The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, or CDC, are now trying to help prepare people for the ensuing zombie apocalypse. (Finally, the government is taking this whole zombie crisis seriously!)
There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for, says the CDC’s official website. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.
Wait, if the government is publicly informing the masses about realistic zombie apocalypse prevention, does that mean they know something we don’t? Oh my, oh geez, I’ve read about those 2011 theories, and I knew the zombie apocalypse was involved. I think I’m panicking! Yup, I’m seriously panicking over here. CDC, you better start telling me what to do, or I might freak the frig out.
We’ve all seen at least one movie about flesh-eating zombies taking over…, but where do zombies come from and why do they love eating brains so much? The word zombie comes from Haitian and New Orleans voodoo origins. Although its meaning has changed slightly over the years, it refers to a human corpse mysteriously reanimated to serve the undead. Through ancient voodoo and folk-lore traditions, shows like the Walking Dead were born.
What? I already know all about how zombies come about, why they love brains, why zombie costumes are so popular, and why the show The Walking Dead was born. Fast-forward to the good stuff. I want to know about what I’m supposed to do! You’re not helping me quell my anxiety, CDC.
So what do you need to do before zombies or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp (or in the event of a natural disaster, it will buy you some time until you are able to make your way to an evacuation shelter or utility lines are restored).
Wait a minute…hurricanes? Pandemics? What the hell does any of this have to do with a zombie apocalypse? Whatever, let’s see what you want me to include in my anti-zombie kit. I know it’s going to be something amazing, like nukes, guns, cybernetics, and all sorts of explosives, right?
The boombox helps drown out the sorrows of your children. Definitely a vital part of any anti-zombie kit.
- Water (1 gallon per person per day)
- Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
- Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
- Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
- Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
- Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
- Important documents (copies of your drivers license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
- First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane.)
A utility knife? What the hell am I going to do with a utility knife during a zombie apocalypse? Whittle something for the zombies? Oh, oh wait! You mean we should rely on nature for our anti-zombie weaponry, like wooden spears and all sorts of Rambo style traps. That makes so much more sense than stupid old guns and explosives. CDC, you’re an anti-zombie genius.
But what about my friends and family? Should I leave them behind, in fear that they may turn undead and consume me while I sleep?
Yeah, meeting near the mailbox outside of your glass front door is totally not going to get you killed. Totally.
Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.
Okay…you’re back to the hurricanes thing. Is this really a statement about a zombie apocalypse, or are you simply riding the undead genre to inform people about really useful information? Because I don’t care for useful information not one bit. Zombies, fictional scenarios, that’s what I’m here for, and that’s what I want to know about.
If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine). Its likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated. Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas.
Which apocalypse are we talking about now? Hurricane or zombie?
Now I’m all kinds of confused. This whole thing has been a ploy to get me to read information about hurricanes and other realistic disasters, but now you’re claiming to actually be prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Look, CDC, I can tell you right now, with those items included in your anti-zombie kit, you are far from prepared. You need bullets, guns, explosives, turrets, crowbars, grenades, tanks, nukes, and dragons. Zombies don’t give a flying flip if you’re carrying around bleach and a copy of your passport.