How some people become famous is beyond me. What is even more difficult to fathom is how people can find certain celebrities attractive when they are so hideous I want to laugh every time I see a picture. I’m not shallow…just honest.
Here is a small list of celebrities who won’t be needing masks this year (There will be a part 2 in the near future I’m sure of it):
Oh Courtney. I actually do love you. You are the most lovable trashy train wreck I’ve ever laid eyes upon. For Halloween this year, however, I think you can get away with just being you.
Janice. Google her golden years and you will see that she was an absolutely breathtaking exotic beauty pre-surgery days. She’s been raised to believe that looks are the only thing that matters. She may still be banking in the modeling business but her once natural beauty has turned to a plastic nightmare. Maybe she should quit the knife and start working on her personality.
Tori Spelling. 9021ohhhh my god your face. I honestly gasp every time I open tabloid and see her face. I just don’t get it. I keep looking at it trying to figure it out but it’s not coming to me. I don’t get it. I’ve really nothing else to say.
Versace. You would think with all that money she could afford a better face. Perhaps she could work on a clothing line of designer burkas to help cover up that mug.
Don’t shoot the messenger! There is no doubt that this one got beat with the ugly stick at birth. The hot genes flooded into Kim with nothing to spare for poor Khloe. She looks like one of those mountain trolls. I know you love the Kardashians but you can’t argue with truth.
Jocelyn. Professional bored rich bitch. Would you believe me if I told you this woman actually spent over 4 million dollarsÂ (of her billionaire husband’s money) to look like this? It’s not even human. Who the hell is her surgeon? She actually became famous due to how ridiculous her face is. I can’t stop staring at it. Waking up next to this would be scarier then falling off a 10 story building…. which is sort of what she looks like anyway.
Actually, the more I think about it. I’m starting to notice something very interesting. Perhaps she is the long lost sister of the Cowardly Lion? Or maybe gearing up for Wizard of Oz on Broadway Thoughts?
Ok so just another spooky day at FrightCatalog.com right? Not so fast. I forgot my power cord at home so I ran home around lunch to pick it up. Leaving my house I saw a green tube crawling acroos my street. I was just going to keep driving and I wish I did. Of course curiosity kills the cat. I turned around, got out of the car and took a picture. I always have my handy Paper Mate pen with me so I put it down for reference.
When I put the pen down this think shrunk up a little so it’s even larger when its extended. In this picture this thing was about 4″, extended I could see it at 5″. Another weird thing was that it looks like it was twisting as it crawled.
The most horrifying part of this whole thing, besides the size, was the stinger on the end of it. The stinger was a good 1/4″ of pure horror.
Of course as I am writing this blog Shawn who sits next to me said he would eat it. Yea right.
This story is based on real life events that happened to the author.
It was a typical beautiful sunny California day. The sun was out, the air was full of fresh carbon dioxide, traffic was at the height of road rage…
I was just getting back from a long run. My blue shirt was soaked in sweat, my black spandex biker shorts were giving me a wedge, and my hair was in a sloppy pony tail that dreaded together from a week of not washing it. I trudged ahead with my backpack on and finally reached my street. I could see my house. I was almost home. I slowed down to drink some water when all of a sudden I caught a glimpse of a dark car slowing down next to me.
Before I could turn to look at the shady car, I hear a woman’s voice yell, “Hey girl, you got some fine ass legs! You should come over here and talk to me!”. I instantly get nervous and turn my head to get a better look at the car. It’s a black expensive looking car with dark tinted windows. An African-American woman leans out of the passenger side window in a low cut tank top. Her large breasts spill over, hair looks disheveled, and she’s sucking on a bright red lollipop. I have a bad feeling creeping through my veins and I know I need to get out of this situation as fast as possible so I walk faster and yell out “I’m in a hurry”. The woman again calls to me, “Baby, you looking real good, why you do me like that. At least give me your number so I can talk to you.” I look over and she pulls out her cell phone.
I peer over to the driver and it appears to be a heavy set middle aged African American male in a suit with dark glasses on. He appears to be amused but impatient. All that is running through my mind is that this is a pimp and ho situation. They are looking to recruit. Women are more trusting of other women so he is using her to get to me. If she doesn’t pick me up he is probably going to beat her. She looks at me with her cell phone in hand and smiles while sucking that bright red lollipop. I feel dirty and scared. What are these people doing on my quiet street? They must have followed me from the main road and I hadn’t noticed.
I yell “I can’t” and instantly look for a way out of this situation. I see a group of people my age walking towards me down the street and run over to them. I tell them to pretend they know me. I stand in their protective shelter while the car pauses and waits for me. It slowly drives by me and does a U-turn and heads back out of the street.
The group stays with me until I feel safe and then I walk towards my house…safe but shaken.
Take this as a warning. Pimps and ho’s work all day. Not just at night. Pimps aren’t easy to pick out like they used to be.
I want to state a call for action that all Pimps wear designated Pimp Suits in bright colors as a warning for normal non cracked out woman to stay as far away from them as possible.
Additionally, pimp cars are easy to spot. Crack whores hang out the sides while sucking lollipops. Do not approach these cars. I repeat- Do NOT approach these cars. Or you can kiss your family goodbye.
I know I usually write funny articles… but this just goes as a warning for everyone to pay attention and stay safe out there. Look out for each other.
When we last left our princess (you), she had just got home from an absurdly horrible date with a man that she thought was going to be her dream come true. He was rude, brash, cocky, and cheap. At the end of the date he still had the nerve invite himself into her home. Now the Princess has ideas of her own…
As you sit in the car and rethink the horrible date, your brain goes into overdrive. You are the Halloween Queen. This prince has no idea who he just crossed. You know this is going to be a date that you’ll remember, but now it will be for the most devious reasons imaginable. You are going to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget. Its time to put the princess away and bring out the demon he has awakened. He pulls up to your house and looks over at you. Aren’t you going to invite me in?he smiles. Oh yes. Oh yes, you are.
You turn to your handsome Prince with a sweet smile on your face. “Can you please just wait in here one minute… my house is such a mess. I wasn’t expecting company. I want to make it as presentable as I can for a Prince like yourself.” The Prince grins and gives you his signature wave of the hand. This is your cue to be dismissed.
You rush into your home. You have little time to make this perfect. You want make this date as unforgettable for him as he has made it for you. You quickly turn on your fog machines to set the mood. You pull out your favorite animatronics and plug em in. These are going to be your crew, your defenders. The Prince will never see this coming.
You head outside to wave down the Prince. You seductively invite him in. As he enters he notices the fog coming from under the door of one of the rooms. “Um, what’s that about?” he asks, pointing to the fog. “And do you have something for Halloween that I don’t know about? I mean…. it’s April for Christ’s sake….” He looks around at the cobwebs and Jack- O- Lanterns scattered around your house and seems uneasy. “Oh, you don’t like it?” you pout. “Halloween is what I live for. Any man who wants to get in my pants needs to get in my Halloween head first” you wink at him.
“Please sit down. Let me get you something to drink.” you say as you push him onto the couch. You head to the kitchen and take out your favorite champagne flute. You fill it with your finest champagne and drop your favorite magic potion into it as a final touch- LSD. Perfect. You saunter out and hand the laced champagne flute to your Prince. “Now, let me slip into something just a little more comfortable” you breathe into his ear. “You are one crazy broad but it’s hot!” the Prince quivers in anticipation.”OH, give me the dress when you are done. I don’t think it fits you as well as I thought it did. I’ll get you something else instead.”
You turn around and cringe as you walk away to the room with the fog. You close the door behind you and breathe. He wants the dress back? You’ll give him the dress back. You grab your stage blood and visciously splatter it all over your dress. Awww…too bad. You liked this dress…but this is well worth the loss. You get naked and splatter the blood all over your body. You slip on your own Prince CHAR-ming mask and get ready for the best Halloween scare the month of April has ever known.
You yell to the Prince from behind your door, “I’m ready for you.” Just as he opens the door, you start screaming. Holding your prop butcher knife in one hand and the bloody dress in the other hand. The Prince freezes in disbelief. All of a sudden Krazy Kristen starts screaming and thrashing from her metal wall. As the Prince turns an ice cold body falls from the door way and knocks him to the ground. The Prince, stunned, looks up and sees a half torso of a man twitching and jerking above him. You inch towards him making deathly gurgling noises and snaring. As the Prince wildly screams and backs away towards a different corner of the room, he bumps into Spitting Debby. She stops her eating and lifts her head up and spits a blast of water and air into his face. The Prince’s heart almost beats out of his chest as he screams and runs for the door. Finally, your favorite clown Chuckles bounces down from the doorway and you laugh in a horror of hysterics as the Prince falls and runs for safety.
You run after him. “You forgot your DRESS!” you snare. But it is too late. He’s already burned rubber down the street and in the next city before you can blink. You are left with tire tracks in your driveway as a souvenir of your dirty work and a warning to future bad dates.
You kiss your favorite Prince of all, Prince Chuckles, and close the door.
Torture comes in all shapes and sizes. So does your mother in law.
So, you’ve met the woman of your dreams. Now comes time to meet the family. You already know your partner was adopted, but you don’t know much about her family. She never really talked about them and you never really asked. All you know is that they raised one hell of a beautiful and perfect woman, so how bad could they really be?
You dress in your Sunday best, pick up a fresh apple pie to bring over, and hit the road.
Your partner is unusually quiet. You take the opportunity to enjoy the silence. After several windy roads, you start to wonder where these people actually live. You look over at your lady. She is compulsively picking at the skin around her nails and licking her lips. You haven’t seen her act this way before. You assume she is just nervous if her family will like you or not. “How much further, honey?”. Your voice breaks the silence and seems to startle her, which in turn startles you too. She looks at you with her wide ocean blue eyes and says “We’re not too far now”. Her quiet and meek voice floats through your ears like a delicate breeze. You really are a lucky man, you think to yourself as you turn focus back on the road.
The daylight is fading fast. However, several trees and windy roads later, you come upon the house. It is a little middle America looking, with a broken down chicken coup in the font and various lawn tools strewn about. Maybe this was why she seemed nervous. You aren’t the neatest and cleanest man around, but this place makes yours look like Martha Stuarts summer home. As you slow down to park, your car shakes and bumps along the uneven dirt road. This is like something right out of the movies. Wanting to ease your lady’s nerves, you take her tiny pale hand and lean over to kiss her pink cheek. “We’re here baby. This is very quaint. Like one of those old country movies…” She seems to know you are just trying to make her feel better, but she lets her small bow lips curl up into a half smile as if to let you know she appreciates the gesture. Her smile quickly disappears as you open the car door.
After taking a moment to breathe the crisp air into your lungs, you walk to the other side of the car where your lovely lady waits. Her strawberry blond hair seems to warm the dark around you. She looks beautiful with her pretty light blue dress and the apple pie resting in a box on her lap. You smile at her and reach down to open the door. As you look down, you notice a little bit of red on your hands. You gasp when you realize that it’s blood. When it registers that it is not your blood, you quickly realize that it is your lady’s. She must have inadvertently made herself bleed while she picked at her hands in the car. Not missing a beat, you wipe your hands on your jeans and open the door. You don’t want to upset or embarrass her. You softly take her cold hands into your warm ones and help her out of the car without a word.
As you both stare at the sorry excuse for a house in front of you, you squeeze her hand and smile. “Is there anything I should know before we go in there….?” you say with a wink.
Our 10 days of torture continue with day number two. Before the invention of our much beloved electric chair, there was a different seat to die on, something much more terrifying.
Let me introduce you to none other than the Chair of Torture. A simple and fitting name for this living room essential. The chair is made of solid metal and boasts hundreds of sharp spikes. There are straps and bars to keep your legs, feet, and torso uncomfortably secured at all times. All you need to do now is give your truthful confession, or just exactly what your torturer wants to hear and perhaps you may be mercifully granted a quick death. If, however, you don’t wisely choose your words, you may be subjected to a long, slow, indescribably barbaric and painful death.
If your torturer is feeling particularly frisky, he may sit on your body, piercing the spikes further into your flesh. He may also tighten the straps or push down on the bars for harsh concentrated pain. If he is feeling more than playful, he may warm your seat for you before you sit down. By warming your seat, I mean that he will use hot coals to heat the metal to a hellish fire temperature. This will make the nails more easily pierce your body and burn you from the inside out.
The chair was considered so horrific and terrifying that the accused would often commit suicide before even coming anywhere near the chair. Death could be dragged out for long periods of time due to the nails stopping the blood from completely flowing out. If you survived the chair, you would not survive the consequential infections that would ensue from contact with the rusty nails.
Now, I’m sure you are asking yourself “where can I buy such an amazing piece of history?” Well, I’ve already looked into it and it seems that your local Pottery Barn is out of stock and unfortunately won’t be getting anymore in. However, Frightcatalog.com has several torture chairs for your personal enjoyment. Check out the new updated version of our classic Chair of Torture: the Ultimate Electric Chair. Your chair comes complete with a screaming, sniveling thrashing victim of your very own! Enjoy countless hours of shocking good times while your victim begs over and over again for mercy. You are the Torture Tornado. Put this thing in your living room and rest assured you will get the respect you deserve.
This poor thing is one hot mess, but it’s a cool Halloween costume. The dark gothic bride, the brooding mood. When high fashion and hell meet it can create some stunning visuals. The hair and makeup alone must have taken hours. So if you are going to get a costume like this for Halloween make sure you have plenty of time on your hands to get ready. After all getting that “just dead” look can take soem time.