Tag Archives: princess

Thanksgiving Eve. Feeling Randy? (NSFW)

Of course you can count on me to get your blood flowing.

Right about now, the wife is frantic at the supermarket trying to get everything in order for the big day tomorrow. Hold up and take a break. Everything will get done and everything will be delicious and wonderful like it was last year. It will all go by way too fast and you will be left with a mess to clean up before you realize you even ate the turkey.

So, take a breath. Life is too short to be stressed and serious. Forget the turkey and focus on your own “wish bone” for a second. Here’s the deal. Role Play. Even adults should get to dress up and play once in a while.

Native Maiden Costume

Noble Warrior Adult Costume

There are a few ways to play this. You can be the Pilgram man hunting the Indian princess….chase her around the fire and pull her back by the hair. You can both be innocent Puritans preparing your first meal…and getting a little frisky under your bonnets….. You can both be Indian savages on the hunt without any regard to authority. Paint your faces and scream and dance by the fire. Finally, she can be the Puritan and you can be the horny Indian man on the hunt for some white meat ;) The choice is yours.

Step away from everything and take some time for each other. If you have kids (that sucks) send them to their friends house to play. Give yourself a moment just for you. Light some candles and let the games begin. When you get in costume, you won’t feel stupid, you will feel like the character you are internalizing. It will make your significant other even more exciting because in a strange way it will feel like cheating. Get into character, set your story line, and let yourself go. Imagine the naughty looks over dinner tomorrow ;) I guarantee that getting things ready for Thanksgiving before everyone comes over will be a lot less stressful this year.

Pilgrim Woman Costume

Pious Pilgrim Man Adult Costume

Whatever way you play it, it will be a nice escape from the madness. Yes, I can take the most innocent holiday and turn it into sex, and I believe that you should too. Get playing before you get so stuffed on turkey tomorrow that you can’t even roll over to say goodnight. Get to it while your top button can still button. Have fun ;)

Feeling Med-evil? Dragon Slaying Party!

Here’s the plan. Go with me on this one.

It’s the kid’s birthday, or you just got a raise at work, or you got a divorce, or just any excuse in which a party can be thrown.

Go with a medieval theme. Due to the popularity of the movie “How to Train Your Dragon” the kids will be more then thrilled. Here are the steps to assure a party the kids will never forget. Trust me on this one.

It’s a medieval party so you will need to put out the themed eating utensils to assure the proper eating of your homemade dragon cake. Have the kids help you make and decorate the dragon. It may come out more dysfunctional looking with their help, but the ineptitude of children has a way of making you feel smarter. Plus you can use it as bonding time or whatever.

Next get everyone in the mood by setting the scene with a proper background of haunted trees. Turn on theĀ fog machine to make everything eerily fantastical.

Now for the main event: the dragon slaying. There’s two ways you can play this game: socially acceptable or child traumatizing. I of course prefer the latter of the two…but it’s not my party.

Socially acceptable dragon slaying:

You the adult don the costume of the dragon. The children get to dress up as knights and princesses. You run around your mystical woods scaring the knights and wreaking havoc. The mini-knights finally take you down in a blaze of fiery glory. They attack you with plastic swords until you snuff your final puff of breath. Little kids win. Little kids scream in happiness. You bust your hip and take a couple sword pokes to the eyeballs but hey, the kids are happy.

http://www.frightcatalog.com/i/240×240/1006943.jpg

Child traumatizing (more fun):

This time the roles are reversed. The children are dressed as dragons and you are the knight. Time to take revenge on the little heathens. My advice, get the baby dragons first. They can only crawl. Once they are strung up by their feet you can set your eyes on the faster ones. They are tricky little buggers. The kids will scream and probably cry… but they are dragons. Don’t let them fool you. Once all the dragons are slayed, you can enjoy a nice big dragon cake all to yourself in sweet silence. Now that’s a happy ending.

What are you waiting for? Get your dragon slaying party started today!

Disclaimer for the town idiot:

I do not endorse attacking your child with a sword and eating his cake. You could probably get arrested for that. This article is for satirical purposes only.

Prince Charming. Part 1.

Prince Charming Elite Collection Adult Plus Costum

You saw his picture on Facebook. He was a friend of a friend. You requested him. He accepted. You looked at all his photos and were enamored. You found his status updates entertaining and exchanged various silly posts to each others walls. One fateful day your Prince asks you out on a date. So you spend all night doing your hair and makeup and choosing just the right outfit. You look ravishing! Finally your Prince Charming rings the doorbell and you prepare yourself to be swept away.

He is a little late picking you up, but your Prince explains that he got caught in rush hour so that is a valid excuse. Oh wait, you just remembered that it’s Saturday, no traffic. Well, at any rate, he’s there now so you are prepared to enjoy yourself. He doesn’t have any flowers, but that is such an old tradition that you don’t let it bother you. He smiles at you and you feel yourself melt into his perfect symmetrical dimples.

Empress Adult Costume

Empress Adult Costume

Suddenly his smile fades to an almost blase expression. “Oh. You are wearing that?” he disapprovingly utters. You are shocked. You look down at your outfit that you spent all day picking out. “You…you don’t like it?” you stammer. “No, it’s not that I don’t like it. It’s that you are so much prettier than that. ” he sneakily smiles. “I have something for you, my princess.” You are confused and your heart doesn’t know weather to drop or to fly. He takes your hand and leads you to his red hot Ferrari. He opens the door and hands you a Gucci shopping bag. You open the bag and pull out the sexiest red dress you’ve ever seen. Well this just seems to make up for everything! He really is a prince! How did you get so lucky? “Oh, my, gosh! It’s beautiful! Thank you!” you throw your arms around him for a hug.

He pushes you away. “Careful. I don’t want you to get all that makeup on my suit. It’s expensive.” he states matter of fact. You just assume he is joking. You invite him into your home so you can go change before your date. He declines the offer as his phone starts to ring. He tells you to be quick about it because dinner reservations are in 20 minutes and you still have to drive there. He seems to dismiss you with a wave of his hand while he answers his phone. You think to yourself that he is just busy with business. He got your such a gorgeous dress. No one has ever done that on the first date. With a Gucci in your hand, you can excuse just about anything this guy could do. He was just so handsome and rich. He was indeed your Prince Charming.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Just as you open the door to your house he cups his hand on his phone and yells at to you “Hey, keep the tags on, just in case the date doesn’t work out!” WHAT? Is he serious? Your brains starts spinning as you turn around to look back at him in shock. At that moment he starts laughing hysterically. “You should see your face!” he utters between giggles. “The dress is yours, Princess. Just no dessert for you. Don’t want you popping out of the dress too soon!” he snaps with a wink. Your Prince is a joker, you’ll give him that, but the way he calls you ‘Princess’ seems to excuse anything he can say or do. Not to mention the Gucci you are about to put on. This is going to be an interesting date to say the least.

…to be continued.