Wrap Yourself in Neon for Halloween

Of all the new items for 2010 in the FrightCatalog, I think I’m most excited about this:

Cool Neon Strobe Wire

No, it’s not a weird top hat with glow sticks taped to it… the item is the glow strands, but they’re not old-fangled temporary glow strands that you crack to mix the mysterious chemicals that make it shine for a few hours. These are four foot, pliable, battery powered neon lights that can be attached to any costume. Dress as a spaceship, or TRON or … a neon sign! Set to constant light or strobe! This is awesome. $16.99 per neon strand, comes in blue, yellow and green.

Oh, and speaking of glowing stuff, you know what else is cool? iGlow gels for hair and skin. I checked this out recently and it’s a must-have. This isn’t some day-glo color that shines under a blacklight–this goop actually glows.

iGlow Hair Gel

Apparently, the chemicals in glow sticks are not toxic when you mix them, because that’s the basic concept here: you mix together two parts, and the resulting gel glows for about eight hours. No “charging” under white light or anything–it’s fully self-illuminating.

Isn’t the future cool?

An open letter to Sarah Palin.

 

Even though I do not have cable… the issue of the New York mosque building sight seems to creep into my life (and facebook feeds) every day.

I don’t vote. I don’t care. I don’t see things effect my life one way or another with whoever is in power.

However, this mosque dilemma seems to be a big issue and source of conflict for many groups. Since it has invaded my life, I feel I need to address the issue.

Dear Mrs. Palin…

Actually, can I call you Sarah? Not only are you beautiful and intelligent and a lovely mother of many, you also are a very powerful speaker… I would compare your words to Shakespeare but you’ve already done that for yourself. You are woman! I hear you roar (along with those pesky and overabundant animals you hunt and decorate your wall with). When you speak… or tweet… smart people support you while ignorant and overzealous liberals slander you. Spelling mistakes and support of racial slurs only means that you are human just like us.

Oil King Adult Mask

Now, my beautiful and smart Sarah, I hear your words on the Mosque site. I know liberals think you are just trying to incite panic and emotion when you use terms like “radical” in every other sentence when talking about anyone who doesn’t agree with you, but they are clearly just dispatrioticalists (that’s a word right?). Either way, I want to help make your speeches even more powerful. I think a good way to help those peace loving, equality driven, open minded liberal hippies see what they really stand for is to actually SHOW them. May I suggest, that for the next speech you make, you wear this Oil King Adult Mask from frightcatalog.com? It will help drive home the point that this is who all those radical Muslims really are…evil terrorist turban wearing Satan worshipers (I mean, if it’s not Jesus, than it can only be Satan). You, Sarah, are famous for speaking your mind. This will make a huge statement and perhaps cause those anti-American liberals to refudiate their ways.

Perhaps if this suggestion helps you spread your words, we could discuss politics over some moose meat in your Alaskan back yard as we gaze over the border at Russia. May God be with you Sarah. I know he will be and already is. I’ve actually spoken to him personally and he told me to tell you that he only loves Republicans. F* the rest of em’. God bless America! Git er dun!

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

MEGA DISCLAIMER: This article is for satirical purposes only. My writings have nothing to do with the views of frightcatalog or it’s owners. I really don’t know anything about politics. I don’t follow them. (Though, if I had to classify myself as one thing, I’d say I’m an open minded hippie…which is why this article is so tongue in cheek). I know that anything political will spark people’s madness buttons and get them talking. I like pushing buttons. Speaking of buttons, use your mouse button and click on over to Frightcatalog.com to check out their wicked cool Halloween stuff. Life’s too short to stress about politics and problems that aren’t your own, so live, laugh, and move on! It’s just in good fun :)

Zombie Beauty Pageant

Beauty pageants. A couple of things come to mind here.

1. 8 year olds made up to look like Dolly Parton by overzealous pageant moms living vicariously through their children.

2. Rediculously airbrushed tan women starving themselves for weeks to strut a stage in clear heels and a bikini to win more than a few dollar bills, but a crown and some flowers too.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Been there, done that (actually, yes. your very own Halloween Harlot has competed in a few pageants… complete with clear heels and a sequins dress and a huge fake smile to boot… Don’t ask.)

Now a few piercings and skull beads later… I wonder what is out there to cater to awesome girls like me. In my random internet search for pics of hot half dead chicks, I discovered one *hell* of a beauty pageant.

CLICK TO WATCH highlights of the Miss Zombie Queen UK 2010 beauty pageant

In the fantastical world of the UK, comes the Miss Zombie Queen 2010 Pageant. After watching the video (more than once… mmmm) I can only conclude that instead of the needless evening gown and interview sessions which are the staple of most pageants, this one cuts straight to the chase. Talent competition: roll around in blood and shake your pasties. I dig it. I mean… I wouldn’t run away if these hot zombies wanted to eat me….

Substitute the big hair and spray tans for white contacts and pale dead skin and you got yourself a Zombie Queen!

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

May I suggest that this contest happens in in my area in the near future? Someone needs to bring this undead sex fetish over my way ASAP. In the meantime, you can gear up for when the madness eventually arises by stocking up on all things zombie at Frightcatalog.

I’m going to go ahead and watch that video again… in slow motion.

Oh- and no disclaimers on this one. Undead blood covered chicks in pasties are hot. I really don’t care what you think. Speaking of *blood covered*, you should probably make sure you have some of that red stuff hanging around your house somewhere. It can come in handy in so many ways. Shove some up your nose to get out of work early or toss some in a plastic tub and have chicks in bikinis wrestle in it… I mean the possibilities are endless.

Ninja Wedding Crashers

If you are unfamiliar with Ninja Wedding Crashing, please check it out here:

Click to play: Ninja Wedding Crashers

The bride is super hot and the groom is awesome for dressing like a zorro pirate. You can bet if you crash a wedding like this dressed as a ninja, you’ll snag some super hot bridesmaids. Ladies, if you hate your bridesmaid dresses, showing up as a ninja is a good way to protest bad style. However you won’t be going home with anyone if you fight like the dudes in this video. The karate chopping and half kicks get old real quick. Throw some roundhouse kicks and break dance moves in there somewhere. Brush up on some old Jackie Chan movies to get your blood pumping.

Ninja Warrior Elite Collection Adult Costume

For those of us who know many reasons why certain couples should not get married, may I suggest Ninja Wedding Crashing. First, make sure you are dressed the part. The ninjas in the previous video were lame. Let’s not bring down the wedding and mock the bride and groom by being a half ass ninja. Frightcatalog has all your ninja needs. Ideally, you could borrow a classroom of children and dress them as ninjas. When the time is right, you and your child ninja herd storm into the wedding and take over. After all, whats freakier then mass amounts of little people in ninja costumes?

Remember, the key to being a ninja is being stealth. You must be able to go unnoticed until the moment you wish you magically appear. Also, have your ninja supplies ready for action. Go in, destroy, get out. That is the ninja code. Additionally, arrange for really awesome video game fighter music to play when you make your entrance.

The ninja wedding crashing can also be played out at complete strangers weddings. You may get seriously injured and/or arrested, but boy would that be a story to tell! There is actually talk of making a ninja wedding crashers movie. It would be a sequel to the original Wedding Crashers, only much much better. No, I’m joking. But it would be really cool. I’d see it.

 

Disclaimer: For the stupid people:

As usual, for those of you who believe every word I say to be completely factual, let me be the first to say that you are an idiot. No, I do not believe Elmo is a terrorist, I was just being random and weird. No, I do not believe in eating babies, I’m just a weirdo and found it funny. No, I also don’t think it’s right to go running around in ninja costumes and crashing the most special day in someone’s life…. but if you did it I’d think you were wicked cool. However, I am not promoting it. Some people need to take a strange article at face value. I, nor frightcatalog, am responsible for your blind following of my rediculous plots and suggestions derived from my articles.

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more articles and insane suggestions which come from my completely eccentric mind.

Renaissance Faire Wear

Planning to hit the Renaissance Faire this fall, but have nothing to wear? Don’t fret–Fright Catalog has you covered!

For the wench, there are gathered skirts, bodices and belts:

Or get an economical all-in-one (except for the shoes and stein) tavern wench costume:

Shirts, vests and pants for the guys:

Noble cloaks:

And, of course, lots of pirate wear!

Check out the full selection at FrightCatalog.com.

UK Reports “SuperBug” Infections — Is the end nigh?

BBC News reports that a new “superbug” infection has been identified in UK hospitals, potentially fulfilling the prophecies of “28 Days Later,” without the monkeys. Although they didn’t specifically say there weren’t monkeys.

Zombie Infection (Dramatization)

UK doctors reportedly fear that “Ultimately, [the NDM-1 virus] could produce dangerous infections that would spread rapidly from person to person and be almost impossible to treat” and that “it will go global.”

How to stop it? Quarantine, or “to rapidly identify and isolate any hospital patients who are affected.”

Hello. We can quarantine an entire island nation. We’ve done it before in the movies.

In other news, the H1N1 pandemic is officially over, and no one even talks about SARS anymore, so… will NDM-1 be the one? Who knows.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Bite Me.

Vampire Bite

With our modern day love affair with vampires still in full force, and Halloween right around the corner, there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight. If you can’t beat em, join em.

Take look at quiet mysterious Bella from the Twilight Series. She dresses dark and appears to be half dead and depressed most of the time. However, teenagers across the world are pining to look and act like her in order to get the vampire or their dreams. You can beat everyone to the bite, so to speak.

Here’s what to do:

Start dressing in dark colors. Keep your hair long and in your face. Lighten your face with a little powder to give yourself that “just bitten” look. The coverage is buildable so just a little bit will do you fine. Don’t go overboard… this isn’t a Casper contest. Use dark shadow to highlight your under eye circles. Dead is in, don’t hide your lack of sleep anymore! Next, apply your bite. You can bet that you’ll be getting more attention then Pamela Anderson at a frat party.

Face Painting Glitter

Boys, you want more girls than you can shake your stick at? Toss some glitter all over your body and walk into the sunlight. You will be swarmed in the hottest mess of 14 years olds you can imagine and probably a few sex crazed Adam Lambert fans as well. Don’t forget your setting spray, it will keep you glittering all night and all day.

Good luck!

Get it off me!

caterpillar

What the f is this thing.

Ok so just another spooky day at FrightCatalog.com right? Not so fast. I forgot my power cord at home so I ran home around lunch to pick it up. Leaving my house I saw a green tube crawling acroos my street. I was just going to keep driving and I wish I did. Of course curiosity kills the cat. I turned around, got out of the car and took a picture. I always have my handy Paper Mate pen with me so I put it down for reference.

When I put the pen down this think shrunk up a little so it’s even larger when its extended. In this picture this thing was about 4″, extended I could see it at 5″. Another weird thing was that it looks like it was twisting as it crawled.

The most horrifying part of this whole thing, besides the size, was the stinger on the end of it. The stinger was a good 1/4″ of pure horror.

Of course as I am writing this blog Shawn who sits next to me said he would eat it. Yea right.

White House Gatecrashers and Other Stupid Costume Ideas

Remember that wacky couple who crashed a state dinner at the White House last November, then went around like they were actually famous or something? It’s been reported that they somehow think the world gives enough of a shit about them to dress up in costumes of them for Halloween. I can’t be bothered to find a picture of these narcissists, so here’s a picture of a cool fountain instead, which sort of illustrates my reaction to the story:

Possessed Wall Fountain

But hey, if you think the White House Gatecrashers is a great and hilarious costume idea, here are some others you’ll probably like:

  • Some teenybopper who, like, totally snuck backstage at the Justin Bieber concert!
  • That 28-year-old dude who hooks the high school parties with beer as an excuse to hang out at them.
  • The kid who ran on the field at that Phillies game and got tasered (unless people can use real tasers on him).
  • Sparkly vampires (unless people can use real tasers on them).
  • Cardboard.

Parlay!

Pirates. Awesome.

South Park’s recent Fat Beard episode has inspired me to give ye an article worth plunderin for treasure.

If ye haven’t seen this adventure filled episode, well, shiver me timbers! Ye best be viewin’ it here:

Click to Watch! South Park: Fat Beard

Now for ye entertainment, Pirate Jokes!

Q: What is a Pirate’s favorite letter in the alphabet?

A: Ya think it’s the RRRRRR but it’s really the C!

– check out more jokes at www.piratejokes.net

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Captain Jack Sparrow Prestige Adult Costume

Now ye sorry sprogs, ye need to be brushin up on yer pirate speak so you can talk to the souls of the damned aboard this cursed vessel we call the internet. Here be some startin’ rules on how to be speakin like a true buccaneer:

  • Double up on all your adjectives and you’ll be bountifully bombastic with your phrasing. Pirates never speak of “a big ship”, they call it a “great, grand ship!” They never say never, they say “No nay ne’er!”
  • Drop all your “g”‘s when you speak and you’ll get words like “rowin'”, “sailin'” and “fightin'”. Dropping all of your “v”‘s will get you words like “ne’er”, “e’er” and “o’er”.
  • Instead of saying “I am”, sailors say, “I be”. Instead of saying “You are”, sailors say, “You be”. Instead of saying, “They are”, sailors say, “They be”. Ne’er speak in anythin’ but the present tense!

Elegant Pirate Lady Adult Costume

The above rules be commandeered from the fine website yarr.org. Ye best be viewin the rest of the website to brush up on all yer vocabulary. Talk Like a Pirate Day is coming up on the date of September 19th. Ye know I will be quizzin ye on your A…B…and Seas.

Once ye master the basics, turn ye Facebook into ye own furner. Scroll to the bottom left of ye Facebook homepage to where it says “English”. Change the writings to “English (Pirate)” and Avast! Ye are on ye way to a whole new adventure.

Now keep an eye on the horizon and a hand on the sail. I have one final treasure for ye. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is in the makin. This time Captain Jack Sparrow faces a wench from his past and also encounters the infamous Black Beard all while on a journey to find the booty of all booties, the fountain of youth. This ship be sailin in 2011.

Be sure to visit FrightCatalog.com for all of ye pirate needs. Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!

Pirate Beer Mug