We have a Situation: Jersey Gore.

Pauly D, The Situation, JWOWW, and Snooki.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where these have become familiar names in household and internet discussions.

I’ve come up with something better. This is the possible future of the cast if they continue their guido ways…

Let me introduce you to the new and improved fist pumping cast of the Frightcatalog reality blog: Jersey Gore.

The Situation

Frankenstein Mask

When The Situation talks, people can’t help but stare. He walks around making strange choppy hand and arm movements and coupled with random facial spasms. Frankenstein is sort of a given in this particular “situation”.

JWOWW

Plastic Young Female Translucent Mask

JWOWW… This wasn’t hard. With all the plastic parts on this broad, we figure she can’t really age…

DJ Pauly D

Devil Skull Mask

DJ Pauly D. Two words: Blow. Out. Continuous hair gel applications will do a number on your scalp. Additionally, all those tanning bed visits may leave his skin a bit parched. Make sure you moisturize Pauly!

Snooki

Bearded Lady Mask

Finally: Snooki. She’d really like to have you think her nationality is Italian. However, any true Italian knows what beautiful young Italian girls turn into when they get older. Snook, if you want to play the part… do your research!

Finally, Don’t forget your orange glow. It creates that perfect radioactive orange tan look that keeps the rest of society envious. It could possibly help you land a hit TV show as well.

- Sincerely,

Your Halloween Harlot.

Back to Ghoul

Rebel School Girl Costume

It’s that time of year again–time to get back to class! Here are some back-to-school goodies to munch on:

Skull and Crossbones Pencils

Homework is scary. Do it with these cool black skull-and-crossbones pencils.

Apple Purse

An apple for the teacher — a little sycophantic. An apple to hold your makeup and snacks? Nice.

Red and White Superfan Kit

Enjoy annoying classmates with your extreme school spirit? Do it up right with the Superfan Kit (different colors available).

Oh cheer up, kids! Back to school means Halloween will be here before we know it!

Costume Craze

As summer winds down, it’s time to start thinking about what to be for Halloween. I’ve been going back and forth about what to be, so maybe you guys can help me out. Here are my possible costume ideas.

Early-90s Female Stand Up Comic- This is probably the simplest of my ideas. Basically, I’d need a big, ugly shirt and vest from Goodwill, pleated mom jeans, sneakers, and a microphone. I would spend the night making jokes about PMS and having too many cats.

Sexy Link- I find the “sexy” versions of normal costumes to be hilarious, e.g. Sexy Cat, Sexy Bunny, etc. A few years ago, I put a spin on the idea by dressing up as a sexy version of a decidedly unsexy animal, and made a Sexy Lobster costume. This costume would basically be a feminine take on Link from the NES classic, Legend of Zelda.

Dancing Red Shoes: To go along with my fascination with terrifying children’s tales, I would dress up as the main character of the Hans Christian Andersen classic. Basically, the gist of the story is that this chick wears red shoes to church, pisses off the Big Dude in the Sky, and is cursed to dance in them forever. This leads to some pretty gnarly wounds to the girl’s feet. She eventually has to have the town executioner cut off her feet and fashion her a set made from wood. This costume would require a ripped up and stained old-timey dress, red shoes, plenty of fake blood, and some fake stitches around my ankles (as if my feet were reattached).

What do you think? Let me know your own ideas in the comments.

Halloween Night Event: The Walking Dead

AMC wants to be on your Halloween night schedule, hoping folks will follow the evening’s celebration in front of the TV, for the premiere of the long-awaited “Walking Dead” series at 10:00 PM.

Click to Watch the Official HQ Walking Dead Trailer!

My initial reaction, honestly, was that October 31st seems kind of late. I was hoping the show would launch earlier in the month, though I’m not sure where I got the idea that it would. Then the question: is the target demo going to be home in front the TV on Halloween night? The show is anticipated enough that a lot of people will make sure to be now, but it’s not on everyone’s radar yet. Of course, I say that before they’ve blitzed the trailer during “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad.”

In any event, it’s a Sunday night; the biggest parties will be going on Friday and Saturday. Actually, the more I think about it, the timing sounds just about right: prepare the feast, do trick-or-treats, visit the neighborhood haunted house, and cap off the night with “The Walking Dead” premiere. Not bad!

Of course, this is all the more reason to have a zombie theme this year–and naturally Fright Catalog has all sorts of props, costumes, and zombie accessories for the big day!

Alligators in the Sewers

Not so fast, Snopes — the New York Daily News reported yesterday that a 2-foot baby alligator was found under a car after a storm in Astoria, Queens, followed by another larger alligator found in Brooklyn. An Argentine tegu and a “very large” iguana were also found in the NYC area within the same 24 hour period.

Baby Alligator Costume

Coincidence, or evil reptilian aliens attempting to take over New York? Only time will tell.

Hot Blood Splattered Vampire Sex.

In honor of True Blood Sundays.

If the title didn’t get your attention, this full size picture should:

The Joy of Vampire Sex: ‘True Blood’ on Rolling Stone’s Latest Cover

This is probably one of the most awesome Stone covers ever. The only thing that would have made it better would be if they replaced a lame Sookie with a naked blood soaked Halloween Harlot. We can’t all be perfect though.

Anyway, here’s the plan. This picture has inspired me to throw a hot vampire orgy sex party (even if it’s just in my head).

First step: Invite sexy vampire friends (remember: you MUST invite them in) All pre-party fang re-vamping can be done here. Also invite a flock of Fang-Bangers for food supply.

Second step: Provide mood lighting and ample beverages.

Skeleton Hand Wine Glass

Sample Beverage List:

BLOODY MARY (what’s a vampire party without a classic bloody?)

INGREDIENTS: 1 part Vodka, Tomato juice, splash of Tabasco, a splash of Worchester, a little horseradish, a slice of lime
INSTRUCTIONS: Mix Vodka and Tomato juice and serve over ice with a splash of Tabasco, a splash of Worchester sauce. Mix in a little horseradish if you want a little more of a kick. Place a slice of lime on the rim.

SERVING GLASS: Tall glass.GARNISH: Celery Stick

BLOOD OF A VIRGIN

INGREDIENTS: 2 parts vodka, 3 parts bourbon, 1 part red wine, 3 drops of virgin blood
INSTRUCTIONS: Mix all ingredients in a blender and heat over an open flame for 20 minutes. Serve with extreme caution!

SERVING GLASS: Wine glass or hurricane glassGARNISH: 3 cherries

RED DEATH

INGREDIENTS: Amaretto, Southern Comfort, Sloe Gin, Orange Juice, Vodka, Triple Sec, Lime Juice
INSTRUCTIONS: Mix one part of each in a cocktail mixer with ice. Strain into shot glasses (or serve over ice if you want to get trashed faster)
Goes down like fruit punch… be warned!

SERVING GLASS: Shot Glasses
GARNISH: None


 

Third Step: Cover furniture/floors in saran wrap a la Dexter style.

Fourth Step: Get everyone drunk and naked and covered in blood…. and  proceed with vampire sex orgy.

I mean. It’s so simple that even a Jason Stackhouse could do it.

Enjoy.

Wrap Yourself in Neon for Halloween

Of all the new items for 2010 in the FrightCatalog, I think I’m most excited about this:

Cool Neon Strobe Wire

No, it’s not a weird top hat with glow sticks taped to it… the item is the glow strands, but they’re not old-fangled temporary glow strands that you crack to mix the mysterious chemicals that make it shine for a few hours. These are four foot, pliable, battery powered neon lights that can be attached to any costume. Dress as a spaceship, or TRON or … a neon sign! Set to constant light or strobe! This is awesome. $16.99 per neon strand, comes in blue, yellow and green.

Oh, and speaking of glowing stuff, you know what else is cool? iGlow gels for hair and skin. I checked this out recently and it’s a must-have. This isn’t some day-glo color that shines under a blacklight–this goop actually glows.

iGlow Hair Gel

Apparently, the chemicals in glow sticks are not toxic when you mix them, because that’s the basic concept here: you mix together two parts, and the resulting gel glows for about eight hours. No “charging” under white light or anything–it’s fully self-illuminating.

Isn’t the future cool?

An open letter to Sarah Palin.

 

Even though I do not have cable… the issue of the New York mosque building sight seems to creep into my life (and facebook feeds) every day.

I don’t vote. I don’t care. I don’t see things effect my life one way or another with whoever is in power.

However, this mosque dilemma seems to be a big issue and source of conflict for many groups. Since it has invaded my life, I feel I need to address the issue.

Dear Mrs. Palin…

Actually, can I call you Sarah? Not only are you beautiful and intelligent and a lovely mother of many, you also are a very powerful speaker… I would compare your words to Shakespeare but you’ve already done that for yourself. You are woman! I hear you roar (along with those pesky and overabundant animals you hunt and decorate your wall with). When you speak… or tweet… smart people support you while ignorant and overzealous liberals slander you. Spelling mistakes and support of racial slurs only means that you are human just like us.

Oil King Adult Mask

Now, my beautiful and smart Sarah, I hear your words on the Mosque site. I know liberals think you are just trying to incite panic and emotion when you use terms like “radical” in every other sentence when talking about anyone who doesn’t agree with you, but they are clearly just dispatrioticalists (that’s a word right?). Either way, I want to help make your speeches even more powerful. I think a good way to help those peace loving, equality driven, open minded liberal hippies see what they really stand for is to actually SHOW them. May I suggest, that for the next speech you make, you wear this Oil King Adult Mask from frightcatalog.com? It will help drive home the point that this is who all those radical Muslims really are…evil terrorist turban wearing Satan worshipers (I mean, if it’s not Jesus, than it can only be Satan). You, Sarah, are famous for speaking your mind. This will make a huge statement and perhaps cause those anti-American liberals to refudiate their ways.

Perhaps if this suggestion helps you spread your words, we could discuss politics over some moose meat in your Alaskan back yard as we gaze over the border at Russia. May God be with you Sarah. I know he will be and already is. I’ve actually spoken to him personally and he told me to tell you that he only loves Republicans. F* the rest of em’. God bless America! Git er dun!

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

MEGA DISCLAIMER: This article is for satirical purposes only. My writings have nothing to do with the views of frightcatalog or it’s owners. I really don’t know anything about politics. I don’t follow them. (Though, if I had to classify myself as one thing, I’d say I’m an open minded hippie…which is why this article is so tongue in cheek). I know that anything political will spark people’s madness buttons and get them talking. I like pushing buttons. Speaking of buttons, use your mouse button and click on over to Frightcatalog.com to check out their wicked cool Halloween stuff. Life’s too short to stress about politics and problems that aren’t your own, so live, laugh, and move on! It’s just in good fun :)

Zombie Beauty Pageant

Beauty pageants. A couple of things come to mind here.

1. 8 year olds made up to look like Dolly Parton by overzealous pageant moms living vicariously through their children.

2. Rediculously airbrushed tan women starving themselves for weeks to strut a stage in clear heels and a bikini to win more than a few dollar bills, but a crown and some flowers too.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Been there, done that (actually, yes. your very own Halloween Harlot has competed in a few pageants… complete with clear heels and a sequins dress and a huge fake smile to boot… Don’t ask.)

Now a few piercings and skull beads later… I wonder what is out there to cater to awesome girls like me. In my random internet search for pics of hot half dead chicks, I discovered one *hell* of a beauty pageant.

CLICK TO WATCH highlights of the Miss Zombie Queen UK 2010 beauty pageant

In the fantastical world of the UK, comes the Miss Zombie Queen 2010 Pageant. After watching the video (more than once… mmmm) I can only conclude that instead of the needless evening gown and interview sessions which are the staple of most pageants, this one cuts straight to the chase. Talent competition: roll around in blood and shake your pasties. I dig it. I mean… I wouldn’t run away if these hot zombies wanted to eat me….

Substitute the big hair and spray tans for white contacts and pale dead skin and you got yourself a Zombie Queen!

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

May I suggest that this contest happens in in my area in the near future? Someone needs to bring this undead sex fetish over my way ASAP. In the meantime, you can gear up for when the madness eventually arises by stocking up on all things zombie at Frightcatalog.

I’m going to go ahead and watch that video again… in slow motion.

Oh- and no disclaimers on this one. Undead blood covered chicks in pasties are hot. I really don’t care what you think. Speaking of *blood covered*, you should probably make sure you have some of that red stuff hanging around your house somewhere. It can come in handy in so many ways. Shove some up your nose to get out of work early or toss some in a plastic tub and have chicks in bikinis wrestle in it… I mean the possibilities are endless.

Ninja Wedding Crashers

If you are unfamiliar with Ninja Wedding Crashing, please check it out here:

Click to play: Ninja Wedding Crashers

The bride is super hot and the groom is awesome for dressing like a zorro pirate. You can bet if you crash a wedding like this dressed as a ninja, you’ll snag some super hot bridesmaids. Ladies, if you hate your bridesmaid dresses, showing up as a ninja is a good way to protest bad style. However you won’t be going home with anyone if you fight like the dudes in this video. The karate chopping and half kicks get old real quick. Throw some roundhouse kicks and break dance moves in there somewhere. Brush up on some old Jackie Chan movies to get your blood pumping.

Ninja Warrior Elite Collection Adult Costume

For those of us who know many reasons why certain couples should not get married, may I suggest Ninja Wedding Crashing. First, make sure you are dressed the part. The ninjas in the previous video were lame. Let’s not bring down the wedding and mock the bride and groom by being a half ass ninja. Frightcatalog has all your ninja needs. Ideally, you could borrow a classroom of children and dress them as ninjas. When the time is right, you and your child ninja herd storm into the wedding and take over. After all, whats freakier then mass amounts of little people in ninja costumes?

Remember, the key to being a ninja is being stealth. You must be able to go unnoticed until the moment you wish you magically appear. Also, have your ninja supplies ready for action. Go in, destroy, get out. That is the ninja code. Additionally, arrange for really awesome video game fighter music to play when you make your entrance.

The ninja wedding crashing can also be played out at complete strangers weddings. You may get seriously injured and/or arrested, but boy would that be a story to tell! There is actually talk of making a ninja wedding crashers movie. It would be a sequel to the original Wedding Crashers, only much much better. No, I’m joking. But it would be really cool. I’d see it.

 

Disclaimer: For the stupid people:

As usual, for those of you who believe every word I say to be completely factual, let me be the first to say that you are an idiot. No, I do not believe Elmo is a terrorist, I was just being random and weird. No, I do not believe in eating babies, I’m just a weirdo and found it funny. No, I also don’t think it’s right to go running around in ninja costumes and crashing the most special day in someone’s life…. but if you did it I’d think you were wicked cool. However, I am not promoting it. Some people need to take a strange article at face value. I, nor frightcatalog, am responsible for your blind following of my rediculous plots and suggestions derived from my articles.

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more articles and insane suggestions which come from my completely eccentric mind.