Shark Week

It’s my favorite time of year- Shark Week. In celebration, I’ve decided to compile my favorite shark-related facts. Let’s do this:

1. Up until the 16th century, sharks were known simply as “sea dogs”. It wasn’t until 1569 that the word “shark” came into use. The word is derived from the Yucatan Mayan word, xok, which means “he who wears sunglasses”.

2. Out of 440 species, only 4 species are dangerous to humans: the great white (as seen in the movie “Jaws”), oceanic whitetip, tiger, and bull sharks.

3. The Megalodon, an ancient shark, is proposed to have reached a sizeof 20.3 meters, or 67 feet. The largest living shark, the whale shark, only reaches 12.65 meters, or 41.50 feet in length. Thankfully, the Megalodon went extinct during the last ice age (or did it?).

4. When sharks sleep, half of their brain is left awake. This means that they can still hunt, even when resting.

5. Unlike other fish, sharks give birth to live young, instead of laying eggs.

6. Not all sharks are meat-eaters. The largest shark, the whale shark is a vegetarian.

7. Sharks are capable of virgin births. That is, a female can fertilize their own eggs without the help of a male. How’s that for feminism!

8. Every shark attack is kept in the International Shark Attack File, which can be read here.

9. Sharks replace their teeth, on average, every 8-10 days.

10. Over the course of 12 days in 1916, there was a series of shark attacks along the Jersey Shore. No word on whether fistpumping was involved.

Time to DIE Out for Ghoulish Seasonal Jobs

Crypt Keeper Doctor Costume

It’s August, which means one thing: time to go out and audition for a Halloween job at one of the many haunted attractions or theme parks. These attractions need ghouls, so get out there!

Look up local attractions on for audition information, or try out for one of these gigs:

  • Six Flags Great Adventure FrightFest will be auditioning actors, magicians, acrobats and other freaks of nature on August 10th and 12th in Jackson, NJ. Follow the link for specific information.
  • Eastern State Penitentiary, one of the nation’s top haunted house attractions, located inside the historic abandoned prison in Philadelphia, will hold its 2010 auditions from August 29 – September 1, with additional auditions throughout the season. No prepared monologues or headshots necessary.
  • Blood Manor in New York City is accepting online applications for actors and other positions.
  • Headless Horseman Hayrides and Haunted Houses have a big reputation to live up to, being located in the Hudson Valley in Upstate New York, home of Washington Irving’s famous “Legend of Sleepy Hollow.” Call to schedule and interview/audition.
  • Salem, MA has tons of haunted events and attractions planned throughout October, with lots of opportunities for ghoulish seasonal employment.

Pussy Pussy Bang Bang!

Venetian Mask Black Cat

Frightcatalog is all about the strange and unusual… and I myself am more then strange and unusual.

After randomly coming across a very beautifully well crafted family friendly movie on TV, I happened to get into one of the songs that was playing in the background. I was not able to resist the urge to dance up and down in my seat. Since I couldn’t get the song out of my head, further investigation into this snappy tune was warranted. As Google as my savior, I discovered that the song was entitled Pussy Pussy Bang Bang by Roobie Breastnut. The video to this song may be just as twisted as the song is catchy.

Watch the Video Here:

Click Here to watch Pussy Pussy Bang Bang!

Batman Dark Knight Adult Joker 3 4 Vinyl Mask with Hair

Stranger But True Fact: The odd joker knock off in the video is also known as Count Smokula. A friend of mine pointed out that he had seen that character before in a show we’ve probably all seen at least once: Blind Date. If you don’t feel like watching the video, I can safely tell you that the date didn’t turn out so well for our face painted friend. Oddly enough however, the seemingly normal woman was ready to give him a kiss and get in bed with him if he washed off his face paint. Smokula blew the deal by refusing to reveal his true identity.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Take a lesson from Smoky, try the mysterious man in the mask routine to round up some interest from the ladies. Just remember, when the offer to get in their bedroom arises and they ask you to take off the mask, you better listen!

Anyway, I can’t sit still anymore. This song makes me want to put my cat mask on and dance around with my bull whip.

Off I shall prance! I tip my cat ears to you oh crazy wonderful cat lady! Meow!

Eddie Munster Engaged to Biggest Fan

Most of us remember growing up watching The Munsters on TV. Well, our littlest Munster, Eddie (Butch Patrick) is all grown up. He’s 57, to be exact, and ready to settle down with one of his long time fans, Donna McCall. Donna wrote him fan letters in the 60’s to which he responded. They lost track over the years but have since reconnected with her perseverance. Once they met in person, the romance went full fire and the engagement came soon after. Love at first fright! (full story at

This just goes to show you, stalking and stroking egos could eventually land you a marriage to a D list celeb. A happy and dedicated fan will surely make up for the lack of attention and dead career of a former celeb. So go through your history books and find your favorite 60’s and 70’s TV show stars and write them a fan letter. They are just about ripe for the pickin’! You never know, you could end up hook, line, and D-list sinker!

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Friday the 13th Kills

Revisit Camp Crystal Lake for three and a half minutes of Jason Voorhees kills set to the tune “Friday the 13th” by ZOMBIE! And play horror trivia Sunday at 11:45 PM EST on their facebook page, if you’ve got the chops to back up your  encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies with lightning fast responses.

Watch: Friday the 13th Kills! Tribute by ZOMBIE! REAL HORROR ROCK!

Feeling Med-evil? Dragon Slaying Party!

Here’s the plan. Go with me on this one.

It’s the kid’s birthday, or you just got a raise at work, or you got a divorce, or just any excuse in which a party can be thrown.

Go with a medieval theme. Due to the popularity of the movie “How to Train Your Dragon” the kids will be more then thrilled. Here are the steps to assure a party the kids will never forget. Trust me on this one.

It’s a medieval party so you will need to put out the themed eating utensils to assure the proper eating of your homemade dragon cake. Have the kids help you make and decorate the dragon. It may come out more dysfunctional looking with their help, but the ineptitude of children has a way of making you feel smarter. Plus you can use it as bonding time or whatever.

Next get everyone in the mood by setting the scene with a proper background of haunted trees. Turn on the fog machine to make everything eerily fantastical.

Now for the main event: the dragon slaying. There’s two ways you can play this game: socially acceptable or child traumatizing. I of course prefer the latter of the two…but it’s not my party.

Socially acceptable dragon slaying:

You the adult don the costume of the dragon. The children get to dress up as knights and princesses. You run around your mystical woods scaring the knights and wreaking havoc. The mini-knights finally take you down in a blaze of fiery glory. They attack you with plastic swords until you snuff your final puff of breath. Little kids win. Little kids scream in happiness. You bust your hip and take a couple sword pokes to the eyeballs but hey, the kids are happy.×240/1006943.jpg

Child traumatizing (more fun):

This time the roles are reversed. The children are dressed as dragons and you are the knight. Time to take revenge on the little heathens. My advice, get the baby dragons first. They can only crawl. Once they are strung up by their feet you can set your eyes on the faster ones. They are tricky little buggers. The kids will scream and probably cry… but they are dragons. Don’t let them fool you. Once all the dragons are slayed, you can enjoy a nice big dragon cake all to yourself in sweet silence. Now that’s a happy ending.

What are you waiting for? Get your dragon slaying party started today!

Disclaimer for the town idiot:

I do not endorse attacking your child with a sword and eating his cake. You could probably get arrested for that. This article is for satirical purposes only.

TRUE LIFE: I was solicited by a pimp and ho.

This story is based on real life events that happened to the author.

It was a typical beautiful sunny California day. The sun was out, the air was full of fresh carbon dioxide, traffic was at the height of road rage…

I was just getting back from a long run. My blue shirt was soaked in sweat, my black spandex biker shorts were giving me a wedge, and my hair was in a sloppy pony tail that dreaded together from a week of not washing it. I trudged ahead with my backpack on and finally reached my street. I could see my house. I was almost home. I slowed down to drink some water when all of a sudden I caught a glimpse of a dark car slowing down next to me.

Before I could turn to look at the shady car, I hear a woman’s voice yell, “Hey girl, you got some fine ass legs! You should come over here and talk to me!”. I instantly get nervous and turn my head to get a better look at the car. It’s a black expensive looking car with dark tinted windows. An African-American woman leans out of the passenger side window in a low cut tank top. Her large breasts spill over, hair looks disheveled, and she’s sucking on a bright red lollipop. I have a bad feeling creeping through my veins and I know I need to get out of this situation as fast as possible so I walk faster and yell out “I’m in a hurry”. The woman again calls to me, “Baby, you looking real good, why you do me like that. At least give me your number so I can talk to you.” I look over and she pulls out her cell phone.

I peer over to the driver and it appears to be a heavy set middle aged African American male in a suit with dark glasses on. He appears to be amused but impatient. All that is running through my mind is that this is a pimp and ho situation. They are looking to recruit. Women are more trusting of other women so he is using her to get to me. If she doesn’t pick me up he is probably going to beat her. She looks at me with her cell phone in hand and smiles while sucking that bright red lollipop. I feel dirty and scared. What are these people doing on my quiet street? They must have followed me from the main road and I hadn’t noticed.

I yell “I can’t” and instantly look for a way out of this situation. I see a group of people my age walking towards me down the street and run over to them. I tell them to pretend they know me. I stand in their protective shelter while the car pauses and waits for me. It slowly drives by me and does a U-turn and heads back out of the street.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

The group stays with me until I feel safe and then I walk towards my house…safe but shaken.

Take this as a warning. Pimps and ho’s work all day. Not just at night. Pimps aren’t easy to pick out like they used to be.

I want to state a call for action that all Pimps wear designated Pimp Suits in bright colors as a warning for normal non cracked out woman to stay as far away from them as possible.

Additionally, pimp cars are easy to spot. Crack whores hang out the sides while sucking lollipops. Do not approach these cars. I repeat- Do NOT approach these cars. Or you can kiss your family goodbye.

I know I usually write funny articles… but this just goes as a warning for everyone to pay attention and stay safe out there. Look out for each other.

Wolf Teen Throwdown

Another round of Team Edward vs Team Jacob starts to wind down, and, while I’m ambivalent about Twilight, on principle, the wolf wins. Mainly because teenage wolves (were- or otherwise) are such a rare breed. They didn’t start with Twilight, of course (well, some of us might not know it, but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt), which got me to thinking … what’s the deal with screen teen wolves?

Michael Landon as Tony the Teenage Werewolf

Werewolves and pubescence go together well, actually–of all the monsters, the one where a normal person’s body makes a terrifying, hairy transformation (throw in the detail of transforming once a month, and it’s amazing that so few are girls) makes the most sense as a teen angst allegory. So it’s been done–sometimes well, sometimes not so well. In any event, here are five teenage wolf people who aren’t Jacob:

Tony (Michael Landon), “I Was a Teenage Werewolf” (1957) – In this cult creature feature, Tony, a good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules (sigh) is turned into a werewolf by this mad psychiatrist. It’s actually pretty dark, and not such a bad movie, as far as vintage B-movies go. If ’50s horror isn’t up your alley, try watching the MST3K version.

Michael Jackson as Michael, the teenage werewolf

Michael (Michael Jackson), “Thriller” (1983) - You know Michael Jackson’s retro-’50s werewolf is a teen because he wears a high school letter jacket, so he counts. Unlike Michael the zombie, the werewolf doesn’t dance, and unlike most other screen teen wolves, he transforms into a beast that is actually pretty scary. Thanks to the handiwork of horror makeup master Rick Baker, the transformation was a work of CGI-free art.

Tony (Adam Arkin), “Full Moon High” (1981) – If you don’t recall this early-80s teenage werewolf flick, imagine a “Scary Movie” that sticks with a storyline or a Mel Brooks zany satire of the horror genre (and the “modern society” of the time). It’s not particularly deep or scary, but you could do worse….

Scott (Michael J. Fox), “Teen Wolf” (1985) – Michael J. Fox’s werewolf was typically contrived (not terribly different from his more famous Marty McFly), not scary, and not particularly interesting, but it begat a short-lived TV series in the ’80s, an ’87 sequel starring Jason Bateman, and–wait for it–an upcoming MTV series based on it.

Emily Perkins as Brigitte and Katharine Isabelle as Ginger

Ginger (Katharine Isabelle), “Ginger Snaps” (2000) – I don’t care what anyone says: it was Ginger, not Jacob, who breathed new life into the teen-angst wolf genre. The Canadian cult movie (which has been followed by two wildly different sequels) follows misfit sisters Ginger and Brigitte as they struggle through mid-teendom. There are boys, but don’t look for fantasy teen romance, or a wolf transformation that’s anything less than violent and torturous.

Sexy Fat Bastard.

Apparently “thin is in” doesn’t apply to everyone.

Many of us stare at the super models in magazines and wish to look like the girl…or sleep with her. However, there are some guys out there that would rather roll onto a love handle than a hip bone.

This brings me to the subject of feeder fetish”. In this type of fetish, both members receive sexual arousal and satisfaction as it relates to excessive weight and body fat. The overweight person is happy with his/her weight and wants to gain more. The feeder derives sexual pleasure from feeding their partner large quantities of food and watching as different parts of the body change. They also enjoy sexual pleasure in viewing and/or having sex with various folds of fat on their partners body. Some obese partners describe a fascination with their own fat as it moves from side to side with them.

Check out a video of one feeder couple here.

I say be open to all walks of life. You don’t have to eat ten brownie sundaes to get a taste of this lifestyle…. though it certainly would be delicious. Men, check out our Fat Bastard Costume. He is certainly dead sexy. Women, check out our Tassle Twirling Tessie Costume. Let your body free.

In fact, if you have an open partner… try bouncing around on each other in these sexy get ups and then try to tell me it doesn’t turn you on.

We live in Mc USA. The burger is king in this country. Don’t run away from it. Embrace it! Don’t feel guilty about that pint of Ben n Jerry’s. Dig in! The number of men attracted to large women outnumbers the amount of women who are into it. You could be in demand. Take a lesson from Donna Simpson. She has her own website that men pay membership fees to join in order to watch her eat and gain weight.

Oh hell, why don’t we round up the homeless people and give them a pay site for fat fetishists. We can stop hunger and poverty in one shot. God Bless America.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Disclaimer for the stupid people who do not see the satiric nature of this article: We do not endorse eating massive quantities of food. It is bad for your health. You could suffer serious health problems and/or die. Yes, eating a lot and not exercising increases your risk of death. Google it. However, if you prefer a gallon of ice cream to an apple, who am I to stop you.