Tag Archives: infant

Alternative Baby Boy Apparel

Superman Infant (6-12 Months) Costume

Batman Infant Costume

Besides the fact that hell would freeze over, if for some reason by the immaculate conception I, the Halloween Harlot, had a child… I would make it awesome.

Face it, baby clothes are expensive. Add the clothes to the cost of formula, diapers, school, food, etc and you’ve grown yourself your very own financial pocket parasite. Not to mention, kids aren’t particularly the cutest things in the world. Wouldn’t you rather have a puppy? At least you can leave them alone in the house for a few hours while you run errands.

Anyway, I’m getting off subject. If I had a kid, I’d dress it up like something fun every day. At FrightCatalog.com you can find lots of fun outfits for the same price or less than the cost of normal vanilla baby outfits that you’d find elsewhere.

Little Damion, you want to be Superman today? Hell yeah kiddo! Go save the world! The other kids might try to make fun of him, but I mean, how can you -really- make fun of Superman? He’ll kick your ass. Same goes with Batman or a Stormtrooper. Your kid will start a trend in the school yard. Soon, every kid will want it to be Halloween everyday.

Shrek Infant Toddler Costume

Bonus: The kid will use his imagination! Dressing up in different characters encourages the brain to think outside the box. He will also gain confidence. The more you encourage his awesomeness, the more awesome he will be.

It’s also fun to have to dress the kid up because it’s like having a new character everyday instead of a child. It’s entertainment for the parent. Dress him up like a Rockstar and bring him to a Korn concert. The babes will be all over you that’s for sure. Try dressing him up like a Stormtrooper and tell him that Luke Skywalker called and needs him to clean his room to save the world. Kids are gullible. By dressing him up, you make him more gullible. He’ll feel like cleaning his room is his duty to save the world!

He won’t eat his greens? Dress him up like Shrek and tell him Shrek needs to eat green to stay green! Trust me, he’ll eat his greens.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Why live in a boring world? Imagination starts at youth. Make it Halloween every day and not only will you have a constant source of entertainment, but your kid will grow up brighter and way more awesome then those vanilla Gap babies. Make a stand. Viva Halloween!

Babies: For Mother’s Day.

Daisy Bunting Infant Costume

It’s almost Mother’s Day and as usual you are running out to get a last minute gift. You are combing the Hallmark isles and sifting through the picked over “I love you Mom” section. You run to the flower section where all that is left is thirty dollar half dead daisy bouquet. Your own baby has soiled his diaper and is making a scene in the store. You are at your wits end!

Mother’s day is supposed to be special, not frustrating. A bouquet of flowers, a teddy bear, and/or a Hallmark card isn’t going to make up for the nine months of torture you put your Mother through, not to mention her labor and your actual birth. You can take her out to dinner but that doesn’t add up to all the formula she bought for you, all the lunches she made you, all the birthday parties she organized for you… you gave her the short end of the stick.

As you sit in the store, hopeless and defeated, you take a better look at your baby. You put as much love and care into this child as anyone and it still doesn’t appreciate you. It’s mother’s day and you are a mother yourself. When do you get your vacation?

Suddenly- you flash to the creative and wisdom filled sarcastic writings of a bitter frightcatalog writer. You jump on the internet and BLAMO! Instant solution:

Lil Teddy Bear Elite Collection Infant Toddler Cos

It’s almost Mother’s Day and you’ve got problems, so I’ll just cut to the chase. Suit your baby up in our Daisy Bunting Infant Costume. Take some crayons and create your own Hallmark Card. You can write “I love you Mom” just as well as anyone at Hallmark can. Plus, mothers like the personal touch better. Next take your Flower Child and put it in a nice basket. Drop him off on your mother’s door ring the bell and hop the next flight to Acapulco.  Mom get’s flowers and a card, you get a vacation. It’s a win/win for you at least. If by some chance you have another child, you can suit him up in the Lil Teddy Bear Elite  costume and throw him in with the flower. PRESTO! Your very own Build-A-Bear. Babies are cute when they don’t look like babies.


Mission: Mother’s Day Impossible

Status: Completed

Another crisis averted thanks to your Halloween Harlot.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Disclaimer: This article is for satirical purposes only. We do not recommend leaving your baby alone on a doorstep. That may constitute neglect. We also do not recommend watering your flower baby as it may cause accidental drowning.

Babies: Other Uses.

Ok so maybe the babies for dinner blog didn’t exactly sit well in your stomach (pardon the pun).

So…being the fair and liberal journalist that I am, I tried to think of other possible uses for babies, perhaps something a little more politically correct.

I couldn’t do it.

Babies are bald, puffy, bite sized old men. They have no motor skills and basically just flop around and cry and poop themselves all day. The only time you will catch em smiling is when they get the poop out and when they get to bask in the glory of having you clean it for them. Not only did you suffer 9 months of carrying them around in your belly (or dealing with the woman that did), you are expected to wait on them hand and foot. Those elitist bastards! What good are they? If we have to have babies in this world, the best thing we can do is make them pleasant to look at.

At frightcatalog.com we have the solution (though not the politically correct solution) to your baby woes. Forget the bibs and the cutsey dresses and typical designer baby outfits you buy your spawn to fit into society. Turn your baby into something useful and/or likable.

Horse Infant Costume

Do you remember when you were little and all you ever wanted was a pony? You sat in class daydreaming what your horsey would look like and all the hours you would spend at the barn brushing his mane and tail and giving him kisses? You knew that when you got your very own horse you would be the luckiest girl in the world…. and then… you met Johnny and got knocked up. You pushed your dreams of horses aside and imagined a life with Johnny and your new baby. You would be a stay at home mom and he would work and pay the bills. Perfect family.

But then Johnny watched you get fat and moody. He ditched you on prom night for the thin and non stretchmarked cheerleading captain while you sat in the corner in your pregnancy prom dress carrying the spawn of satan. I know how hopeless you feel, but cheer up! You can still live your dreams! We have for you the Horse Infant Costume available for less than the cost of a month’s birth control prescription. You can even put peanut butter to the roof of his mouth and make him talk like Mr Ed. Odds are the baby will still smell worse than a horse, but at least if he is dressed like one it will make it more enjoyable to clean.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

If that doesn’t work for you, I’ve got plenty more ideas in my head on just how to make your baby more appealing and/or useful for society. I have heard your cries and I have provided a solution! We don’t have to eat them to enjoy them.

Disclaimer: We do not endorse riding of your horse baby. It may result in suffocation and subsequent death.

10 Days of Torture -The Saw

Buzz Saw

Let’s get right to the point shall we? I’ve been doing some research around the internet to bring you a collection of my favorite and most disturbing ancient torture devices. Just the sight of these devices would give even the makers of “Saw” and “Hostile” a chill down their spine. Even I, your Halloween Harlot, could not help but gasp and wince at the horrors before me.

It’s hard to believe that people could come up with such twisted ways to execute someone. Some forms of torture were used to get people to talk while others seem to have been invented for pure morbid pleasure. Though, once you found yourself into one of these little devices, no amount of talking, crying, or praying could save you. You are damn well damned if you do and damn well damned if you don’t. Your fate was sealed the minute the finger was pointed.

Saw Torture

With that in mind, let me introduce to you our most multifunctional item. In fact, you most certainly have one of these horrific torture devices hanging around your garage. It’s called: The Saw. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? It’s great for cutting down trees or trimming lumber for various house hold projects. It’s also amazing at ripping through some poor soul’s flesh as they are hung upside down being bathed in their own blood.

In the middle ages, the cheapest, easiest, and most effective way to torture and/or kill a suspected criminal was with saw torture. Imagine all the fantastical torture devices in you time, all the wonderful ways to die, and your sorry criminal behind gets shafted to the saw. First, you get hung upside down with your legs spread. Your blood is rushed to your head which slows down blood loss and keeps you conscious longer as your body is sawed in half. Isn’t that nice. This method was especially handy during the Inquisition being used to extract confessions. Some bodies were sawed completely in half while others were only to the abdomen.

Now you can own your very own torture device! It’s not cheap- but it’s certainly worth the money. You can scare confessions out of any poor child or adult that dare cross you! The Buzz Saw has a huge spinning blade that comes and rips into the flesh and organs of the victim. It’s actually and illusion that uses the actor’s own head, arms, and legs. While it doesn’t hang you from your feet and rip you from your crotch to your abdomen, it still gets the “point across”.

Devil DLittle Infant Toddler Costume

Random Fact: Not to bring up dead babies again but… while we are on the subject… I came across a website that mentioned saw torture was used in France on pregnant woman who carried the “children of the devil”. Just a little info to store in your brain if you should need it.

Happy Hunting.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Babies. The other white meat.

Imagine if we could solve poverty and world hunger at the same time? In 1979, Johnathan Swift published a classic satire essay that proposed a solution: sell the babies of the poor as a delicacy to rich English gentlemen. In this way he mocked high society and shed a light on class disparity by his absurd proposition.

The website EatBabies.com was born (excuse the pun) in part to Swifts essay and also to celebrate satire in all forms (though, mostly that of eating babies). The site includes comics, art, and some fabulous recipes. Hungry? Try such entrees as Bab-B-Q Torso and follow with a dessert of Babyberry Pie. On a lighter diet? EatBabies.com has got your back! Babies can be a bit high in the fat department, but you can still go healthy with the Low Carb Baby Protein Shake.

Baby Bunting – Pizza Infant Costume

Some time ago, there were emails circulating that depicted an Asian man eating what appeared to be a cooked baby carcass. People were shocked. However, About.com delved into this Urban Legend and believe it to be a hoax. The pictures were traced back to an underground art exhibit after being rejected as “too controversial” by curators of Shanghai 2000 Bienniale. The article suggests that the image could have been composed of doll parts and that if indeed the man was eating a real baby, he would have been arrested.

However, despite the hoaxes and satires, baby eating can be both fun and nutritious. We already know that placenta eating is popular in Chinese medicine and is also practiced in America to an extent. The placenta is loaded with nutrients and is said to have many healing properties. Well let’s not be so quick to disregard the baby itself. The meat is as delicate as veal. The high fat content and lack of muscle makes for a true delicacy.

If you are having a little bit of trouble stomaching the though of eating a baby- FrightCatalog has a solution. We carry all sorts of infant costumes to help the babies go down easier. Try a nice Italian entree of Baby Bunting Pizza followed by a chocolatey Tootsie Roll dessert, and for the more health conscious, the Banana Baby Infant Costume. Just slide on your favorite food costume, and your baby will be much more appealing to eat. TIP: babies are best served rare with a side of buttered peas and a nice Chianti.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: FrightCatalog does not endorse eating babies. The article is for entertainment purposes only.