Memoirs of a Bartender:

If you ever go out to a club…

Here are some things to make both our lives a touch easier:

Guido Adult Wig

1. KNOW what you want. Don’t call me over and then proceed to have a 20 min discussion with the rest of your group about what exactly you guys want to drink. I’ve got 30 other people who needs drinks and time is money! Vodka Cran, do it!

2. Have your money READY! I can’t even begin to say how many times I quickly make your drink and return with a smile on my face and your drink in my hands and you are busy texting or making out with your girlfriend or literally taking an hour to slow motion your wallet from your pocket and sift through your cash. I told you how much it was before I made the drink! Come on! You are not the only one in the bar!

3. NEWSFLASH: Telling me to go “easy on the ice” does not equal more alcohol. The amount of alcohol is always the same regardless of one ice cube or thirty. However, you will end up with a watered down drink that you will barely taste the alcohol in. Congrats!

4. Telling me to “hook it up” will not give you a stronger drink unless you already have cash out telling me how much extra you will hook ME up for doing it. Most bartenders know when a person says to “hook it up” they are only going to tip a dollar. We know you are cheap.

5. NEVER ask for a bartender/cocktail waitress’s number. Unless you are tipping us huge and we want you back as a customer, we won’t do it. There are 2387287347 other girls in that club. If you are awesome enough to deserve my number I will give it to you without you even asking. Also,why must you hit on the ONE person who doesn’t have time to talk to you? Just because I’m smiling at you, doesn’t open the door for your come ons. I’m smiling because I want your money, not your wonder willy.

6. Please, I know you are drunk and horny, but please… find some other spot to make out and/or grope up your hook up of the night other then right on my bar. You are not ordering drinks because your tongue is down her throught and your hands are up her skirt. You are taking up space at my bar and preventing other people from ordering drinks. Please find a dark corner to continue your STD search.

7. Affliction shirts and hair gel do not make you cool. In fact, they are a big red flashing “douche bag” sign. Just saying.

8. Being snappy and demanding will only get you a pissed off bartender.

9. When the bar is closed, the bar is closed. We can’t serve you because it is illegal to put any sort of cup over the bar after a certain time. My job isn’t worth your puppy dog eyes. Sorry.

10. Anyway, moral of the story is, tip me big and you get what you pay for: a happy bartender and a legit drink.

Skinned Right Arm

OH: side not… dear DJ.. and every rap song out there, I do not want to put my hands up. Please stop asking me to put my hands up. You keep telling me to put my hands up, but I’m busy. If I want to put my hands up I will. However, constant raising of the hands can lead to dead limbs. Don’t want that not do we?

Gobble Gobble.

Thanksgiving… that time of year where we have an excuse to eat everything and anything we can get our hands on. We become gluttons to the highest degree. This is one of the holidays that we define as truly American. We eat ourselves into a coma and call it tradition.

Anyway, just because Halloween is over… it doesn’t mean we stop working here at FrightCatalog. Here are some ideas to add a little bit of spice to your Turkey Day:

Pin the Hat on the Turkey Game

1. Pin the hat on the turkey game: So simple… even Drunk Uncle Joe could do it. Family fun at its finest.

Turkey Hat

Plush Referee Turkey Hat

2. Funny Hats: Be the star of your own Thanksgiving Day Parade. Wear one of these hats and you can be “that guy” at the dinner table. Who is going to start an argument with someone who has a turkey on their head? No family feuding this year! All for less then the cost of a couple of cans of cranberry sauce!

Turkey Child Costume

3. Child- the other white meat: Kids, you know I love them! (for dinner) Dress your favorite little heathen in this costume and you won’t feel bad about serving him for dinner. Shove an apple in his mouth and VOILA! No feathers to pull here. Just bake and serve. No screaming child running around the dinner table and breaking things and crying when they fight with the other little children…. just silence and a happy family dinner. Enjoy!

(Warning: once again, I do not endorse eating your child. If you eat him, I’m not responsible. You are an idiot and will most likely go to jail…. if you get caught… so make sure you clean it up well and get rid of all evidence and witnesses…..)

Thanksgiving Eve. Feeling Randy? (NSFW)

Of course you can count on me to get your blood flowing.

Right about now, the wife is frantic at the supermarket trying to get everything in order for the big day tomorrow. Hold up and take a break. Everything will get done and everything will be delicious and wonderful like it was last year. It will all go by way too fast and you will be left with a mess to clean up before you realize you even ate the turkey.

So, take a breath. Life is too short to be stressed and serious. Forget the turkey and focus on your own “wish bone” for a second. Here’s the deal. Role Play. Even adults should get to dress up and play once in a while.

Native Maiden Costume

Noble Warrior Adult Costume

There are a few ways to play this. You can be the Pilgram man hunting the Indian princess….chase her around the fire and pull her back by the hair. You can both be innocent Puritans preparing your first meal…and getting a little frisky under your bonnets….. You can both be Indian savages on the hunt without any regard to authority. Paint your faces and scream and dance by the fire. Finally, she can be the Puritan and you can be the horny Indian man on the hunt for some white meat ;) The choice is yours.

Step away from everything and take some time for each other. If you have kids (that sucks) send them to their friends house to play. Give yourself a moment just for you. Light some candles and let the games begin. When you get in costume, you won’t feel stupid, you will feel like the character you are internalizing. It will make your significant other even more exciting because in a strange way it will feel like cheating. Get into character, set your story line, and let yourself go. Imagine the naughty looks over dinner tomorrow ;) I guarantee that getting things ready for Thanksgiving before everyone comes over will be a lot less stressful this year.

Pilgrim Woman Costume

Pious Pilgrim Man Adult Costume

Whatever way you play it, it will be a nice escape from the madness. Yes, I can take the most innocent holiday and turn it into sex, and I believe that you should too. Get playing before you get so stuffed on turkey tomorrow that you can’t even roll over to say goodnight. Get to it while your top button can still button. Have fun ;)

Superhero Celebs

On the past episode of MTV’s Cut Throat challenge, I was involved in a stampede. I had the two biggest guys on the team knock me over and fall on top of me while others were running over on our backs to get through. It was a lot scarier then it looked on TV. I was choked out at one point. Arms and legs were flying everywhere. However, I had a superman who pulled the big dudes off of me and pushed me forward. As romantic as it was, I tend to wonder if I was rocking any of these costumes if I would have needed saving at all…

Wonderwoman

Wonder Woman- This super heroin doesn’t need any man to save her ass. She is probably the toughest broad in the skies… and her costume is pretty legit. I’d love to see her go one on one with my favorite feline fatale Catwoman.

Supergirl- She’s like Superman’s Sidekick. I honestly don’t remember much of what she does or what her purpose is. But She can fly and stuff. That’s cool.

silk spectre

Silk Spectre of Watchmen. The costume is bad ass. Looks like she could kick some ass. And if she was in a stampede… it looks like people would slip right off her ass with that shiny costume. So. There you have it. When in a stampede… wear lubed up rubber outfits.

Batgirl

Bat Girl- Any girl dressed in form fitting black rubber and leather is OK in my book. Yeah the Batman movies got a bit lame when bat boy and bat girl showed up but i can’t knock the costume. It’s pretty bad ass. However, if you are going to be battling super villains in this costume, stick to colder locations. This outfit probably wouldn’t fare too well in Miami.

Dia De Los Muertos

La Calavera Catrina

Or, the Day of the Dead to us Americans. I first learned about this holiday when reading Ray Bradbury’s “The Halloween Tree” (which, if you haven’t read it, I suggest going out and getting a copy ASAP). Although we usually associate this holiday with Mexico, it actually is found throughout Latin America. It is closely tied with the Catholic holy day, All Soul’s Day, which falls on the day after Halloween, and is celebrated throughout the world (albeit, a little less awesomely, IMHO). Dia de los Muertos is centered around one idea- to honor the dead. This is done by giving presents to children and other living family members, as well as preparing special types of food, such as sugar skulls or pan de muerto (a sweet egg bread). It’s traditional to leave food out for the dead, either by offering them a literal place at the family table, or by leaving offerings of food on their graves. Figurines depicting skeletons (calaveras catrinas) in everyday situations are made and sold to be displayed in the home.

Instead of the same old Halloween party, try throwing a Day of the Dead celebration. Dress up like calaveras, make some delicious Mexican food, and raise a toast to those who have gone before us. However, be careful. You may get some visitors that you didn’t expect. ;)

Pan de Muerto (Thanks to Allrecipes)

  • 1/4 cup margarine
  • 1/4 cup milk
  • 1/4 cup warm water (110 degrees F/45 degrees C)
  • 3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 1/4 teaspoons active dry yeast
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 2 teaspoons anise seed
  • 1/4 cup white sugar
  • 2 eggs, beaten
  • 2 teaspoons orange zest
  • 1/4 cup white sugar
  • 1/4 cup orange juice
  • 1 tablespoon orange zest
  • 2 tablespoons white sugar

Directions

  1. Heat the milk and the butter together in a medium saucepan, until the butter melts. Remove from the heat and add them warm water. The mixture should be around 110 degrees F (43 degrees C).
  2. In a large bowl combine 1 cup of the flour, yeast, salt, anise seed and 1/4 cup of the sugar. Beat in the warm milk mixture then add the eggs and orange zest and beat until well combined. Stir in 1/2 cup of flour and continue adding more flour until the dough is soft.
  3. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic.
  4. Place the dough into a lightly greased bowl cover with plastic wrap and let rise in a warm place until doubled in size. This will take about 1 to 2 hours. Punch the dough down and shape it into a large round loaf with a round knob on top. Place dough onto a baking sheet, loosely cover with plastic wrap and let rise in a warm place for about 1 hour or until just about doubled in size.
  5. Bake in a preheated 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) oven for about 35 to 45 minutes. Remove from oven let cool slightly then brush with glaze.
  6. To make glaze: In a small saucepan combine the 1/4 cup sugar, orange juice and orange zest. Bring to a boil over medium heat and boil for 2 minutes. Brush over top of bread while still warm. Sprinkle glazed bread with white sugar.

For The Love of Elvira

As a kid growing up in the 80s and 90s, I was exposed to a lot of Elvira, no pun intended. There is so much to love about Elvira- not only is she a very attractive lady, but she’s witty to boot. One of my favorite movies was/is Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. The synopsis basically is as follows: Elvira is sexually harassed by her boss and quits her job. She finds out that she has inherited a house in a conservative town in Massachusetts. When she arrives, she is not accepted by the community due to her eccentric lifestyle, but eventually wins over the younger crowd, opening their minds up to new possibilities. Basically, it’s “Footloose” with more boobs and less good dialogue. I highly suggest checking it out, if only to see this amazing outfit:

Speaking of amazing outfits, did you know that Elvira’s costume is one of the best-selling costumes of all time? Continue the trend and pick up one at FrightCatalog tonight!

5 Awesome Costumes for Men

I’m feeling a little inspired by a previous post. Being rad on Halloween is not limited to the ladies only- men can join in, too. Here’s a list of my favorite costumes for men.

METALLLLLLLLL! *guitar solo*

Milady, may I interest you in a glass of absinthe before the fire?

One man, hundreds of women.

Androids are robots that look like people. Cyborgs are people with robot parts. Whatever.

Pizza rules.

Wedding Belles

I just got back from my best friend’s wedding in Maryland. During my time there, I learned some very strange things about weddings. Firstly, everyone knows that the modern reason for bridesmaids is to get drunk and embarassingly hit on the groom’s brother. However, the original reason is a little more badass and less known- back in Olden Times, people believed that the devil and his minions only existed to muck up people’s lives, especially the lives of happy folks. So, what makes people really happy? Getting married to one another. To solve this problem, the bride surrounded herself with other young women in fancy dresses in order to confuse any imps or devils about, and prevent them from doing any devilish deeds to the bride to be. Hence, bridesmaids.

Also, tossing the bouquet has some interesting origins (I mean throwing flowers. Get your mind out of the gutter.). Since a woman’s sole purpose in life is to get married and sire non-bastard children for her husband, a bride was considered to be especially lucky. Flowers symbolized fertility and were a piece of the bride’s good luck, so when the bride threw the bouquet to one of her single friends, it was God’s way of saying, “Hey girl, stop talking to your cat and get yourself a man.” Obviously God has never seen 9 to 5, but I digress.

Despite the annoyingness of modern weddings, let’s be thankful that some traditions died out, like hanging the sheets outside the window after the wedding night to prove virginity, having to eat fruitcake, and the bride turning into a zombie. Wait…