Watching the Challenge: Cut Throat on MTV sort of fires me up. Have you ever wished to be a fly on the wall at school or work and hear all the crappy things people say about you when you aren’t around? I used to. Until I was cast on the show. Now every week I get to sit back and watch a verbal slew of Cara Crushing. Be careful what you wish for
Whenever I got pissed on the show… I would go out for a run. I’m not into confrontation. However, sometimes I get so angry that I feel like I need to hit something. It’s rare. But it happens. I’m sure it happens to you as well.
Now, let’s take out our anger in a more positive way.
Sometimes you get so angry, you attack the first thing you see…. and then you regret it. I’ve had an ex boyfriend break his cell phone in half because he was angry with me. Dumbass. I’ve known people to punch walls or break glasses etc. All you are left with is a broken or severely hurt hand and an expensive mess to clean.
I offer you a solution. <— click that link. seriously.
You get to take out your aggression… and instead of a broken fist and broken glass… you get CANDY! I like candy!
It’s a win/win.
Stay tuned for Cut Throat every Weds on MTV 10/9c.
Here are some things to make both our lives a touch easier:
1. KNOW what you want. Don’t call me over and then proceed to have a 20 min discussion with the rest of your group about what exactly you guys want to drink. I’ve got 30 other people who needs drinks and time is money! Vodka Cran, do it!
2. Have your money READY! I can’t even begin to say how many times I quickly make your drink and return with a smile on my face and your drink in my hands and you are busy texting or making out with your girlfriend or literally taking an hour to slow motion your wallet from your pocket and sift through your cash. I told you how much it was before I made the drink! Come on! You are not the only one in the bar!
3. NEWSFLASH: Telling me to go “easy on the ice” does not equal more alcohol. The amount of alcohol is always the same regardless of one ice cube or thirty. However, you will end up with a watered down drink that you will barely taste the alcohol in. Congrats!
4. Telling me to “hook it up” will not give you a stronger drink unless you already have cash out telling me how much extra you will hook ME up for doing it. Most bartenders know when a person says to “hook it up” they are only going to tip a dollar. We know you are cheap.
5. NEVER ask for a bartender/cocktail waitress’s number. Unless you are tipping us huge and we want you back as a customer, we won’t do it. There are 2387287347 other girls in that club. If you are awesome enough to deserve my number I will give it to you without you even asking. Also,why must you hit on the ONE person who doesn’t have time to talk to you? Just because I’m smiling at you, doesn’t open the door for your come ons. I’m smiling because I want your money, not your wonder willy.
6. Please, I know you are drunk and horny, but please… find some other spot to make out and/or grope up your hook up of the night other then right on my bar. You are not ordering drinks because your tongue is down her throught and your hands are up her skirt. You are taking up space at my bar and preventing other people from ordering drinks. Please find a dark corner to continue your STD search.
7. Affliction shirts and hair gel do not make you cool. In fact, they are a big red flashing “douche bag” sign. Just saying.
8. Being snappy and demanding will only get you a pissed off bartender.
9. When the bar is closed, the bar is closed. We can’t serve you because it is illegal to put any sort of cup over the bar after a certain time. My job isn’t worth your puppy dog eyes. Sorry.
10. Anyway, moral of the story is, tip me big and you get what you pay for: a happy bartender and a legit drink.
OH: side not… dear DJ.. and every rap song out there, I do not want to put my hands up. Please stop asking me to put my hands up. You keep telling me to put my hands up, but I’m busy. If I want to put my hands up I will. However, constant raising of the hands can lead to dead limbs. Don’t want that not do we?
Thanksgiving… that time of year where we have an excuse to eat everything and anything we can get our hands on. We become gluttons to the highest degree. This is one of the holidays that we define as truly American. We eat ourselves into a coma and call it tradition.
Anyway, just because Halloween is over… it doesn’t mean we stop working here at FrightCatalog. Here are some ideas to add a little bit of spice to your Turkey Day:
2. Funny Hats: Be the star of your own Thanksgiving Day Parade. Wear one of these hats and you can be “that guy” at the dinner table. Who is going to start an argument with someone who has a turkey on their head? No family feuding this year! All for less then the cost of a couple of cans of cranberry sauce!
3. Child- the other white meat: Kids, you know I love them! (for dinner) Dress your favorite little heathen in this costume and you won’t feel bad about serving him for dinner. Shove an apple in his mouth and VOILA! No feathers to pull here. Just bake and serve. No screaming child running around the dinner table and breaking things and crying when they fight with the other little children…. just silence and a happy family dinner. Enjoy!
(Warning: once again, I do not endorse eating your child. If you eat him, I’m not responsible. You are an idiot and will most likely go to jail…. if you get caught… so make sure you clean it up well and get rid of all evidence and witnesses…..)
Right about now, the wife is frantic at the supermarket trying to get everything in order for the big day tomorrow. Hold up and take a break. Everything will get done and everything will be delicious and wonderful like it was last year. It will all go by way too fast and you will be left with a mess to clean up before you realize you even ate the turkey.
So, take a breath. Life is too short to be stressed and serious. Forget the turkey and focus on your own “wish bone” for a second. Here’s the deal. Role Play. Even adults should get to dress up and play once in a while.
There are a few ways to play this. You can be the Pilgram man hunting the Indian princess….chase her around the fire and pull her back by the hair. You can both be innocent Puritans preparing your first meal…and getting a little frisky under your bonnets….. You can both be Indian savages on the hunt without any regard to authority. Paint your faces and scream and dance by the fire. Finally, she can be the Puritan and you can be the horny Indian man on the hunt for some white meat 😉 The choice is yours.
Step away from everything and take some time for each other. If you have kids (that sucks) send them to their friends house to play. Give yourself a moment just for you. Light some candles and let the games begin. When you get in costume, you won’t feel stupid, you will feel like the character you are internalizing. It will make your significant other even more exciting because in a strange way it will feel like cheating. Get into character, set your story line, and let yourself go. Imagine the naughty looks over dinner tomorrow 😉 I guarantee that getting things ready for Thanksgiving before everyone comes over will be a lot less stressful this year.
Whatever way you play it, it will be a nice escape from the madness. Yes, I can take the most innocent holiday and turn it into sex, and I believe that you should too. Get playing before you get so stuffed on turkey tomorrow that you can’t even roll over to say goodnight. Get to it while your top button can still button. Have fun 😉