Tag Archives: mothers day

Babies: For Mother’s Day.

Daisy Bunting Infant Costume

It’s almost Mother’s Day and as usual you are running out to get a last minute gift. You are combing the Hallmark isles and sifting through the picked over “I love you Mom” section. You run to the flower section where all that is left is thirty dollar half dead daisy bouquet. Your own baby has soiled his diaper and is making a scene in the store. You are at your wits end!

Mother’s day is supposed to be special, not frustrating. A bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear, and/or a Hallmark card isn’t going to make up for the nine months of torture you put your Mother through, not to mention her labor and your actual birth. You can take her out to dinner but that doesn’t add up to all the formula she bought for you, all the lunches she made you, all the birthday parties she organized for you… you gave her the short end of the stick.

As you sit in the store, hopeless and defeated, you take a better look at your baby. You put as much love and care into this child as anyone and it still doesn’t appreciate you. It’s mother’s day and you are a mother yourself. When do you get your vacation?

Suddenly- you flash to the creative and wisdom filled sarcastic writings of a bitter frightcatalog writer. You jump on the internet and BLAMO! Instant solution:

Lil Teddy Bear Elite Collection Infant Toddler Cos

It’s almost Mother’s Day and you’ve got problems, so I’ll just cut to the chase. Suit your baby up in our Daisy Bunting Infant Costume. Take some crayons and create your own Hallmark Card. You can write “I love you Mom” just as well as anyone at Hallmark can. Plus, mothers like the personal touch better. Next take your Flower Child and put it in a nice basket. Drop him off on your mother’s door ring the bell and hop the next flight to Acapulco.  Mom get’s flowers and a card, you get a vacation. It’s a win/win for you at least. If by some chance you have another child, you can suit him up in the Lil Teddy Bear Elite  costume and throw him in with the flower. PRESTO! Your very own Build-A-Bear. Babies are cute when they don’t look like babies.


Mission: Mother’s Day Impossible

Status: Completed

Another crisis averted thanks to your Halloween Harlot.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Disclaimer: This article is for satirical purposes only. We do not recommend leaving your baby alone on a doorstep. That may constitute neglect. We also do not recommend watering your flower baby as it may cause accidental drowning.

Zombie-tastic Moms

Carrie-Anne Moss as Helen in "Fido."

The zombie plague puts mothers at a distinct disadvantage. While a mother’s survival instinct is strong enough to help her stay alive under horrendous circumstances, she will doom herself to protect and care for her child without a second thought. It’s what moms do. So, in honor of Mothers’ Day, here are five zombie movie moms worth celebrating (spoilers ahead):

Helen Cooper, Night of the Living Dead – Helen believed that her young daughter would recover from a zombie bite up until the moment she saw little Karen devouring her husband, and even then didn’t see it coming that she’d be her baby’s next course. Would she have protected Karen until she turned even if she knew the bite would turn her into the ravenous undead? Probably.

Luda, Dawn of the Dead (2004 remake) – Remake screenwriter James Gunn went there: the unborn undead. When pregnant Luda shows her husband the bite mark, you know it won’t end well. The zombie childbirth arc was shocking enough to be called shameless gimmickry by the jaded, so you know it’s awesome.

Helen Robinson, Fido – Ideal housewife Helen has an affection for her young son’s best friend and pet, a lovable electronically-tamed zombie named Fido. Mom saves the day for her son and Fido, if not her zombie-hating husband, without letting a hair fall out of place.

Kathy, Quarantine – Like Helen Cooper, Kathy protects and tries to nurse her infected child to health only to be attacked by her. Kathy survives (for a while), and still tries to protect her, forcing the others to handcuff her to a banister and reinforcing the notion of unconditional motherly love.

Selena, 28 Days Later – Though not a mother (that we know of) in a biological sense, Selena’s instincts turn maternal when young Hannah is orphaned. When she realizes they’ve been lured into what amounts to sex slavery, Selena does whatever she has to to distract the uninfected-but-out-of-their-minds men from Hannah, like a true mom.

This Mothers’ Day, give Mom what she really wants: a nice bouquet, no bickering in the house for five minutes, and the promise that you won’t hold it against her if she cuts off your head to save herself should you ever get infected.