Deliver Me to Hell

When I used to drive pizza, I would sometimes play this game in my head where all of the shadowy figures wandering the neighborhoods for whatever reason where the undead. I would mentally log the places with the most severe zombie infestations, usually while blasting Diemonsterdie on the car stereo. Sometimes this game freaked me out so bad I could hardly stand it–yet I still played it. You need to be aware of your surroundings when you’re a pizza driver, just like you’ll have to be when the zombie apocalypse hits. Plus, I figured that when it did hit, that job would be one of the most important jobs out there, next to renegade biker and mercenary. Survivors have to eat, after all.

click to view video

So, it was with great interest that I viewed “Deliver Me to Hell,” an interactive short film from New Zealand’s Hell Pizza, about a pizza driver who valiantly sets out to make his delivery in the middle of the zombie uprising. It’s sort of a “choose your own adventure” game (click on the still to watch, and make sure annotations are turned on), where players who make it to the delivery in one piece are eligible to win a year of free Hell Pizza. The downside, for most of our FrightCatalog.com readers, is that you have to be a resident of New Zealand to win all that free pizza; the upside is that you can still watch from wherever you are and play along, and maybe order yourself a pizza locally. Don’t forget to tip your driver!

Via Dread Central

“Sexy Costumes” :The Strange and Unusual

We all know Halloween is every girl’s excuse to dress like a slut. Except the girls like to call it “sexy”. There is nothing wrong with this and I do highly encourage it. However, it seems like the costume industry is running out of ideas for “sexy women’s costumes” so they are expanding “sexy” to places they probably shouldn’t be going.

Naughty cop, sexy maid, sexy nurse, sexy sailor, naughty sexy school girl, you get the idea… These all pass as part of the sexy Halloween trademark. However, I’ve compiled a list directly from Frightcatalog.com of costumes that seem to beg the question “what are they thinking?!”

Transformers Optimus Prime Sexy Deluxe Adult Costume

6. Sexy Optimus Prime: OK, I can see “sexy” popping immediately into one’s head when the word “transformers” is uttered. However, the brain would connect “sexy” to a certain “fox” rather than an “Optimus Prime”- but I guess everyone deserves a chance….

Sexy Chucky Adult Costume

5. Sexy Chucky: When Child’s Play came out I never thought I’d see the day that a sexy costume of the killer doll would be available in the future. That movie gave me nightmares for years and also resulted in mass dumpster visits of most of my dolls. I will say though, despite the trauma this movie caused me… in some sick way this costume turns me on. I kinda dig it. I want it. Kudos costume manufacturer for making this work.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Sexy Deluxe Adult Costume

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…gone wild. I’m not sure how I feel about this one but something doesn’t sit right with me. Rachel was supposed to be the babe amongst all the green. Perhaps this is another case of “fox” vs “transformers”. I don’t know. I guess I could go with it…especially if said Halloween slut wore those boots. mmmmm turtle power.

Family Guy Sexy Brian Adult Costume

3. Brian… Family Guy: Now we are getting to the strange and unusual. Seriously, who came up with this? I think the real Brian would be offended. Or turned on perhaps. Or flattered. Never mind. I guess it could be worse…. sexy Stewie anyone? Maybe it’s already in the works for Halloween 2011.

Sesame Street Big Bird Sexy Female Adult Costume

2. Sexy Big Bird? Now you’ve taken it too far! This is my childhood we are talking about. Anyone who could find anything sexy about big bird has got to have some childhood issues they haven’t dealt with. I find this very disturbing… and believe me I am into some weird sh**. I mean hey….whatever tickles your pickle I guess. Who am I to judge.

SpongeBob Squarepants Sexy SpongeBob Adult Costume

1. Sexy Sponge Bob.

Really? This is a real costume and the word “sexy” is used in the title. I want to make a joke about crabby patties or something but I really don’t think I even have to.

There you have it- the top six strange sexy costumes according to your Halloween Harlot. What will they come out with next?

Shark Week

It’s my favorite time of year- Shark Week. In celebration, I’ve decided to compile my favorite shark-related facts. Let’s do this:

1. Up until the 16th century, sharks were known simply as “sea dogs”. It wasn’t until 1569 that the word “shark” came into use. The word is derived from the Yucatan Mayan word, xok, which means “he who wears sunglasses”.

2. Out of 440 species, only 4 species are dangerous to humans: the great white (as seen in the movie “Jaws”), oceanic whitetip, tiger, and bull sharks.

3. The Megalodon, an ancient shark, is proposed to have reached a sizeof 20.3 meters, or 67 feet. The largest living shark, the whale shark, only reaches 12.65 meters, or 41.50 feet in length. Thankfully, the Megalodon went extinct during the last ice age (or did it?).

4. When sharks sleep, half of their brain is left awake. This means that they can still hunt, even when resting.

5. Unlike other fish, sharks give birth to live young, instead of laying eggs.

6. Not all sharks are meat-eaters. The largest shark, the whale shark is a vegetarian.

7. Sharks are capable of virgin births. That is, a female can fertilize their own eggs without the help of a male. How’s that for feminism!

8. Every shark attack is kept in the International Shark Attack File, which can be read here.

9. Sharks replace their teeth, on average, every 8-10 days.

10. Over the course of 12 days in 1916, there was a series of shark attacks along the Jersey Shore. No word on whether fistpumping was involved.

Time to DIE Out for Ghoulish Seasonal Jobs

Crypt Keeper Doctor Costume

It’s August, which means one thing: time to go out and audition for a Halloween job at one of the many haunted attractions or theme parks. These attractions need ghouls, so get out there!

Look up local attractions on hauntworld.com for audition information, or try out for one of these gigs:

  • Six Flags Great Adventure FrightFest will be auditioning actors, magicians, acrobats and other freaks of nature on August 10th and 12th in Jackson, NJ. Follow the link for specific information.
  • Eastern State Penitentiary, one of the nation’s top haunted house attractions, located inside the historic abandoned prison in Philadelphia, will hold its 2010 auditions from August 29 – September 1, with additional auditions throughout the season. No prepared monologues or headshots necessary.
  • Blood Manor in New York City is accepting online applications for actors and other positions.
  • Headless Horseman Hayrides and Haunted Houses have a big reputation to live up to, being located in the Hudson Valley in Upstate New York, home of Washington Irving’s famous “Legend of Sleepy Hollow.” Call to schedule and interview/audition.
  • Salem, MA has tons of haunted events and attractions planned throughout October, with lots of opportunities for ghoulish seasonal employment.

Pussy Pussy Bang Bang!

Venetian Mask Black Cat

Frightcatalog is all about the strange and unusual… and I myself am more then strange and unusual.

After randomly coming across a very beautifully well crafted family friendly movie on TV, I happened to get into one of the songs that was playing in the background. I was not able to resist the urge to dance up and down in my seat. Since I couldn’t get the song out of my head, further investigation into this snappy tune was warranted. As Google as my savior, I discovered that the song was entitled Pussy Pussy Bang Bang by Roobie Breastnut. The video to this song may be just as twisted as the song is catchy.

Watch the Video Here:

Click Here to watch Pussy Pussy Bang Bang!

Batman Dark Knight Adult Joker 3 4 Vinyl Mask with Hair

Stranger But True Fact: The odd joker knock off in the video is also known as Count Smokula. A friend of mine pointed out that he had seen that character before in a show we’ve probably all seen at least once: Blind Date. If you don’t feel like watching the video, I can safely tell you that the date didn’t turn out so well for our face painted friend. Oddly enough however, the seemingly normal woman was ready to give him a kiss and get in bed with him if he washed off his face paint. Smokula blew the deal by refusing to reveal his true identity.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Take a lesson from Smoky, try the mysterious man in the mask routine to round up some interest from the ladies. Just remember, when the offer to get in their bedroom arises and they ask you to take off the mask, you better listen!

Anyway, I can’t sit still anymore. This song makes me want to put my cat mask on and dance around with my bull whip.

Off I shall prance! I tip my cat ears to you oh crazy wonderful cat lady! Meow!

Eddie Munster Engaged to Biggest Fan

Most of us remember growing up watching The Munsters on TV. Well, our littlest Munster, Eddie (Butch Patrick) is all grown up. He’s 57, to be exact, and ready to settle down with one of his long time fans, Donna McCall. Donna wrote him fan letters in the 60’s to which he responded. They lost track over the years but have since reconnected with her perseverance. Once they met in person, the romance went full fire and the engagement came soon after. Love at first fright! (full story at TheExaminer.com)

This just goes to show you, stalking and stroking egos could eventually land you a marriage to a D list celeb. A happy and dedicated fan will surely make up for the lack of attention and dead career of a former celeb. So go through your history books and find your favorite 60’s and 70’s TV show stars and write them a fan letter. They are just about ripe for the pickin’! You never know, you could end up hook, line, and D-list sinker!

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Friday the 13th Kills

Revisit Camp Crystal Lake for three and a half minutes of Jason Voorhees kills set to the tune “Friday the 13th” by ZOMBIE! And play horror trivia Sunday at 11:45 PM EST on their facebook page, if you’ve got the chops to back up your  encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies with lightning fast responses.

Watch: Friday the 13th Kills! Tribute by ZOMBIE! REAL HORROR ROCK!

Feeling Med-evil? Dragon Slaying Party!

Here’s the plan. Go with me on this one.

It’s the kid’s birthday, or you just got a raise at work, or you got a divorce, or just any excuse in which a party can be thrown.

Go with a medieval theme. Due to the popularity of the movie “How to Train Your Dragon” the kids will be more then thrilled. Here are the steps to assure a party the kids will never forget. Trust me on this one.

It’s a medieval party so you will need to put out the themed eating utensils to assure the proper eating of your homemade dragon cake. Have the kids help you make and decorate the dragon. It may come out more dysfunctional looking with their help, but the ineptitude of children has a way of making you feel smarter. Plus you can use it as bonding time or whatever.

Next get everyone in the mood by setting the scene with a proper background of haunted trees. Turn on the fog machine to make everything eerily fantastical.

Now for the main event: the dragon slaying. There’s two ways you can play this game: socially acceptable or child traumatizing. I of course prefer the latter of the two…but it’s not my party.

Socially acceptable dragon slaying:

You the adult don the costume of the dragon. The children get to dress up as knights and princesses. You run around your mystical woods scaring the knights and wreaking havoc. The mini-knights finally take you down in a blaze of fiery glory. They attack you with plastic swords until you snuff your final puff of breath. Little kids win. Little kids scream in happiness. You bust your hip and take a couple sword pokes to the eyeballs but hey, the kids are happy.

http://www.frightcatalog.com/i/240×240/1006943.jpg

Child traumatizing (more fun):

This time the roles are reversed. The children are dressed as dragons and you are the knight. Time to take revenge on the little heathens. My advice, get the baby dragons first. They can only crawl. Once they are strung up by their feet you can set your eyes on the faster ones. They are tricky little buggers. The kids will scream and probably cry… but they are dragons. Don’t let them fool you. Once all the dragons are slayed, you can enjoy a nice big dragon cake all to yourself in sweet silence. Now that’s a happy ending.

What are you waiting for? Get your dragon slaying party started today!

Disclaimer for the town idiot:

I do not endorse attacking your child with a sword and eating his cake. You could probably get arrested for that. This article is for satirical purposes only.

TRUE LIFE: I was solicited by a pimp and ho.

This story is based on real life events that happened to the author.

It was a typical beautiful sunny California day. The sun was out, the air was full of fresh carbon dioxide, traffic was at the height of road rage…

I was just getting back from a long run. My blue shirt was soaked in sweat, my black spandex biker shorts were giving me a wedge, and my hair was in a sloppy pony tail that dreaded together from a week of not washing it. I trudged ahead with my backpack on and finally reached my street. I could see my house. I was almost home. I slowed down to drink some water when all of a sudden I caught a glimpse of a dark car slowing down next to me.

Before I could turn to look at the shady car, I hear a woman’s voice yell, “Hey girl, you got some fine ass legs! You should come over here and talk to me!”. I instantly get nervous and turn my head to get a better look at the car. It’s a black expensive looking car with dark tinted windows. An African-American woman leans out of the passenger side window in a low cut tank top. Her large breasts spill over, hair looks disheveled, and she’s sucking on a bright red lollipop. I have a bad feeling creeping through my veins and I know I need to get out of this situation as fast as possible so I walk faster and yell out “I’m in a hurry”. The woman again calls to me, “Baby, you looking real good, why you do me like that. At least give me your number so I can talk to you.” I look over and she pulls out her cell phone.

I peer over to the driver and it appears to be a heavy set middle aged African American male in a suit with dark glasses on. He appears to be amused but impatient. All that is running through my mind is that this is a pimp and ho situation. They are looking to recruit. Women are more trusting of other women so he is using her to get to me. If she doesn’t pick me up he is probably going to beat her. She looks at me with her cell phone in hand and smiles while sucking that bright red lollipop. I feel dirty and scared. What are these people doing on my quiet street? They must have followed me from the main road and I hadn’t noticed.

I yell “I can’t” and instantly look for a way out of this situation. I see a group of people my age walking towards me down the street and run over to them. I tell them to pretend they know me. I stand in their protective shelter while the car pauses and waits for me. It slowly drives by me and does a U-turn and heads back out of the street.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

The group stays with me until I feel safe and then I walk towards my house…safe but shaken.

Take this as a warning. Pimps and ho’s work all day. Not just at night. Pimps aren’t easy to pick out like they used to be.

I want to state a call for action that all Pimps wear designated Pimp Suits in bright colors as a warning for normal non cracked out woman to stay as far away from them as possible.

Additionally, pimp cars are easy to spot. Crack whores hang out the sides while sucking lollipops. Do not approach these cars. I repeat- Do NOT approach these cars. Or you can kiss your family goodbye.

I know I usually write funny articles… but this just goes as a warning for everyone to pay attention and stay safe out there. Look out for each other.