After a horrible week, I decided to spend my Friday night relaxing with a bottle of white zinfandel and my favorite cast of ethic stereotypes on the Jersey Shore. I had been lax in keeping up with this season- somehow watching a bunch of people talk about tanning is seen as less worthwhile than doing homework. After a 4 hour marathon, I am finally caught up, and I have a few observations I would like to share.
1. Smash vs Smush: At first, I thought that these terms were interchangeable. However, I have learned that “smushing” is done with someone who is “wife/husband material” and smashing is done only with sluts. An important distinction!
2. The only difference between “grenades” and “hot girls” is based solely on their willingness to touch a boner, not physical attractiveness.
3. There is a “G” in “sandwich”.
4. If you want to become wife or husband material, you must: 1. Be from Eastern Europe or Latin America, 2. Have interests outside of wearing stretch jersey and binge drinking, and 3. Buy your paramour something desirable, such as a Fossil watch. However,
5. If you buy a girl a Fossil watch, she will not have sex with you. Talk about a Catch-22!
Unfortunately, we live in a society where these have become familiar names in household and internet discussions.
I’ve come up with something better. This is the possible future of the cast if they continue their guido ways…
Let me introduce you to the new and improved fist pumping cast of the Frightcatalog reality blog: Jersey Gore.
When The Situation talks, people can’t help but stare. He walks around making strange choppy hand and arm movements and coupled with random facial spasms. Frankenstein is sort of a given in this particular “situation”.
JWOWW… This wasn’t hard. With all the plastic parts on this broad, we figure she can’t really age…
DJ Pauly D. Two words: Blow. Out. Continuous hair gel applications will do a number on your scalp. Additionally, all those tanning bed visits may leave his skin a bit parched. Make sure you moisturize Pauly!
Finally: Snooki. She’d really like to have you think her nationality is Italian. However, any true Italian knows what beautiful young Italian girls turn into when they get older. Snook, if you want to play the part… do your research!
Finally, Don’t forget your orange glow. It creates that perfect radioactive orange tan look that keeps the rest of society envious. It could possibly help you land a hit TV show as well.