Tag Archives: vampire nicolas cage

Keanu Reeves: Because Why The Hell Not?

Since we had discussed Nicolas Cages vampirism yesterday, it only seems fit to disprove a similar rumor that revolves around Keanu Reeves.

The Internet is an eternal rumor mill that can easily alter one’s life, either for better or worse. Glenn Beck, for example, was the receiver of the Internets attention when this question was brought forward: Did Glenn Beck rape and murder a young girl in 1990? So many individuals began to Google this question that Glenn Beck murder was the #1 search suggestion for anyone typing in Glenn Beck.

If you type Keanu Reeves into Google’s search bar, Keanu Reeves immortal is the third suggested search, and here’s why:

That is Paul Mounet, born in 1847, who became a doctor and a professional French actor. Mounet starred in numerous films, plays, and movies, building for himself a very prominent career as an actor. Mounet died of heart disease in 1922, but the Internet has taken upon itself to say that this fact is actually false. Mounet’s body, numerous websites claim, was never found after his death, which, combined with his resemblance to Keanu, can only mean that Mounet is actually Keanu, who is immortal. (We need to start a new line of Halloween costumes that specialize in obscure celebrity rumors.)

Right, because thats not an illogical leap at all. Two pictures look alike and people are all of sudden claiming that the individual has found the fountain of youth, forever living and aging and blessing us average humans with their immortal presence.

I’ll just leave this here:

paul mounet

And yes, Keanu does have a remarkable resistance to aging, especially for someone living in a career field as stressful as acting. One only has to look at the picture below to see how little life’s worries have affected his skin complexion. Someone needs to find his secret and inform the rest of us.

Its clearly obvious that Keanu is not an immortal being, since his skin does show small signs of aging. Unless, of course, the immortal trait is only an effect of a larger issue! But what could possibly allow one to age, yet also allow them to regain their youthfulness whenever desired? I might have to go ask vampire Nicolas Cage about that one.

eBay Seller Claims Nicolas Cage is a Vampire

On September 19, an eBay seller by the name of Jack Mord put up an auction for a photo that he claimed would prove Nicolas Cage is a vampire. The photo, which can be seen below, clearly depicts a Civil War-era individual who closely resembles the actor Nicolas Cage. (Now there’s an original idea for Halloween costumes: Vampiric Nicolas Cage.)

Personally, I believe its him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire, etcetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so,” wrote Jack Mord on the eBay posting. “150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult or a talk show host.

vampire cage

The original photo.

The auction has since been taken down, but the photo was previously on sale for more than $1,000,000. The seller Jack Mord claimed that the photo was originally taken by Professor G.B. Smith, who, apparently, was a Confederate photographer that specialized in photographing prisoners of war during the Civil War.

My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, wrote seller Jack Mord. Maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor Nicolas Cage will die but in reality, the undead vampire Nicolas Cage will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over.

nicolas cage

The actual Nicolas Cage.

Mord ended the auction by writing, Any serious potential buyer will be allowed to have a photo expert of their choice examine the original photograph before any money changes hands.

As someone who has yet to appreciate a single Nicolas Cage movie after Conair, I really, really hope that he chooses a different career path next time. One simply has to look at this compilation of movie scenes of him freaking out to see why he needs not to be a movie actor. (Caution: Lots and lots of swears.)