Monthly Archives: July 2010

Friday the 13th Kills

Revisit Camp Crystal Lake for three and a half minutes of Jason Voorhees kills set to the tune “Friday the 13th” by ZOMBIE! And play horror trivia Sunday at 11:45 PM EST on their facebook page, if you’ve got the chops to back up your  encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies with lightning fast responses.

Watch: Friday the 13th Kills! Tribute by ZOMBIE! REAL HORROR ROCK!

Feeling Med-evil? Dragon Slaying Party!

Here’s the plan. Go with me on this one.

It’s the kid’s birthday, or you just got a raise at work, or you got a divorce, or just any excuse in which a party can be thrown.

Go with a medieval theme. Due to the popularity of the movie “How to Train Your Dragon” the kids will be more then thrilled. Here are the steps to assure a party the kids will never forget. Trust me on this one.

It’s a medieval party so you will need to put out the themed eating utensils to assure the proper eating of your homemade dragon cake. Have the kids help you make and decorate the dragon. It may come out more dysfunctional looking with their help, but the ineptitude of children has a way of making you feel smarter. Plus you can use it as bonding time or whatever.

Next get everyone in the mood by setting the scene with a proper background of haunted trees. Turn on the fog machine to make everything eerily fantastical.

Now for the main event: the dragon slaying. There’s two ways you can play this game: socially acceptable or child traumatizing. I of course prefer the latter of the two…but it’s not my party.

Socially acceptable dragon slaying:

You the adult don the costume of the dragon. The children get to dress up as knights and princesses. You run around your mystical woods scaring the knights and wreaking havoc. The mini-knights finally take you down in a blaze of fiery glory. They attack you with plastic swords until you snuff your final puff of breath. Little kids win. Little kids scream in happiness. You bust your hip and take a couple sword pokes to the eyeballs but hey, the kids are happy.

http://www.frightcatalog.com/i/240×240/1006943.jpg

Child traumatizing (more fun):

This time the roles are reversed. The children are dressed as dragons and you are the knight. Time to take revenge on the little heathens. My advice, get the baby dragons first. They can only crawl. Once they are strung up by their feet you can set your eyes on the faster ones. They are tricky little buggers. The kids will scream and probably cry… but they are dragons. Don’t let them fool you. Once all the dragons are slayed, you can enjoy a nice big dragon cake all to yourself in sweet silence. Now that’s a happy ending.

What are you waiting for? Get your dragon slaying party started today!

Disclaimer for the town idiot:

I do not endorse attacking your child with a sword and eating his cake. You could probably get arrested for that. This article is for satirical purposes only.

TRUE LIFE: I was solicited by a pimp and ho.

This story is based on real life events that happened to the author.

It was a typical beautiful sunny California day. The sun was out, the air was full of fresh carbon dioxide, traffic was at the height of road rage…

I was just getting back from a long run. My blue shirt was soaked in sweat, my black spandex biker shorts were giving me a wedge, and my hair was in a sloppy pony tail that dreaded together from a week of not washing it. I trudged ahead with my backpack on and finally reached my street. I could see my house. I was almost home. I slowed down to drink some water when all of a sudden I caught a glimpse of a dark car slowing down next to me.

Before I could turn to look at the shady car, I hear a woman’s voice yell, “Hey girl, you got some fine ass legs! You should come over here and talk to me!”. I instantly get nervous and turn my head to get a better look at the car. It’s a black expensive looking car with dark tinted windows. An African-American woman leans out of the passenger side window in a low cut tank top. Her large breasts spill over, hair looks disheveled, and she’s sucking on a bright red lollipop. I have a bad feeling creeping through my veins and I know I need to get out of this situation as fast as possible so I walk faster and yell out “I’m in a hurry”. The woman again calls to me, “Baby, you looking real good, why you do me like that. At least give me your number so I can talk to you.” I look over and she pulls out her cell phone.

I peer over to the driver and it appears to be a heavy set middle aged African American male in a suit with dark glasses on. He appears to be amused but impatient. All that is running through my mind is that this is a pimp and ho situation. They are looking to recruit. Women are more trusting of other women so he is using her to get to me. If she doesn’t pick me up he is probably going to beat her. She looks at me with her cell phone in hand and smiles while sucking that bright red lollipop. I feel dirty and scared. What are these people doing on my quiet street? They must have followed me from the main road and I hadn’t noticed.

I yell “I can’t” and instantly look for a way out of this situation. I see a group of people my age walking towards me down the street and run over to them. I tell them to pretend they know me. I stand in their protective shelter while the car pauses and waits for me. It slowly drives by me and does a U-turn and heads back out of the street.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

The group stays with me until I feel safe and then I walk towards my house…safe but shaken.

Take this as a warning. Pimps and ho’s work all day. Not just at night. Pimps aren’t easy to pick out like they used to be.

I want to state a call for action that all Pimps wear designated Pimp Suits in bright colors as a warning for normal non cracked out woman to stay as far away from them as possible.

Additionally, pimp cars are easy to spot. Crack whores hang out the sides while sucking lollipops. Do not approach these cars. I repeat- Do NOT approach these cars. Or you can kiss your family goodbye.

I know I usually write funny articles… but this just goes as a warning for everyone to pay attention and stay safe out there. Look out for each other.

Wolf Teen Throwdown

Another round of Team Edward vs Team Jacob starts to wind down, and, while I’m ambivalent about Twilight, on principle, the wolf wins. Mainly because teenage wolves (were- or otherwise) are such a rare breed. They didn’t start with Twilight, of course (well, some of us might not know it, but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt), which got me to thinking … what’s the deal with screen teen wolves?

Michael Landon as Tony the Teenage Werewolf

Werewolves and pubescence go together well, actually–of all the monsters, the one where a normal person’s body makes a terrifying, hairy transformation (throw in the detail of transforming once a month, and it’s amazing that so few are girls) makes the most sense as a teen angst allegory. So it’s been done–sometimes well, sometimes not so well. In any event, here are five teenage wolf people who aren’t Jacob:

Tony (Michael Landon), “I Was a Teenage Werewolf” (1957) – In this cult creature feature, Tony, a good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules (sigh) is turned into a werewolf by this mad psychiatrist. It’s actually pretty dark, and not such a bad movie, as far as vintage B-movies go. If ’50s horror isn’t up your alley, try watching the MST3K version.

Michael Jackson as Michael, the teenage werewolf

Michael (Michael Jackson), “Thriller” (1983) - You know Michael Jackson’s retro-’50s werewolf is a teen because he wears a high school letter jacket, so he counts. Unlike Michael the zombie, the werewolf doesn’t dance, and unlike most other screen teen wolves, he transforms into a beast that is actually pretty scary. Thanks to the handiwork of horror makeup master Rick Baker, the transformation was a work of CGI-free art.

Tony (Adam Arkin), “Full Moon High” (1981) – If you don’t recall this early-80s teenage werewolf flick, imagine a “Scary Movie” that sticks with a storyline or a Mel Brooks zany satire of the horror genre (and the “modern society” of the time). It’s not particularly deep or scary, but you could do worse….

Scott (Michael J. Fox), “Teen Wolf” (1985) – Michael J. Fox’s werewolf was typically contrived (not terribly different from his more famous Marty McFly), not scary, and not particularly interesting, but it begat a short-lived TV series in the ’80s, an ’87 sequel starring Jason Bateman, and–wait for it–an upcoming MTV series based on it.

Emily Perkins as Brigitte and Katharine Isabelle as Ginger

Ginger (Katharine Isabelle), “Ginger Snaps” (2000) – I don’t care what anyone says: it was Ginger, not Jacob, who breathed new life into the teen-angst wolf genre. The Canadian cult movie (which has been followed by two wildly different sequels) follows misfit sisters Ginger and Brigitte as they struggle through mid-teendom. There are boys, but don’t look for fantasy teen romance, or a wolf transformation that’s anything less than violent and torturous.

Sexy Fat Bastard.

Apparently “thin is in” doesn’t apply to everyone.

Many of us stare at the super models in magazines and wish to look like the girl…or sleep with her. However, there are some guys out there that would rather roll onto a love handle than a hip bone.

This brings me to the subject of feeder fetish”. In this type of fetish, both members receive sexual arousal and satisfaction as it relates to excessive weight and body fat. The overweight person is happy with his/her weight and wants to gain more. The feeder derives sexual pleasure from feeding their partner large quantities of food and watching as different parts of the body change. They also enjoy sexual pleasure in viewing and/or having sex with various folds of fat on their partners body. Some obese partners describe a fascination with their own fat as it moves from side to side with them.

Check out a video of one feeder couple here.

I say be open to all walks of life. You don’t have to eat ten brownie sundaes to get a taste of this lifestyle…. though it certainly would be delicious. Men, check out our Fat Bastard Costume. He is certainly dead sexy. Women, check out our Tassle Twirling Tessie Costume. Let your body free.

In fact, if you have an open partner… try bouncing around on each other in these sexy get ups and then try to tell me it doesn’t turn you on.

We live in Mc USA. The burger is king in this country. Don’t run away from it. Embrace it! Don’t feel guilty about that pint of Ben n Jerry’s. Dig in! The number of men attracted to large women outnumbers the amount of women who are into it. You could be in demand. Take a lesson from Donna Simpson. She has her own website that men pay membership fees to join in order to watch her eat and gain weight.

Oh hell, why don’t we round up the homeless people and give them a pay site for fat fetishists. We can stop hunger and poverty in one shot. God Bless America.

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Disclaimer for the stupid people who do not see the satiric nature of this article: We do not endorse eating massive quantities of food. It is bad for your health. You could suffer serious health problems and/or die. Yes, eating a lot and not exercising increases your risk of death. Google it. However, if you prefer a gallon of ice cream to an apple, who am I to stop you.

Are You Afraid of The Dark?

Even at 26, I am still afraid of the dark. It’s gotten worse since I moved into my own place; I seem to have an uncanny ability to creep myself out when alone at night, especially after watching the ghost hunting shows that are all over cable. It’s amazing how the mind works- the sound of my neighbor playing Wii turns is magically transformed into the moans of a Serial-Killing-Nazi ghost who waits for me to turn my bedside lamp off so it can cut off my feet with a pickaxe. This fear has resulted in not only an expensive electricity bill, but also in my embarrassment when my friends discover the Pirates of the Carribean nightlight that is kept next to my bed.

Boo.

In order to solve this problem, I’ve been on on the hunt for decorative lighting that can double as night lights. This set of Hello Kitty Paper Lanterns is cute and functional- no one has to know its true purpose. Another option is a set of string lights, like this Western Cowboy Party Light set. Not only will my apartment look adorable, but I will be able to fall asleep with knowing that I am fully protected against all ghosts, Nazi or otherwise.

Are you afraid of the dark? Let me know in the comments!

“Kill Me” Elmo

That furry red body, those crazed bug eyes, and that high pitched deceivingly innocent baby voice… it’s just not right I tell you.

I did my research on the little critter we’ve all grown to hate… Sesame Street’s own red devil, Elmo.

Elmo may seem innocent, but we know better. If you remember back in 2006, Elmo caused mass pandemonium with his “Tickle Me Elmo” toy. Christmas is hard enough without adding a hard to get $30 toy to the list. Parents literally almost killed each other to get their hands on this toy. Oh the things we do to appease the monster child. To be fair, perhaps the vibrating red doll didn’t just appeal to children… but that’s a different story.

If the “Tickle Me” craze wasn’t enough to make you hate Elmo, how about his potty training book? I recently came across an article from 2006 that discussed numerous complaints to the company in which the book said “Who wants to die?” instead of “Who wants to try to go potty?”

The name “Elmo” with the letters rearranged spells out “Mole”. This leads to only one conclusion. Elmo is a mole sent to the US by Iraq. They are using him to manipulate children and their parents to get all the Elmo toys/books/etc put in place in every home in America. Once this happens, every ticking time bomb Tickle Me Elmo will go off simultaneously….resulting in most catastrophic terrorist attack the US has never known.

Do not despair! There is hope! People are already starting to fight back…

It’s not too late for you to join the fight! Be proud to be an American!

We have a hero in our midst… and his name is Oscar the Grouch. As we all know, he is the most realistic character on the Sesame Street block. He reflects the modern world as we know it. Together, we shall rise out of our trash cans of idealism and shaded reality and fight for America. Start practicing today with the Elmo Pull String Pinata.

May the red, white, and blue be with you!

Your Halloween Harlot- Miss Cara Maria

Disclaimer: There is no proven link between Sesame Street or Elmo and Terrorism against America…just strange documented events that I’ve strung together to create something that probably isn’t there. Sesame Street please do not sue Fright Catalog. We know not what we do. This article is for entertainment purposes only… and the mass selling of your Elmo Pinatas.

Public Display of Awesome

Photo via MSNBC, John Koster / AP

So far, this has been a pretty shark-filled summer here on the East Coast, from the Great White sightings off the coast of Massachusetts to the multiple water evacuations on the Jersey shore. In California, shark sightings are less uncommon; the coolest one of the year? This renegade papier-mache sculptural enhancement to a bronze surfer called “Magic Carpet Ride” in Cardiff-by-the Sea. The city’s calling it a prank (but not vandalism, since the statue wasn’t damaged), since the brilliant and apparently unknown artists installed it overnight. How kickass is that? Night Shark! (Via @weirdnews)

PS–Want to dress up like the shark art? Fright Catalog actually has a costume for that…

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