We last left our hero (you) in the middle of the woods at his mother in law’s rickety old farm house. He was with his beautiful woman and just about to step up the the looming door.
… As you both stare at the sorry excuse for a house in front of you, you lightly squeeze her hand and smile. “Is there anything I should know before we go in there….?” you say with a wink.
She looks at you with wide eyes and slightly parts her lips, “Eat whatever they put in front of you.” Before you can react to this odd statement, the front door flies open. Two hideous creatures run at you while you stand immobilized by fear and confusion. Is this really happening?
Before you know it, you are blindfolded and dragged into the house. You hit your head on the steps and go unconscious. Everything is black. When you awake you find that you are still blindfolded. You can’t move your hands or feet and realize you are bound to a chair. Your body goes cold. This is the end. You try to slow down you breathing and listen to the sounds in the room. Things are rustling and people are whispering. In your panic you can’t make out what they are saying.
All of a sudden the blindfold is ripped from your face. You are now able to see the horror around you. Hideous faces peer at your hungrily from the dark smokey room. The faces are warped and twisted. They unlike any human face you’ve ever seen. Before you can really adjust your eyes, a hand grabs the back of your head and shoves you and the chair full speed towards the dinner table. Your eyes widen in horror as you see what appears to be a half eaten body stretched across the table. Your blood races through your veins as you close your eyes and pray for this not to be real.
A horrid breathy growl of a voice bites at your ear. “Eat”, it says. Another creature twists and moves unsettling towards you with a knife. It points at the others staring all around you. They have guns pointed. You know there is no way out of this. In the corner of your eye you see your beautiful lady. She sits at the table with her eyes down. You wonder if these things killed her family or if they are her family. Thoughts race. Did she plan to do this to you? Your thoughts are cut off by the cold blade of the knife against your skin. It cuts the ropes and your hands are free.
The hand on the back of your head pushes your face into the table. “EAT!”, it growls with more intensity this time. You grab the fork and without hesitation spin around and plunge it right into your captor’s shoulder. A scream is let out, followed by a strange muffled laughter. You are stunned and frozen. All around you the laughter gets louder… followed by cheering.You look at your lady and she has a big beautiful smile on her face. What is going on?
The creatures drop their guns and peel at their faces. Your brain feels like it’s going to explode any minute. You are disconnected with reality. You must be going crazy. You close your eyes. You open them. People. Normal people. Normal people are staring back at you. The creature that you had plunged the fork in was a normal looking American. He had a smile on his face. He shook his head in laughter and said, “Welcome to the family boy! You sure are somethin’! We put a hell of a scare in you. Most sissies run to the door but you put up a fight!” He reached and pulled out the fork from his shoulder. No blood! “Good thing I got this big foam suit on just in case things get messy!” he said in his burly southern voice.
Another woman chipped in, “We get our masks on Frightcatalog.com. We just wanted to see who is tough enough to deserve our baby girl! You passed the test!’ Your whole body is aching and you can’t see straight. You point at the table towards the bloody half eaten body and start to mumble, “but..” You are cut off by another voice, “Oh, that’s just a prop we got off the site too. Sure did fool you!”. More laughter.
Your lady comes running up to you with her strawberry gold locks bouncing behind her. She wraps her arms around you and kisses you on the lips. “Oh honey, you did so well! Welcome to the family!”
With that, you haphazardly push her away and untie your legs from the chair. You take a moment to breathe, you stand up, give a salute to the crazy family around you, and walk towards the door, grabbing the apple pie on your way out. No broad is worth shitting your pants over.
Open road, apple pie, and a football game on TV for when you get home. Not too bad.