In honor of the 57 newly-unearthed Egyptian mummies, I’m calling today “Dress Like a Mummy Day.” Don’t tear up all your white sheets–check out these costumes in the Fright Catalog shop:
Arguably the coolest of all the mummy items in the store, the Universal Studios Mummy Mask is a realistic latex over-the-head mask of Boris Karloff’s Imhotep in the classic 1932 monster movie “The Mummy.”
Decomposition not your style? The sexy Mummy Queen costume with headdress and pencil-cut skirt is super cute, if not super scary.
This is one of those news stories that reads like the first chapter of an apocalyptic horror story: Scientists create artificial, self-replicating DNA cells that they plan to manipulate into synthetic bacteria to be released into the air in an effort to reverse damage to the environment. I’m not making this up.
To be fair, I’m not afraid of technology in general. I don’t live in fear of genetically modified vegetables, nuclear power, or DDT. What’s frightening about unleashing microscopic artificial life into the air we breathe, aside from, well, unleashing microscopic artificial life into the air we breathe, are the Utopian suggestions that, in effect, it can allow humans to control the environment and bring about world peace (or at least eradicate our dependency on oil by using the buggers to create fuel). Anything that appears so too-good-to-be-true is bound to bite us on the ass. And, I mean, think about it: in theory (not established scientific theory, but theory) self-aware micro-organisms could fly in through your nose and mouth and take over your brain and body. Not to mention the bodies of dead people. Just saying….
I was knocked over when I saw the new Windows 7 ad, which features a clip from Lucio Fulci’s 1979 film “Zombi 2” (aka “Zombie” and “Zombie 2: The Dead are Among Us” in the US). The Italian “zombie vs. shark” scene is a cult classic, but the clip’s relative obscurity made it possible for the ad to recontextualize it — it’s not a movie clip in the ad, but a nature documentary streamed from the fictional “Zombie Companion” Website that describes the zombie’s “loving bond with its fellow man-eater, the Great White.” Which begs the question: Do David and his roommates live in an alternate post-zombie outbreak universe? Is “Intel WiDi” even real? Still, best Windows 7 ad ever!
Fun fact: “Zombi 2” is not actually a sequel. The first “Zombi” is Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead” (“Zombi” was its Italian title). The name was changed to lead people to believe it was connected to the popular American series. Despite the cheesy marketing ploy, “Zombi 2” is a classic in its own right. Let’s see if the exposure from the Windows ad leads to a run on Man-Eating Shark costumes to pair with Zombie costumes this year!
A couple of years ago, a “Near Dark” remake was scrapped because the producer was afraid that the story, which has a teenage romance element, would come off like an R-rated “Twilight” knockoff — apparently, the planned unnecessary remake was probably a thousand times worse than imagined. Although 1985’s “Fright Night” isn’t quite as awesome as the near-perfect “Near Dark,” it’s up there; “Fright Night” also has a teen romance element, so it’s fair to worry that the updated remake that’s currently in development could tread too close to Twilight territory. More likely, the “Fright Night” remake will be the anti-Twilight, an encyclopedia of traditional vampire lore like the original, with wooden crosses, bats and razor-sharp fangs.
The remake actually looks promising. This week, it was announced that Colin Farrell and Toni Colette have been added to the the cast, in addition to Anton Yelchin (aka teen Kyle Reese) as Charley and rumors that Chris Sarandon will be featured as himself in the Roddy McDowell role, which would be too cool, if true. Now word is the new “Fright Night” will be in 3D, too — how could a ’10s version not be?
Couldn’t pass on the totally true astro-story going around about the zombie satellite Galaxy 15 that’s tearing through space putting other, working satellites at risk. See, Galaxy 15 isn’t some fried-out dead satellite, but a fried-out satellite that still has power and can’t be communicated with. Will its Earth-bound handlers manage to kill it in time? Stay tuned… if you still have a connection by daybreak.
In other news, Dread Central reports that George A. Romero has revealed some info on upcoming projects, now that “Survival of the Dead” has been unveiled in the US (watch it now on Amazon, XBOX Live and Playstation VOD). Are you going to dress up when the movie is released in theaters on May 28th? Make sure you’re stocked with plenty of liquid latex, scar putty and ghoul makeup from Fright Catalog. Or wear the stylish Zombie 3D costume:
Besides the fact that hell would freeze over, if for some reason by the immaculate conception I, the Halloween Harlot, had a child… I would make it awesome.
Face it, baby clothes are expensive. Add the clothes to the cost of formula, diapers, school, food, etc and you’ve grown yourself your very own financial pocket parasite. Not to mention, kids aren’t particularly the cutest things in the world. Wouldn’t you rather have a puppy? At least you can leave them alone in the house for a few hours while you run errands.
Anyway, I’m getting off subject. If I had a kid, I’d dress it up like something fun every day. At FrightCatalog.com you can find lots of fun outfits for the same price or less than the cost of normal vanilla baby outfits that you’d find elsewhere.
Little Damion, you want to be Superman today? Hell yeah kiddo! Go save the world! The other kids might try to make fun of him, but I mean, how can you -really- make fun of Superman? He’ll kick your ass. Same goes with Batman or a Stormtrooper. Your kid will start a trend in the school yard. Soon, every kid will want it to be Halloween everyday.
Bonus: The kid will use his imagination! Dressing up in different characters encourages the brain to think outside the box. He will also gain confidence. The more you encourage his awesomeness, the more awesome he will be.
It’s also fun to have to dress the kid up because it’s like having a new character everyday instead of a child. It’s entertainment for the parent. Dress him up like a Rockstar and bring him to a Korn concert. The babes will be all over you that’s for sure. Try dressing him up like a Stormtrooper and tell him that Luke Skywalker called and needs him to clean his room to save the world. Kids are gullible. By dressing him up, you make him more gullible. He’ll feel like cleaning his room is his duty to save the world!
He won’t eat his greens? Dress him up like Shrek and tell him Shrek needs to eat green to stay green! Trust me, he’ll eat his greens.
Why live in a boring world? Imagination starts at youth. Make it Halloween every day and not only will you have a constant source of entertainment, but your kid will grow up brighter and way more awesome then those vanilla Gap babies. Make a stand. Viva Halloween!
The ghoulish Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallaj kull, seen here in an aerial photo via the German tabloid Bild, continues to make the news for its reign of terror over Europe. Not flying planes into that zombie-ash sounds like a good call. Want to dress up as Eyjafjallaj kull? Pick up a Goon 12 mask — it’s almost uncanny!
Bild published the creepy photo along with ten apocalyptic theories about the volcano. The zombie theory was overlooked for some reason. The possibility that aliens are preparing a large-scale operation, however, has been noted. In any event: be prepared.
It’s almost Mother’s Day and as usual you are running out to get a last minute gift. You are combing the Hallmark isles and sifting through the picked over “I love you Mom” section. You run to the flower section where all that is left is thirty dollar half dead daisy bouquet. Your own baby has soiled his diaper and is making a scene in the store. You are at your wits end!
Mother’s day is supposed to be special, not frustrating. A bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear, and/or a Hallmark card isn’t going to make up for the nine months of torture you put your Mother through, not to mention her labor and your actual birth. You can take her out to dinner but that doesn’t add up to all the formula she bought for you, all the lunches she made you, all the birthday parties she organized for you… you gave her the short end of the stick.
As you sit in the store, hopeless and defeated, you take a better look at your baby. You put as much love and care into this child as anyone and it still doesn’t appreciate you. It’s mother’s day and you are a mother yourself. When do you get your vacation?
Suddenly- you flash to the creative and wisdom filled sarcastic writings of a bitter frightcatalog writer. You jump on the internet and BLAMO! Instant solution:
It’s almost Mother’s Day and you’ve got problems, so I’ll just cut to the chase. Suit your baby up in our Daisy Bunting Infant Costume. Take some crayons and create your own Hallmark Card. You can write “I love you Mom” just as well as anyone at Hallmark can. Plus, mothers like the personal touch better. Next take your Flower Child and put it in a nice basket. Drop him off on your mother’s door ring the bell and hop the next flight to Acapulco.Â Mom get’s flowers and a card, you get a vacation. It’s a win/win for you at least. If by some chance you have another child, you can suit him up in the Lil Teddy Bear EliteÂ costumeand throw him in with the flower. PRESTO! Your very own Build-A-Bear. Babies are cute when they don’t look like babies.
Mission: Mother’s Day Impossible
Another crisis averted thanks to your Halloween Harlot.
Disclaimer: This article is for satirical purposes only. We do not recommend leaving your baby alone on a doorstep. That may constitute neglect. We also do not recommend watering your flower baby as it may cause accidental drowning.
The zombie plague puts mothers at a distinct disadvantage. While a mother’s survival instinct is strong enough to help her stay alive under horrendous circumstances, she will doom herself to protect and care for her child without a second thought. It’s what moms do. So, in honor of Mothers’ Day, here are five zombie movie moms worth celebrating (spoilers ahead):
Helen Cooper, Night of the Living Dead – Helen believed that her young daughter would recover from a zombie bite up until the moment she saw little Karen devouring her husband, and even then didn’t see it coming that she’d be her baby’s next course. Would she have protected Karen until she turned even if she knew the bite would turn her into the ravenous undead? Probably.
Luda, Dawn of the Dead (2004 remake) – Remake screenwriter James Gunn went there: the unborn undead. When pregnant Luda shows her husband the bite mark, you know it won’t end well. The zombie childbirth arc was shocking enough to be called shameless gimmickry by the jaded, so you know it’s awesome.
Helen Robinson, Fido – Ideal housewife Helen has an affection for her young son’s best friend and pet, a lovable electronically-tamed zombie named Fido. Mom saves the day for her son and Fido, if not her zombie-hating husband, without letting a hair fall out of place.
Kathy, Quarantine – Like Helen Cooper, Kathy protects and tries to nurse her infected child to health only to be attacked by her. Kathy survives (for a while), and still tries to protect her, forcing the others to handcuff her to a banister and reinforcing the notion of unconditional motherly love.
Selena, 28 Days Later – Though not a mother (that we know of) in a biological sense, Selena’s instincts turn maternal when young Hannah is orphaned. When she realizes they’ve been lured into what amounts to sex slavery, Selena does whatever she has to to distract the uninfected-but-out-of-their-minds men from Hannah, like a true mom.
This Mothers’ Day, give Mom what she really wants: a nice bouquet, no bickering in the house for five minutes, and the promise that you won’t hold it against her if she cuts off your head to save herself should you ever get infected.
So…being the fair and liberal journalist that I am, I tried to think of other possible uses for babies, perhaps something a little more politically correct.
I couldn’t do it.
Babies are bald, puffy, bite sized old men. They have no motor skills and basically just flop around and cry and poop themselves all day. The only time you will catch em smiling is when they get the poop out and when they get to bask in the glory of having you clean it for them. Not only did you suffer 9 months of carrying them around in your belly (or dealing with the woman that did), you are expected to wait on them hand and foot. Those elitist bastards! What good are they? If we have to have babies in this world, the best thing we can do is make them pleasant to look at.
At frightcatalog.com we have the solution (though not the politically correct solution) to your baby woes. Forget the bibs and the cutsey dresses and typical designer baby outfits you buy your spawn to fit into society. Turn your baby into something useful and/or likable.
Do you remember when you were little and all you ever wanted was a pony? You sat in class daydreaming what your horsey would look like and all the hours you would spend at the barn brushing his mane and tail and giving him kisses? You knew that when you got your very own horse you would be the luckiest girl in the world…. and then… you met Johnny and got knocked up. You pushed your dreams of horses aside and imagined a life with Johnny and your new baby. You would be a stay at home mom and he would work and pay the bills. Perfect family.
But then Johnny watched you get fat and moody. He ditched you on prom night for the thin and non stretchmarked cheerleading captain while you sat in the corner in your pregnancy prom dress carrying the spawn of satan. I know how hopeless you feel, but cheer up! You can still live your dreams! We have for you the Horse Infant Costume available for less than the cost of a month’s birth control prescription. You can even put peanut butter to the roof of his mouth and make him talk like Mr Ed. Odds are the baby will still smell worse than a horse, but at least if he is dressed like one it will make it more enjoyable to clean.
If that doesn’t work for you, I’ve got plenty more ideas in my head on just how to make your baby more appealing and/or useful for society. I have heard your cries and I have provided a solution! We don’t have to eat them to enjoy them.
Disclaimer: We do not endorse riding of your horse baby. It may result in suffocation and subsequent death.