Tag Archives: mother

Zombie-tastic Moms

Carrie-Anne Moss as Helen in "Fido."

The zombie plague puts mothers at a distinct disadvantage. While a mother’s survival instinct is strong enough to help her stay alive under horrendous circumstances, she will doom herself to protect and care for her child without a second thought. It’s what moms do. So, in honor of Mothers’ Day, here are five zombie movie moms worth celebrating (spoilers ahead):

Helen Cooper, Night of the Living Dead – Helen believed that her young daughter would recover from a zombie bite up until the moment she saw little Karen devouring her husband, and even then didn’t see it coming that she’d be her baby’s next course. Would she have protected Karen until she turned even if she knew the bite would turn her into the ravenous undead? Probably.

Luda, Dawn of the Dead (2004 remake) – Remake screenwriter James Gunn went there: the unborn undead. When pregnant Luda shows her husband the bite mark, you know it won’t end well. The zombie childbirth arc was shocking enough to be called shameless gimmickry by the jaded, so you know it’s awesome.

Helen Robinson, Fido – Ideal housewife Helen has an affection for her young son’s best friend and pet, a lovable electronically-tamed zombie named Fido. Mom saves the day for her son and Fido, if not her zombie-hating husband, without letting a hair fall out of place.

Kathy, Quarantine – Like Helen Cooper, Kathy protects and tries to nurse her infected child to health only to be attacked by her. Kathy survives (for a while), and still tries to protect her, forcing the others to handcuff her to a banister and reinforcing the notion of unconditional motherly love.

Selena, 28 Days Later – Though not a mother (that we know of) in a biological sense, Selena’s instincts turn maternal when young Hannah is orphaned. When she realizes they’ve been lured into what amounts to sex slavery, Selena does whatever she has to to distract the uninfected-but-out-of-their-minds men from Hannah, like a true mom.

This Mothers’ Day, give Mom what she really wants: a nice bouquet, no bickering in the house for five minutes, and the promise that you won’t hold it against her if she cuts off your head to save herself should you ever get infected.

Babies: Other Uses.

Ok so maybe the babies for dinner blog didn’t exactly sit well in your stomach (pardon the pun).

So…being the fair and liberal journalist that I am, I tried to think of other possible uses for babies, perhaps something a little more politically correct.

I couldn’t do it.

Babies are bald, puffy, bite sized old men. They have no motor skills and basically just flop around and cry and poop themselves all day. The only time you will catch em smiling is when they get the poop out and when they get to bask in the glory of having you clean it for them. Not only did you suffer 9 months of carrying them around in your belly (or dealing with the woman that did), you are expected to wait on them hand and foot. Those elitist bastards! What good are they? If we have to have babies in this world, the best thing we can do is make them pleasant to look at.

At frightcatalog.com we have the solution (though not the politically correct solution) to your baby woes. Forget the bibs and the cutsey dresses and typical designer baby outfits you buy your spawn to fit into society. Turn your baby into something useful and/or likable.

Horse Infant Costume

Do you remember when you were little and all you ever wanted was a pony? You sat in class daydreaming what your horsey would look like and all the hours you would spend at the barn brushing his mane and tail and giving him kisses? You knew that when you got your very own horse you would be the luckiest girl in the world…. and then… you met Johnny and got knocked up. You pushed your dreams of horses aside and imagined a life with Johnny and your new baby. You would be a stay at home mom and he would work and pay the bills. Perfect family.

But then Johnny watched you get fat and moody. He ditched you on prom night for the thin and non stretchmarked cheerleading captain while you sat in the corner in your pregnancy prom dress carrying the spawn of satan. I know how hopeless you feel, but cheer up! You can still live your dreams! We have for you the Horse Infant Costume available for less than the cost of a month’s birth control prescription. You can even put peanut butter to the roof of his mouth and make him talk like Mr Ed. Odds are the baby will still smell worse than a horse, but at least if he is dressed like one it will make it more enjoyable to clean.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

If that doesn’t work for you, I’ve got plenty more ideas in my head on just how to make your baby more appealing and/or useful for society. I have heard your cries and I have provided a solution! We don’t have to eat them to enjoy them.

Disclaimer: We do not endorse riding of your horse baby. It may result in suffocation and subsequent death.