Fall is my favorite season. I never understood the love for summer, unless you love to be hot, sweaty, and surrounded by insects for 3 months. Winter is freezing, and spring is muddy, wet, and allergy-ridden. Fall, however, is the perfect combination of all the seasons. Here are my top reasons why I love fall:
1. Sweaters: Not only do they hide the bumps and other imperfections that are so apparent in summer clothing, but they are soft as hell, too.
2. Apples: What could be more versatile? You can make apple pie, apple cake, baked apples, or just eat them right off the branch (my favorite way).
It’s my favorite day of the week (and yours t00): TRUE BLOOD SUNDAY!
I have about four episodes to catch up on so don’t spoil my thought process if you’ve been watching all along. The last I saw, our beloved Sookie had awoken from a dreamlike state where she was surrounded by light and fairy type beings. The darkness that came over and scared these nymph creatures away was none other then Bill Compton. I got the impression that Sookie’s unexplained powers are going to be attributed to her being a fairy. The fairies want her to come to their life and leave the dark Bill. Will Sookie stay with Bill? Will she go into the light instead? Is she REALLY a freakin fairy? What KIND of fairy is she anyway? A Tooth Fairy? (that would be rather ironic since she’s dealing with vampire teeth on a daily basis).
All these questions may have been answered in the last few episodes I’ve missed. But whatever.
It will be pretty lame if Sookie is a fairy. We’ve already got wolves and vampires. We really don’t need to throw fairies into the mix. Additionally, the whole dream scene was a little cheesy for my tastes. And who the hell would want to live in magical fairy land when you’ve got two super hot vampires fighting over you in real life? Sook even caught the eye of one super hot wolf dude. Sookie WAKE UP. Is this really even a decision for you? Corny happy singing goody goody fairies or dirty blood splattered vampire sex. Come on now. Come to the dark side Sook, it tastes better over here.
Side note: WHY are two rediculously delicious vampires fighting over this plain blond waitress anyway? They clearly haven’t heard of me. Yes, I am jealous. So what? Sook… or Anna… or whatever you want to be called… I think it’s time you find your way back to Wolverine and the other X-men. Leave these bad little vampires to me. Oh, that vampire queen… leave her too. Rolling Stone will have to make a new and improved cover once I let them sink their teeth into me. Mmmmmmmmmm
Unfortunately, we live in a society where these have become familiar names in household and internet discussions.
I’ve come up with something better. This is the possible future of the cast if they continue their guido ways…
Let me introduce you to the new and improved fist pumping cast of the Frightcatalog reality blog: Jersey Gore.
When The Situation talks, people can’t help but stare. He walks around making strange choppy hand and arm movements and coupled with random facial spasms. Frankenstein is sort of a given in this particular “situation”.
JWOWW… This wasn’t hard. With all the plastic parts on this broad, we figure she can’t really age…
DJ Pauly D. Two words: Blow. Out. Continuous hair gel applications will do a number on your scalp. Additionally, all those tanning bed visits may leave his skin a bit parched. Make sure you moisturize Pauly!
Finally: Snooki. She’d really like to have you think her nationality is Italian. However, any true Italian knows what beautiful young Italian girls turn into when they get older. Snook, if you want to play the part… do your research!
Finally, Don’t forget your orange glow. It creates that perfect radioactive orange tan look that keeps the rest of society envious. It could possibly help you land a hit TV show as well.
As summer winds down, it’s time to start thinking about what to be for Halloween. I’ve been going back and forth about what to be, so maybe you guys can help me out. Here are my possible costume ideas.
Early-90s Female Stand Up Comic– This is probably the simplest of my ideas. Basically, I’d need a big, ugly shirt and vest from Goodwill, pleated mom jeans, sneakers, and a microphone. I would spend the night making jokes about PMS and having too many cats.
Sexy Link– I find the “sexy” versions of normal costumes to be hilarious, e.g. Sexy Cat, Sexy Bunny, etc. A few years ago, I put a spin on the idea by dressing up as a sexy version of a decidedly unsexy animal, and made a Sexy Lobster costume. This costume would basically be a feminine take on Link from the NES classic, Legend of Zelda.
Dancing Red Shoes: To go along with my fascination with terrifying children’s tales, I would dress up as the main character of the Hans Christian Andersen classic. Basically, the gist of the story is that this chick wears red shoes to church, pisses off the Big Dude in the Sky, and is cursed to dance in them forever. This leads to some pretty gnarly wounds to the girl’s feet. She eventually has to have the town executioner cut off her feet and fashion her a set made from wood. This costume would require a ripped up and stained old-timey dress, red shoes, plenty of fake blood, and some fake stitches around my ankles (as if my feet were reattached).
What do you think? Let me know your own ideas in the comments.
AMC wants to be on your Halloween night schedule, hoping folks will follow the evening’s celebration in front of the TV, for the premiere of the long-awaited “Walking Dead” series at 10:00 PM.
My initial reaction, honestly, was that October 31st seems kind of late. I was hoping the show would launch earlier in the month, though I’m not sure where I got the idea that it would. Then the question: is the target demo going to be home in front the TV on Halloween night? The show is anticipated enough that a lot of people will make sure to be now, but it’s not on everyone’s radar yet. Of course, I say that before they’ve blitzed the trailer during “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad.”
In any event, it’s a Sunday night; the biggest parties will be going on Friday and Saturday. Actually, the more I think about it, the timing sounds just about right: prepare the feast, do trick-or-treats, visit the neighborhood haunted house, and cap off the night with “The Walking Dead” premiere. Not bad!
Of course, this is all the more reason to have a zombie theme this year–and naturally Fright Catalog has all sorts of props, costumes, and zombie accessories for the big day!
Not so fast, Snopes — the New York Daily News reported yesterday that a 2-foot baby alligator was found under a car after a storm in Astoria, Queens, followed by another larger alligator found in Brooklyn. An Argentine tegu and a “very large” iguana were also found in the NYC area within the same 24 hour period.
Coincidence, or evil reptilian aliens attempting to take over New York? Only time will tell.
If the title didn’t get your attention, this full size picture should:
The Joy of Vampire Sex: ‘True Blood’ on Rolling Stone’s Latest Cover
This is probably one of the most awesome Stone covers ever. The only thing that would have made it better would be if they replaced a lame Sookie with a naked blood soaked Halloween Harlot. We can’t all be perfect though.
Anyway, here’s the plan. This picture has inspired me to throw a hot vampire orgy sex party (even if it’s just in my head).
BLOODY MARY (what’s a vampire party without a classic bloody?)
INGREDIENTS: 1 part Vodka, Tomato juice, splash of Tabasco, a splash of Worchester, a little horseradish, a slice of lime
INSTRUCTIONS: Mix Vodka and Tomato juice and serve over ice with a splash of Tabasco, a splash of Worchester sauce. Mix in a little horseradish if you want a little more of a kick. Place a slice of lime on the rim.
SERVING GLASS: Tall glass.GARNISH: Celery Stick
BLOOD OF A VIRGIN
INGREDIENTS: 2 parts vodka, 3 parts bourbon, 1 part red wine, 3 drops of virgin blood
INSTRUCTIONS: Mix all ingredients in a blender and heat over an open flame for 20 minutes. Serve with extreme caution!
SERVING GLASS: Wine glass or hurricane glassGARNISH: 3 cherries
Of all the new items for 2010 in the FrightCatalog, I think I’m most excited about this:
No, it’s not a weird top hat with glow sticks taped to it… the item is the glow strands, but they’re not old-fangled temporary glow strands that you crack to mix the mysterious chemicals that make it shine for a few hours. These are four foot, pliable, battery powered neon lights that can be attached to any costume. Dress as a spaceship, or TRON or … a neon sign! Set to constant light or strobe! This is awesome. $16.99 per neon strand, comes in blue, yellow and green.
Oh, and speaking of glowing stuff, you know what else is cool? iGlow gels for hair and skin. I checked this out recently and it’s a must-have. This isn’t some day-glo color that shines under a blacklight–this goop actually glows.
Apparently, the chemicals in glow sticks are not toxic when you mix them, because that’s the basic concept here: you mix together two parts, and the resulting gel glows for about eight hours. No “charging” under white light or anything–it’s fully self-illuminating.
Even though I do not have cable… the issue of the New York mosque building sight seems to creep into my life (and facebook feeds) every day.
I don’t vote. I don’t care. I don’t see things effect my life one way or another with whoever is in power.
However, this mosque dilemma seems to be a big issue and source of conflict for many groups. Since it has invaded my life, I feel I need to address the issue.
Dear Mrs. Palin…
Actually, can I call you Sarah? Not only are you beautiful and intelligent and a lovely mother of many, you also are a very powerful speaker… I would compare your words to Shakespeare but you’ve already done that for yourself. You are woman! I hear you roar (along with those pesky and overabundant animals you hunt and decorate your wall with). When you speak… or tweet… smart people support you while ignorant and overzealous liberals slander you. Spelling mistakes and support of racial slurs only means that you are human just like us.
Now, my beautiful and smart Sarah, I hear your words on the Mosque site. I know liberals think you are just trying to incite panic and emotion when you use terms like “radical” in every other sentence when talking about anyone who doesn’t agree with you, but they are clearly just dispatrioticalists (that’s a word right?). Either way, I want to help make your speeches even more powerful. I think a good way to help those peace loving, equality driven, open minded liberal hippies see what they really stand for is to actually SHOW them. May I suggest, that for the next speech you make, you wear this Oil King Adult Mask from frightcatalog.com? It will help drive home the point that this is who all those radical Muslims really are…evil terrorist turban wearing Satan worshipers (I mean, if it’s not Jesus, than it can only be Satan). You, Sarah, are famous for speaking your mind. This will make a huge statement and perhaps cause those anti-American liberals to refudiate their ways.
Perhaps if this suggestion helps you spread your words, we could discuss politics over some moose meat in your Alaskan back yard as we gaze over the border at Russia. May God be with you Sarah. I know he will be and already is. I’ve actually spoken to him personally and he told me to tell you that he only loves Republicans. F* the rest of em’. God bless America! Git er dun!
MEGA DISCLAIMER: This article is for satirical purposes only. My writings have nothing to do with the views of frightcatalog or it’s owners. I really don’t know anything about politics. I don’t follow them. (Though, if I had to classify myself as one thing, I’d say I’m an open minded hippie…which is why this article is so tongue in cheek). I know that anything political will spark people’s madness buttons and get them talking. I like pushing buttons. Speaking of buttons, use your mouse button and click on over to Frightcatalog.com to check out their wicked cool Halloween stuff. Life’s too short to stress about politics and problems that aren’t your own, so live, laugh, and move on! It’s just in good fun