Pretty, Pretty, Princess

What girl hasn’t dreamt of being a princess? Well, maybe not Cara Maria, but pretty much everyone else. It’s understandable why it would be appealing: getting to wear pretty dresses, having a lot of sparkly crap, spending all day petting cute animals, eating cupcakes for breakfast, and so on (kind of makes up for the whole “forced marriage thing”, but I digress). In celebration, I’ve decided to make a list of my favorite fictional princesses.

Princess Peach

1. Princess Peach

She may wear pink, but Peach is not a stereotypical princess. Although she has mostly been the damsel in distress, she’s done her fair bit of saving as well. Her peachiness does not take away from her bad-assery. She is not afraid to race cars, kill Goombas, and kick general Bowser ass. Also, in SMB2, she could float. Awesome.

Medea

2. Medea

Imagine this: you’re sitting at home, learning witchcraft, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, this total dreamboat shows up at your door. He’s adventurous, handsome, and sweeps you off your feet. He says he needs help getting this weird golden fleece, and promises to marry you if you help him. So you essentially do the work for him, he takes all the credit, and then leaves you for some stupid wench in Corinth. Do you sit back and take it? No. You send that bitch a poisoned wedding dress.

Sleeping Beauty

3. Sleeping Beauty

I love taking naps. I can’t imagine how awesome a 100 year nap would be, especially if it ended with a total beefcake making out with you and a dance session in the sky. Also, she’s got the best outfits out of the Disney Princesses.

Ozma

4. Ozma of Oz

Ozma is one of the most interesting princesses in modern literature. Given to a witch as a baby by her dictator father, she lived the first thirteen years of her life as “Tip”, a young boy (how she couldn’t figure out she was a girl on her own, I have no idea). After being transformed back into a girl by Glinda the Good Witch, she was installed as Oz’s queen, where she rules to this day, albeit, with a little bit of gender confusion.

Arwen

5. Arwen Evenstar

Half-human and half-elf, Arwen is one of the heroines in J.R.R. Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, where she acts as a helping figure to Frodo and the rest of the Fellowship. She also gives up her immortality in order to marry her boyfriend, which is kind of sweet, if you think about it.

Deliver Me to Hell

When I used to drive pizza, I would sometimes play this game in my head where all of the shadowy figures wandering the neighborhoods for whatever reason where the undead. I would mentally log the places with the most severe zombie infestations, usually while blasting Diemonsterdie on the car stereo. Sometimes this game freaked me out so bad I could hardly stand it–yet I still played it. You need to be aware of your surroundings when you’re a pizza driver, just like you’ll have to be when the zombie apocalypse hits. Plus, I figured that when it did hit, that job would be one of the most important jobs out there, next to renegade biker and mercenary. Survivors have to eat, after all.

click to view video

So, it was with great interest that I viewed “Deliver Me to Hell,” an interactive short film from New Zealand’s Hell Pizza, about a pizza driver who valiantly sets out to make his delivery in the middle of the zombie uprising. It’s sort of a “choose your own adventure” game (click on the still to watch, and make sure annotations are turned on), where players who make it to the delivery in one piece are eligible to win a year of free Hell Pizza. The downside, for most of our FrightCatalog.com readers, is that you have to be a resident of New Zealand to win all that free pizza; the upside is that you can still watch from wherever you are and play along, and maybe order yourself a pizza locally. Don’t forget to tip your driver!

Via Dread Central

“Sexy Costumes” :The Strange and Unusual

We all know Halloween is every girl’s excuse to dress like a slut. Except the girls like to call it “sexy”. There is nothing wrong with this and I do highly encourage it. However, it seems like the costume industry is running out of ideas for “sexy women’s costumes” so they are expanding “sexy” to places they probably shouldn’t be going.

Naughty cop, sexy maid, sexy nurse, sexy sailor, naughty sexy school girl, you get the idea… These all pass as part of the sexy Halloween trademark. However, I’ve compiled a list directly from Frightcatalog.com of costumes that seem to beg the question “what are they thinking?!”

Transformers Optimus Prime Sexy Deluxe Adult Costume

6. Sexy Optimus Prime: OK, I can see “sexy” popping immediately into one’s head when the word “transformers” is uttered. However, the brain would connect “sexy” to a certain “fox” rather than an “Optimus Prime”- but I guess everyone deserves a chance….

Sexy Chucky Adult Costume

5. Sexy Chucky: When Child’s Play came out I never thought I’d see the day that a sexy costume of the killer doll would be available in the future. That movie gave me nightmares for years and also resulted in mass dumpster visits of most of my dolls. I will say though, despite the trauma this movie caused me… in some sick way this costume turns me on. I kinda dig it. I want it. Kudos costume manufacturer for making this work.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Sexy Deluxe Adult Costume

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…gone wild. I’m not sure how I feel about this one but something doesn’t sit right with me. Rachel was supposed to be the babe amongst all the green. Perhaps this is another case of “fox” vs “transformers”. I don’t know. I guess I could go with it…especially if said Halloween slut wore those boots. mmmmm turtle power.

Family Guy Sexy Brian Adult Costume

3. Brian… Family Guy: Now we are getting to the strange and unusual. Seriously, who came up with this? I think the real Brian would be offended. Or turned on perhaps. Or flattered. Never mind. I guess it could be worse…. sexy Stewie anyone? Maybe it’s already in the works for Halloween 2011.

Sesame Street Big Bird Sexy Female Adult Costume

2. Sexy Big Bird? Now you’ve taken it too far! This is my childhood we are talking about. Anyone who could find anything sexy about big bird has got to have some childhood issues they haven’t dealt with. I find this very disturbing… and believe me I am into some weird sh**. I mean hey….whatever tickles your pickle I guess. Who am I to judge.

SpongeBob Squarepants Sexy SpongeBob Adult Costume

1. Sexy Sponge Bob.

Really? This is a real costume and the word “sexy” is used in the title. I want to make a joke about crabby patties or something but I really don’t think I even have to.

There you have it- the top six strange sexy costumes according to your Halloween Harlot. What will they come out with next?

Shark Week

It’s my favorite time of year- Shark Week. In celebration, I’ve decided to compile my favorite shark-related facts. Let’s do this:

1. Up until the 16th century, sharks were known simply as “sea dogs”. It wasn’t until 1569 that the word “shark” came into use. The word is derived from the Yucatan Mayan word, xok, which means “he who wears sunglasses”.

2. Out of 440 species, only 4 species are dangerous to humans: the great white (as seen in the movie “Jaws”), oceanic whitetip, tiger, and bull sharks.

3. The Megalodon, an ancient shark, is proposed to have reached a sizeof 20.3 meters, or 67 feet. The largest living shark, the whale shark, only reaches 12.65 meters, or 41.50 feet in length. Thankfully, the Megalodon went extinct during the last ice age (or did it?).

4. When sharks sleep, half of their brain is left awake. This means that they can still hunt, even when resting.

5. Unlike other fish, sharks give birth to live young, instead of laying eggs.

6. Not all sharks are meat-eaters. The largest shark, the whale shark is a vegetarian.

7. Sharks are capable of virgin births. That is, a female can fertilize their own eggs without the help of a male. How’s that for feminism!

8. Every shark attack is kept in the International Shark Attack File, which can be read here.

9. Sharks replace their teeth, on average, every 8-10 days.

10. Over the course of 12 days in 1916, there was a series of shark attacks along the Jersey Shore. No word on whether fistpumping was involved.

Time to DIE Out for Ghoulish Seasonal Jobs

Crypt Keeper Doctor Costume

It’s August, which means one thing: time to go out and audition for a Halloween job at one of the many haunted attractions or theme parks. These attractions need ghouls, so get out there!

Look up local attractions on hauntworld.com for audition information, or try out for one of these gigs:

  • Six Flags Great Adventure FrightFest will be auditioning actors, magicians, acrobats and other freaks of nature on August 10th and 12th in Jackson, NJ. Follow the link for specific information.
  • Eastern State Penitentiary, one of the nation’s top haunted house attractions, located inside the historic abandoned prison in Philadelphia, will hold its 2010 auditions from August 29 – September 1, with additional auditions throughout the season. No prepared monologues or headshots necessary.
  • Blood Manor in New York City is accepting online applications for actors and other positions.
  • Headless Horseman Hayrides and Haunted Houses have a big reputation to live up to, being located in the Hudson Valley in Upstate New York, home of Washington Irving’s famous “Legend of Sleepy Hollow.” Call to schedule and interview/audition.
  • Salem, MA has tons of haunted events and attractions planned throughout October, with lots of opportunities for ghoulish seasonal employment.

Pussy Pussy Bang Bang!

Venetian Mask Black Cat

Frightcatalog is all about the strange and unusual… and I myself am more then strange and unusual.

After randomly coming across a very beautifully well crafted family friendly movie on TV, I happened to get into one of the songs that was playing in the background. I was not able to resist the urge to dance up and down in my seat. Since I couldn’t get the song out of my head, further investigation into this snappy tune was warranted. As Google as my savior, I discovered that the song was entitled Pussy Pussy Bang Bang by Roobie Breastnut. The video to this song may be just as twisted as the song is catchy.

Watch the Video Here:

Click Here to watch Pussy Pussy Bang Bang!

Batman Dark Knight Adult Joker 3 4 Vinyl Mask with Hair

Stranger But True Fact: The odd joker knock off in the video is also known as Count Smokula. A friend of mine pointed out that he had seen that character before in a show we’ve probably all seen at least once: Blind Date. If you don’t feel like watching the video, I can safely tell you that the date didn’t turn out so well for our face painted friend. Oddly enough however, the seemingly normal woman was ready to give him a kiss and get in bed with him if he washed off his face paint. Smokula blew the deal by refusing to reveal his true identity.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Take a lesson from Smoky, try the mysterious man in the mask routine to round up some interest from the ladies. Just remember, when the offer to get in their bedroom arises and they ask you to take off the mask, you better listen!

Anyway, I can’t sit still anymore. This song makes me want to put my cat mask on and dance around with my bull whip.

Off I shall prance! I tip my cat ears to you oh crazy wonderful cat lady! Meow!

Eddie Munster Engaged to Biggest Fan

Most of us remember growing up watching The Munsters on TV. Well, our littlest Munster, Eddie (Butch Patrick) is all grown up. He’s 57, to be exact, and ready to settle down with one of his long time fans, Donna McCall. Donna wrote him fan letters in the 60′s to which he responded. They lost track over the years but have since reconnected with her perseverance. Once they met in person, the romance went full fire and the engagement came soon after. Love at first fright! (full story at TheExaminer.com)

This just goes to show you, stalking and stroking egos could eventually land you a marriage to a D list celeb. A happy and dedicated fan will surely make up for the lack of attention and dead career of a former celeb. So go through your history books and find your favorite 60′s and 70′s TV show stars and write them a fan letter. They are just about ripe for the pickin’! You never know, you could end up hook, line, and D-list sinker!

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Friday the 13th Kills

Revisit Camp Crystal Lake for three and a half minutes of Jason Voorhees kills set to the tune “Friday the 13th” by ZOMBIE! And play horror trivia Sunday at 11:45 PM EST on their facebook page, if you’ve got the chops to back up your  encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies with lightning fast responses.

Watch: Friday the 13th Kills! Tribute by ZOMBIE! REAL HORROR ROCK!

Feeling Med-evil? Dragon Slaying Party!

Here’s the plan. Go with me on this one.

It’s the kid’s birthday, or you just got a raise at work, or you got a divorce, or just any excuse in which a party can be thrown.

Go with a medieval theme. Due to the popularity of the movie “How to Train Your Dragon” the kids will be more then thrilled. Here are the steps to assure a party the kids will never forget. Trust me on this one.

It’s a medieval party so you will need to put out the themed eating utensils to assure the proper eating of your homemade dragon cake. Have the kids help you make and decorate the dragon. It may come out more dysfunctional looking with their help, but the ineptitude of children has a way of making you feel smarter. Plus you can use it as bonding time or whatever.

Next get everyone in the mood by setting the scene with a proper background of haunted trees. Turn on the fog machine to make everything eerily fantastical.

Now for the main event: the dragon slaying. There’s two ways you can play this game: socially acceptable or child traumatizing. I of course prefer the latter of the two…but it’s not my party.

Socially acceptable dragon slaying:

You the adult don the costume of the dragon. The children get to dress up as knights and princesses. You run around your mystical woods scaring the knights and wreaking havoc. The mini-knights finally take you down in a blaze of fiery glory. They attack you with plastic swords until you snuff your final puff of breath. Little kids win. Little kids scream in happiness. You bust your hip and take a couple sword pokes to the eyeballs but hey, the kids are happy.

http://www.frightcatalog.com/i/240×240/1006943.jpg

Child traumatizing (more fun):

This time the roles are reversed. The children are dressed as dragons and you are the knight. Time to take revenge on the little heathens. My advice, get the baby dragons first. They can only crawl. Once they are strung up by their feet you can set your eyes on the faster ones. They are tricky little buggers. The kids will scream and probably cry… but they are dragons. Don’t let them fool you. Once all the dragons are slayed, you can enjoy a nice big dragon cake all to yourself in sweet silence. Now that’s a happy ending.

What are you waiting for? Get your dragon slaying party started today!

Disclaimer for the town idiot:

I do not endorse attacking your child with a sword and eating his cake. You could probably get arrested for that. This article is for satirical purposes only.