Tag Archives: jersey shore

Memoirs of a Bartender:

If you ever go out to a club…

Here are some things to make both our lives a touch easier:

Guido Adult Wig

1. KNOW what you want. Don’t call me over and then proceed to have a 20 min discussion with the rest of your group about what exactly you guys want to drink. I’ve got 30 other people who needs drinks and time is money! Vodka Cran, do it!

2. Have your money READY! I can’t even begin to say how many times I quickly make your drink and return with a smile on my face and your drink in my hands and you are busy texting or making out with your girlfriend or literally taking an hour to slow motion your wallet from your pocket and sift through your cash. I told you how much it was before I made the drink! Come on! You are not the only one in the bar!

3. NEWSFLASH: Telling me to go “easy on the ice” does not equal more alcohol. The amount of alcohol is always the same regardless of one ice cube or thirty. However, you will end up with a watered down drink that you will barely taste the alcohol in. Congrats!

4. Telling me to “hook it up” will not give you a stronger drink unless you already have cash out telling me how much extra you will hook ME up for doing it. Most bartenders know when a person says to “hook it up” they are only going to tip a dollar. We know you are cheap.

5. NEVER ask for a bartender/cocktail waitress’s number. Unless you are tipping us huge and we want you back as a customer, we won’t do it. There are 2387287347 other girls in that club. If you are awesome enough to deserve my number I will give it to you without you even asking. Also,why must you hit on the ONE person who doesn’t have time to talk to you? Just because I’m smiling at you, doesn’t open the door for your come ons. I’m smiling because I want your money, not your wonder willy.

6. Please, I know you are drunk and horny, but please… find some other spot to make out and/or grope up your hook up of the night other then right on my bar. You are not ordering drinks because your tongue is down her throught and your hands are up her skirt. You are taking up space at my bar and preventing other people from ordering drinks. Please find a dark corner to continue your STD search.

7. Affliction shirts and hair gel do not make you cool. In fact, they are a big red flashing “douche bag” sign. Just saying.

8. Being snappy and demanding will only get you a pissed off bartender.

9. When the bar is closed, the bar is closed. We can’t serve you because it is illegal to put any sort of cup over the bar after a certain time. My job isn’t worth your puppy dog eyes. Sorry.

10. Anyway, moral of the story is, tip me big and you get what you pay for: a happy bartender and a legit drink.

Skinned Right Arm

OH: side not… dear DJ.. and every rap song out there, I do not want to put my hands up. Please stop asking me to put my hands up. You keep telling me to put my hands up, but I’m busy. If I want to put my hands up I will. However, constant raising of the hands can lead to dead limbs. Don’t want that not do we?

Jersey Shore

After a horrible week, I decided to spend my Friday night relaxing with a bottle of white zinfandel and my favorite cast of ethic stereotypes on the Jersey Shore. I had been lax in keeping up with this season- somehow watching a bunch of people talk about tanning is seen as less worthwhile than doing homework. After a 4 hour marathon, I am finally caught up, and I have a few observations I would like to share.

1. Smash vs Smush: At first, I thought that these terms were interchangeable. However, I have learned that “smushing” is done with someone who is “wife/husband material” and smashing is done only with sluts. An important distinction!

2. The only difference between “grenades” and “hot girls” is based solely on their willingness to touch a boner, not physical attractiveness.

3. There is a “G” in “sandwich”.

4. If you want to become wife or husband material, you must: 1. Be from Eastern Europe or Latin America, 2. Have interests outside of wearing stretch jersey and binge drinking, and 3. Buy your paramour something desirable, such as a Fossil watch. However,

5. If you buy a girl a Fossil watch, she will not have sex with you. Talk about a Catch-22!

6. Uncle Nino.

7. Pads and tampons are the same thing, especially if they belong “a dirty little hamster”.

8. J-Woww’s boobs do not follow the laws of physics.

9. Getting into a fistfight is an acceptable way to say goodbye.

10. “Tan” is an ethnicity.

We have a Situation: Jersey Gore.

Pauly D, The Situation, JWOWW, and Snooki.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where these have become familiar names in household and internet discussions.

I’ve come up with something better. This is the possible future of the cast if they continue their guido ways…

Let me introduce you to the new and improved fist pumping cast of the Frightcatalog reality blog: Jersey Gore.

The Situation

Frankenstein Mask

When The Situation talks, people can’t help but stare. He walks around making strange choppy hand and arm movements and coupled with random facial spasms. Frankenstein is sort of a given in this particular “situation”.

JWOWW

Plastic Young Female Translucent Mask

JWOWW… This wasn’t hard. With all the plastic parts on this broad, we figure she can’t really age…

DJ Pauly D

Devil Skull Mask

DJ Pauly D. Two words: Blow. Out. Continuous hair gel applications will do a number on your scalp. Additionally, all those tanning bed visits may leave his skin a bit parched. Make sure you moisturize Pauly!

Snooki

Bearded Lady Mask

Finally: Snooki. She’d really like to have you think her nationality is Italian. However, any true Italian knows what beautiful young Italian girls turn into when they get older. Snook, if you want to play the part… do your research!

Finally, Don’t forget your orange glow. It creates that perfect radioactive orange tan look that keeps the rest of society envious. It could possibly help you land a hit TV show as well.

– Sincerely,

Your Halloween Harlot.