Itâ€™s one thing to love zombie Halloween costumes, but itâ€™s a completely different thing when a county has an official zombie apocalypse emergency management plan (Warning: PDF File). The county in question is Okeechobee, Florida. According to their zombie apocalypse management plan, which is seventy-five pages long, they have thoroughly designed a plan to help ensure that their citizenry is safe from all roaming hordes of living undead. Those tax dollars went to good use, I guess.
First, this plan starts out like any normal zombie apocalypse conversation one may have with a drunken friend or an excited zombie nerd. It covers the goals and objectives a government would have during a zombie apocalypse. Here is a brief overview of those objectives:
- Mass evacuation
- Security / Public use of weapons policy
- Suspension of local laws, rules, regulations, taxes, fees
- Power, communication, water, waste service
- Corpse removal and sanitation
- Redevelopment of high hazard areas
- Building and safety code adequacy
Iâ€™m going to end there, but you can see more on the first page of the document. Before we continue, I want to discuss that last one â€“ building and safety code adequacy. This is a clear sign of just how serious Okeechobee County takes their zombie apocalypse. I mean, building and safety codes? Thatâ€™s one topic of discussion I have yet to hear in a zombie apocalypse debate.
But wait, it gets even more governmental.
If you look on page 42, there is a short section titled â€œPayroll Processing.â€ Because, you know, even during the zombie apocalypse payroll needs to be processed. To be quite honest, Okeechobee would have loved to read about the statistical analysis of a zombie apocalypse.
About halfway down page 31 is an interesting little paragraph on Disaster Recovery Centers (DRC):
The two governing factors in establishing a DRC following the Zombie Apocalypse will be 1.) can appropriate security be provided at the location? and 2.) is it safe enough to permit citizens to attempt to navigate to the location? This further assumes that supplies are available to provide to the general public. The most likely scenario will be to use the local Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Publix, CVS, and Wal-Greens as DRC sites. They are already established, and can be further fortified and resupplied by air drop.
While this sounds all nice and tidy on paper, these places will be kill-zones during an actual zombie apocalypse. The doors are designed to channel people in and out, with very few secondary access routes. Sure, there will be a ton of supplies, but everyone is going to be caught in a zombie-ridden insanity. Do you really want to take that kind of risk? Not me, I’ll keep my distance and make it on my own.
Somewhere around page 43, the document goes into an extremely detailed overview of natural and unnatural disasters occurring during a zombie apocalypse. Hurricanes, tropical storms, floods, thunderstorms, mass immigrations, coastal oil spills, brush fires, freezes, terrorism, sinkholes, drought, tornadoes, nuclear power plant malfunctions, itâ€™s all detailed there for everyone to see.
Now, while this document may seem extensive and slightly excessive, it does raise a rather interesting idea: what would actually happen if the zombie apocalypse broke out? Would Okeechobee be consumed, or would they actually survive to see the light at the end of the zombie-ridden tunnel? Or are they just wasting tax payerâ€™s dollars by spending so much effort at creating an official zombie apocalypse emergency management plan?