll hit a home run with this one.
When we last left our princess (you), she had just got home from an absurdly horrible date with a man that she thought was going to be her dream come true. He was rude, brash, cocky, and cheap. At the end of the date he still had the nerve invite himself into her home. Now the Princess has ideas of her own…
As you sit in the car and rethink the horrible date, your brain goes into overdrive. You are the Halloween Queen. This prince has no idea who he just crossed. You know this is going to be a date that you’ll remember, but now it will be for the most devious reasons imaginable. You are going to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget. Its time to put the princess away and bring out the demon he has awakened. He pulls up to your house and looks over at you. Aren’t you going to invite me in?he smiles. Oh yes. Oh yes, you are.
You turn to your handsome Prince with a sweet smile on your face. “Can you please just wait in here one minute… my house is such a mess. I wasn’t expecting company. I want to make it as presentable as I can for a Prince like yourself.” The Prince grins and gives you his signature wave of the hand. This is your cue to be dismissed.
You rush into your home. You have little time to make this perfect. You want make this date as unforgettable for him as he has made it for you. You quickly turn on your fog machines to set the mood. You pull out your favorite animatronics and plug em in. These are going to be your crew, your defenders. The Prince will never see this coming.
You head outside to wave down the Prince. You seductively invite him in. As he enters he notices the fog coming from under the door of one of the rooms. “Um, what’s that about?” he asks, pointing to the fog. “And do you have something for Halloween that I don’t know about? I mean…. it’s April for Christ’s sake….” He looks around at the cobwebs and Jack- O- Lanterns scattered around your house and seems uneasy. “Oh, you don’t like it?” you pout. “Halloween is what I live for. Any man who wants to get in my pants needs to get in my Halloween head first” you wink at him.
“Please sit down. Let me get you something to drink.” you say as you push him onto the couch. You head to the kitchen and take out your favorite champagne flute. You fill it with your finest champagne and drop your favorite magic potion into it as a final touch- LSD. Perfect. You saunter out and hand the laced champagne flute to your Prince. “Now, let me slip into something just a little more comfortable” you breathe into his ear. “You are one crazy broad but it’s hot!” the Prince quivers in anticipation.”OH, give me the dress when you are done. I don’t think it fits you as well as I thought it did. I’ll get you something else instead.”
You turn around and cringe as you walk away to the room with the fog. You close the door behind you and breathe. He wants the dress back? You’ll give him the dress back. You grab your stage blood and visciously splatter it all over your dress. Awww…too bad. You liked this dress…but this is well worth the loss. You get naked and splatter the blood all over your body. You slip on your own Prince CHAR-ming mask and get ready for the best Halloween scare the month of April has ever known.
You yell to the Prince from behind your door, “I’m ready for you.” Just as he opens the door, you start screaming. Holding your prop butcher knife in one hand and the bloody dress in the other hand. The Prince freezes in disbelief. All of a sudden Krazy Kristen starts screaming and thrashing from her metal wall. As the Prince turns an ice cold body falls from the door way and knocks him to the ground. The Prince, stunned, looks up and sees a half torso of a man twitching and jerking above him. You inch towards him making deathly gurgling noises and snaring. As the Prince wildly screams and backs away towards a different corner of the room, he bumps into Spitting Debby. She stops her eating and lifts her head up and spits a blast of water and air into his face. The Prince’s heart almost beats out of his chest as he screams and runs for the door. Finally, your favorite clown Chuckles bounces down from the doorway and you laugh in a horror of hysterics as the Prince falls and runs for safety.
You run after him. “You forgot your DRESS!” you snare. But it is too late. He’s already burned rubber down the street and in the next city before you can blink. You are left with tire tracks in your driveway as a souvenir of your dirty work and a warning to future bad dates.
You kiss your favorite Prince of all, Prince Chuckles, and close the door.
When we last left our Princess (you), she was getting ready to go on a much anticipated date with the supposed man of her dreams. Though, he was not quite adding up to what she expected. We now bring you back to when the Princess had ventured inside her home to change into the red Gucci dress her Prince had brought her…
“The dress is yours, Princess. Just no dessert for you. Don’t want you popping out of the dress too soon!” he snaps with a wink. Your Prince is a joker, you’ll give him that, but the way he calls you ‘Princess’ seems to excuse anything he can say or do. Not to mention the Gucci you are about to put on. This is going to be an interesting date to say the least.
You hurry inside and slip on the dress. You look in the mirror and feel rich and classically beautiful. You walk out of the house in your best supermodel slink and pose at your front door waiting to hear his response. You are a bit disappointed to see that he is already in the car and still on the phone. You relax your pose and walk over to the car where you open your own door. No biggie, you think, he’s just busy with work. How else can he afford all this? He finishes his phone call and looks over at you. “Much better”, he smiles. No sooner can you smile back than the car is already in 6th gear down the highway to the restaurant.
You had high hopes for the night but when you get to the restaurant, your prince is already back on his cell phone. He dismisses the hostess rudely as she seats the both of you. You sink into your chair in embarrassment. You try to ignore him on the phone by reading through the menu. There’s no more excuses you can make for him now. He’s just a dick.
When the waitress comes to take your order, she looks to you to see what you would like. He jumps in and orders lobster and an expensive wine for himself. When the waitress looks back at you, trying to hide her disgust as his attitude, he yells at her. “I’m not finished yet. The lady will have the house salad with a balsamic vinaigrette. Get her some ice water with lemon. No bread and no croutons. She’s watching her weight. That’s all.” He does his usual dismissal hand motion to send her away.
“See, I look out for you”, he smiles sweetly. His attempts at being charming are doing nothing more than to make you vomit at this point. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry or walk away from the table right there. For sum unknown reason, you decide to stick through the dinner. If anything, you’ll have a dress and a story at the end of it. The meal comes and he enjoys his juicy lobster while you pick at your lettuce. You listen to him go on and on about himself and how wonderful he is in between his phone calls and texts that he can’t seem to ignore.
At least, the meal has ended and the check has arrived. He looks at you and says, “Well, since this is our first date, it’s only appropriate to split the bill.” It looks like you are paying for your Gucci after all. He has you literally split the bill. You end up paying for half his lobster dinner! He then has the nerve not to leave a tip. He claims the service was bad. You used to work as a cocktail waitress and know the system. As you pick up to leave and he is distracted with yet another call, you make your way to the waitress and slip her a $20. You thank her and apologize for his behavior. You are beyond mortified.
As you sit in the car and rethink the horrible date, your brain goes into overdrive. You are the Halloween Queen. This prince has no idea who he just crossed. You know this is going to be a date that you’ll remember, but now it will be for the most devious reasons imaginable. You are going to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget. It’s time to put the princess away and bring out the demon he has awakened. He pulls up to your house and looks over at you. “Aren’t you going to invite me in?” he smiles. Oh yes. Oh yes, you are.